Tuesday, December 21, 2010

If I Die Before I Wake I Pray to Lord My Soul to Take

"You're not someone's whole world. Sometimes no one gives a shit about you and that hurts. The pain is too much sometimes but ask yourself if dying fixes the problem. I can tell you it doesn't. YB, the past is the only thing that is painful, the present is just a neutral fulcrum for the future. And YOU make the future what it is.  So if you feel pain over something in the past, you have the present to make a change for the future. And everyone has the power to do that, Feel me?"

This was a comment posted on the video above.

When I read it, I couldn't believe how real this was. It's so completely right. No one can be anyone's whole world. You can't be the center of their universe. That's just selfish thinking. Sometimes the person who you care for doesn't give a shit about you; and yeah, that does hurt (a lot), but, what can you do about it? Try and force them to care about you? Life doesn't work that way, it never will. It's just learning that lesson and accepting it that will make a person strong.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

When They Push You Down You Need to Get Back Up

As you may know from my previous post. My relationship with my girlfriend recently ended.

While a part of me is sad that I lost her. Another part of me see's it as a blessing.

Now I know, more than ever, what I need to do to make myself a better me. I need to redefine who I am, and what I want in life. Not only that, I need to grasp what I want, and work harder than I ever have before to attain it; because, let's face it, I am not happy with my life.

I've been bitching on this blog so much about how everyone else is wrong or how everyone else is problematic.

That's the problem though, the problem wasn't in other people. It was in me.

It was never my job to be the "moderator" to my family. I never had the right to do so; I am so far from perfect, who am I to tell them what they're doing wrong? Even so, I chose to do it, it was never forced on me. I acted like I was on a high horse, looking down on my family for bickering. What I should have done, and what I will do, was to just try and make things as happy for my family as can be; pointing out their flaws and yelling won't solve anything, it hasn't.

Another thing is that I never should've acted as cocky as I did. I always thought it was okay because I was joking. Now that I think about it, I feel that I wasn't joking. I really thought I was the shit. I've got a lot of room for improvement in mind, body, and soul. It's fact that I'm not a good dancer, I knew that, yet I let everyone's praises blind me into thinking I was great; I was taking small compliments and turning them into huge ones. I have so much more training to do to ever even be considered decent, let alone good. I also thought that because my abs were "coming in" I was a sexy thang and that everyone wanted a piece (okay not to that extent, but you get the idea). What. An. Idiot. I was. I stopped going to the gym as frequently as I could've and when I did go, I half-assed it.

No more.

This whole break-up was such a humbling experience. I see my flaws now (there are more than listed above), I accept that they exist, and I know what I need to do to fix them; and mark my words, I will fix them.

I will use the pain I feel as a reminder of what I need to do. I've never had so much drive and motivation in my life.

Another thing is that through this break-up, I've come to find out how many people actually care for me. I've been taking that for granted for so long without realizing it. I now know who my true friends are... and I'm so happy to have been blessed with so many. From my bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you so much.

Also, to my ex-significant other. If you hadn't done what was needed, I'd still be stuck in the same spot; not growing, just stagnant, so thank you. I love you. :]

I see clearly now. With this new clairvoyance, I'll redefine myself. Make myself into the best me that I, or anyone else, can possibly imagine.

I promise you, I'll achieve it.

One day at a time.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Even though I knew that it was coming.

Even though I thought I was ready to break it off myself.

I wasn't ready for this.

Though I know that it needed to happen.

That it had to happen.

That she wasn't happy.

That I wasn't happy.

It still hurts...

so much...

I thought I was above feeling this way.

That my logical mind would triumph and spare me the pain.

I was wrong.

and now...

It is over. Forever.

People say she wasn't worth my time.

She was.

People pity me.

I'm not worth it.

People tell me to move on.

I have to...


Where do I go?

