Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Show Me Something I've Never Had Before.

Second semester has officially started and so far, I like my classes and haven't fallen asleep in any of them yet; so things are looking good in that respect.

Right now, I'm actually in a really good place. I'm in that little section of life where I don't have feelings for anyone, and really, it's nice. Like my best friend Henry told me today, I can just focus on myself, and that's something I really need. Been going to the gym everyday since I got back, and results are already showing. Abs by February, I'm coming for you. ;]

That being said, I've been so confused these past few weeks. So what I'm going to do about it is continue my little survey thing I started a while back. Maybe there will be a question that will help me find some clarity in my thoughts.

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to?

That would be my father. I'm actually surprised I'm not putting his name in quotations like I usually do. Because I've never really considered him my father because of his past actions; however, since this break and since my break-up, I've been thinking in a lot of different perspectives. I mean, what's me hating him forever going to do? He's been behaving himself recently, giving support to the family which he never did before, not being so abusive, and generally being non-reactive. Not to say I trust him or anything, not even close to that. Also, not to say I won't put him in his place (the floor) if he reverts back to his old ways.

27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

Ughh, I can't believe I'm saying this... but blood is really thicker than water. I love my friends much more than my actual family, but, when push comes to shove, I'd choose family. If it were a life or death situation though, I'd probably die trying to save both.

28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?

No. I tell them nothing about my life. Mostly because they don't care one way or the other, and two, they're really judgmental and I really don't need their put-downs getting in my way anymore.

29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

I have one older brother. I am actually pretty jealous of him. He gets the independence I can only dream of. He is also acknowledged by my parents as an actual man instead of a diseased gimp. He's also had a steady girlfriend for a couple years now. No idea how he does it. Also, no idea why he's jealous of me.

30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

Never. There is always an argument.

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?

I'm about 5'6'', I wish I were about 5'10'', maybe 6'.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that?

Most definitely. I've learned so much philosophy and gained so much perspective and motivation through my experiences in dancing, dating, getting dumped, and talking with my homies. I think I've become a whole different person than who I was a year ago. More confident, more talented, and overall stronger.

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?

In some aspects, well no, that's bullshit, in a LOT of aspects, I am still really childish. Sometimes it's on purpose though to bring smiles to faces, but a lot of other times, it's just because I haven't experienced or found the right way to approach a situation and usually I act like a child because like a child, I need to explore what's right and what's wrong. I feel that, at my core, I am a mature person.

34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?

Not scared, but I'm not looking forward to it either. I actually talked to my 32 year old cousin about this. I told him that I'd give anything to stay at the place I am right now; as in, a carefree college student that can enjoy life as it is. A person who can stop, smell the roses, and look at the pretty girls who pass by. Though, becoming 30, 40, and 50 all come with their own little benefits too, and I'll embrace them when they come.

35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

No one can say "No" to this. I personally have experienced more pain and enlightenment than most people will in their entire lives, and yet, there's still an endless ocean of knowledge that I have yet to uncover. There is no one in the universe that has all facets of knowledge, and that's how it should be. If you're done learning, what's the point of continuing to live? Life is about experiencing things and gaining knowledge, so if you've got it all, you're done. Right?

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

Probably the most real thing that a person can feel. Though, there are a lot of imitators. I'm assuming once you stumble upon it, you'll know.

37. Are you a pessimist of an optimist?

I like to think like an optimist, but most thoughts in my mind are the worst-case scenarios. Like, if I'm asked to play volleyball or something, first thing I'll think of is "Shit.. I'm going to suck and everyone is going to laugh at me" but then I actively try to turn that around now and think "You know what, fuck it, this isn't a tournament, we're just here to have fun". I feel like thinking about the worst-case scenario can help me brace myself, just in-case it does happen.

38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

I believe things happen for a reason. I know I've talked about this quite a bit, but my example would be me coming to UIUC instead of getting into NU or UChicago. I think it happened so I could grow into the person I am today, something that definitely would not have happened to me somewhere else.

39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?

I hope to God that's the case.

40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?

Music, dancing, and usually my best friend Henry.

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness?

Not constant, but more times than not, I feel sad and lonely. It's just about having the mental and emotional willpower to break through them. Sometimes though, you just have to break down and build yourself up, there's no way around it.

42. Do you have any type of disease or disability?

I've had cancer twice. Non-hodgkin's Lymphoma and papillary thyroid cancer. I've also got a heart condition and something that I will not mention as my friends read this sometimes. They'll know when it's time.

43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex?

Bad luck with the opposite sex.... No, I wouldn't call it bad luck. No, am I not in a hard relationship either. Really though, I don't think that any relationship comes easy. Friendships and lovers both have their pressures and disappointments; it's just the bonds you share with the people you interact with and if the strength of those bonds can withstand what comes. When they do, it's wonderful, but when it doesn't, it hurts, but I don't have a need for weak bonds in my life.

44. Do you think that you are alone in this world?

Sometimes I do. Being a cancer-survivor in a world full of healthy people who don't understand real pain and take for granted what they have makes me feel like a ghost.

45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away?

I actually had a lot of trouble getting started typing this sentence, but I mean, fuck it, no bullshit (though this sentence was a little bit of stalling). I'm actually quite ashamed to say that I have thought about suicide before, like seriously considered it. The first real time was back when I was in the middle of treatment, and at that point I was in constant pain, and I don't mean like when you have a hang nail and it hurts a bit all day. This was like my nerves were set on fire, all day, all night, with no treatment options, no found reason. I just really wanted to end it right there to save myself from the pain. Again, I'm ashamed to say, sometimes when things get rough in my life or I cause distress in another person's life, I regret not ending it back then. Death though, is another story, I'll see about that soon, won't I?

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke)

"Jun fall down.... funny" ... hahahhahha.

47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around?

It's both really. Most of my friends are quite hilarious, whether they do stupid things, have sharp wit, or are just acting really gay. Good times all around.

48. Do you cry when you laugh hard?

No, I get to clappin and bendin over. It's kinda weird.

49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day!

It was back during my freshman year of college. I went shopping with my friend Kim and my ex Robin. We saw the $0.25 kiddie rides (now $0.75, stupid recession) and I convinced Kim to ride one. I still have the video on my camera and it makes me smile every time I watch it.

50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class?

Not really. I don't really say much in class, and even if I did, I can't really say it loudly.


faitswulff said...

You are not alone. Keep on keeping on and you'll find us.



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