Where can I go?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Brotalk and Hip-Hop

I love it.
Right now, unfortunately, there's really no one in my life that I can tell my deepest secrets to. Not my best friend Henry, not Kim, not Alex, not even my girlfriend Robin; and it's not even because they aren't trustworthy, quite the opposite, actually, they are actually the four people in my life that I am the closest to. It's because when you were raised the way I was, trust is something that doesn't come easy.
That's why I love having personal talks with people I know. It gives me a sense of trust and community. Each time I have one of these talks, the shell of distrust and self-consciousness I've built up breaks bit by bit. Slowly, I feel like I can share things that I've never shared with anyone before (and God knows there's a hella lot of that). I kinda feel more close to the person/people I have these talks with because they show their vulnerable side. It's a real bonding thing. You don't forget these people. You can't.
Maybe someday I can be that open book that I actually want to be. I want people to understand me and know who I am.

Now on a completely unrelated topic, I want to talk about the definition of hip-hop.

Last year I was introduced into the world of the Hip-Hop subculture by my dear friend and mentor Alex Susanto. He taught me that hip-hop was a subculture, a mindset, and shouldn't be defined by what the media says it is. It's not a fad, and it's not Jay-Z's music, it's not gun-violence, 40-oz bottles of malt liquor, or pants that sag past your scrotum.

Hip-Hop was a form of expression. It's a lifestyle.

Thennn.. he kinda turned it all around. He put a metaphorical fence around what was hip-hop and what wasn't. More specifically, he clearly drew a line between "hip-hop" and "street jazz".

For those of you who don't know, here's the basic gist of what I was told.

Hip-Hop dance, in its essence, is popping, locking, and b-boying. It's cyphers, freestyles and battles. That's all well and good (I actually love cyphers, even though I'm total noobsauce), but a big part of it is distinguishing that the choreography style that people see on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance is in fact, not hip-hop.

The reason I bring this up is because this summer I was looking for a dance studio in Chicago that had a strong hip-hop choreography class or fundamentals of hip-hop class. I found this one studio (Visceral Dance Studio) which actually had a couple hip-hop classes, but the reviewers said that it wasn't "real" hip-hop, so I didn't go.

But now, I thought about it, and I really regret not going during the summer.

I don't agree with the mentality that choreography should not be a part of hip-hop. I think that choreography has just as much of a place in the hip-hop subculture as popping, locking, or b-boying. Hip-Hop is a form of expression, it should all depend on the mindset of the dancer and what he or she does with the choreography.

A prime example of what I mean is Lyle Beniga. He is a choreographer and most old-school hip-hop practitioners don't really know about him because I feel like they are so close minded to choreography. That's a shame too, because to me, he embodies the hip-hop spirit. He's got the swag, attitude, and he's built in fundamental hip-hop technique into his choreography style; yet, he'd still be considered "street jazz" and I feel like that's just wrong.

It just seems very hypocritical that people who are in hip-hop preach about freedoms in expression and culture of dance, but are so close minded and shun something that is so obviously hip-hop at its core.

So you know what, this winter break, I'll be going to Visceral. Taking those hip-hop courses. Even if it really"isn't hip-hop", I'll make it into hip-hop myself.

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Just a Matter of Time.... before...

It's 3:05AM. I'm about 5 hours away from my psychology final. The only thing keeping me up right now is pure unadulterated anger.

It's not even because of the lack of sleep, I've been lacking sleep for about 2 months now and I normally don't feel this way.

No, I know where the fury is stemming from. Only problem is, I don't know what to do about it.

People say I'm a chill person... I'm really not. I just have the decency to keep my mouth shut about everything that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like I'm killing myself slowly by doing so.

The rage I'm trying to keep bottled up is causing me physical pain. My internal organs, especially my heart, feel like they're in a vice, slowly being squeezed.

I've been coughing up blood more and more.

I doubt I'll last much longer. We'll see, won't we?

I wrote this hoping it would help me feel better putting my anger into words... I was wrong.

Time to get back to my studies. Bitching won't get me my revenge.