Monday, September 27, 2010

I think this'll be interesting...

Well, right now I don't really feel like actually working, as I've been doing that for the past 2 weeks straight... so I'm going to take a little break to tell you guys a lil' somethin somethin bout myself. I haven't read through this survey before, but I will answer each question as in-depth as I can and as honestly as I can. There were 130 questions in this survey... but fuck that, I don't have all night.

01. Have you ever been in a car accident?
- Yes I have, nothing major, just some idiots ramming into my car.

02. Do you have a lot of scars?
- Yeah, I have a crapton of scars. I have three main scars: one on my neck from my thyroidectomy, one on my chest from a failed portocath installation, and one large on on my inner-right thigh from being on the ECMO machine (that was not pleasant....)

03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?
- None too recently, but yeah, I have. It was really stupid though... one guy talking a bunch of shit to one of my friends, shit got out of hand, and as a friend, you HAVE to jump in and protect your own.

04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?
- Yes I have. Not one of my proudest moments as a child but, when I was young, my brother pissed me off so bad that I stabbed him in the leg with a pen. Not too deep, but that's something I will never do again and one thing that I will regret doing for the rest of my life. Not because I got reprimanded, but because I drew my own brother's blood.

05. Have you ever had stitches? Where?
- Yes I have. I've had stitches on my neck, on my chest, on my stomach, on my leg, and on my arms. All medical related.

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful?
- No. I really don't. I talk a LOT of crap about how good I look and shit, but all of it is fake. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted with how I look. Factually, I have lost a lot of weight, but I still see a fatass. A part of me is glad too, because it allows me to appreciate people for who they are and not so much how they look.

07. Are you self conscious of how you look?
- Extremely.

08. Do you put on a lot of makeup?
- Umm.. no. I have never put on any sort of make-up, beauty or halloween related.

09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?
- unless they can surgically change the color of my eyes, then no. I don't like my body, but if I want to make any changes to it, I'll make them through hard work and cardio.

10. What do you think makes a person beautiful?
- Personality, but if you're talking straight physical, basically, if the girl can wear sweats and a regular sized t-shirt with no make-up and still look good, she is beautiful to me.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for?
- Lol, I would actually say I was grounded my entire pre-school 'til high school years. I wasn't really let outside because my neighborhood was pretty dangerous and my parents were always gone.

12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion?
- Ummm I'm going to swap it around here and say that it's asking if I got a girl pregnant. For me, I would have it aborted because I am not ready to be any kind of father. I have no income, I'm barely able to feed myself much less a mother and a child, I can't even take care of myself, and I know I would resent the kid for just being born. Why would I condemn a child to such misery?

13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people?
- Honestly, that is all I ever think about when I'm with other people. Like, most of my thoughts are about how I could make other people's lives better, even if it ruins mine.

14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you?
- Remove my ears so I can't listen to music. I thrive in beats. If you see me alone, my headphones will be in, or my speakers will be blastin, or I'm dancing to a song. Take that away from me, and I would probably kill myself. Real talk.

15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end?
- Well, right now, I really wish that I wasn't such a hopeless romantic and put all this effort into chasing these girls. I mean, I've had some wonderful times during these periods but it's killing me inside and it really hasn't been worth it so far. I just need a break from all of it. But then again, in my heart, I know I'd do it over again....sighhhh

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them?
- I ignore them. It's childish and hurts me more in the end, but I don't really know any other way, because unless it's REALLY bad, I will not snap on someone if I can control it.

17. Name a time when you had to be strong.
- I have to be strong all the time, or at least put on the facade that I am. Otherwise, I feel like people will walk all over me, or I will break down.

18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home?
- I wished that my parents would get a divorce. My father beat the shit out of us. My mom did too, but she usually had a good reason to.

19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react?
- Back in the day, I would get bent out of shape and be like "WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME?!"... but now, I couldn't give two shits. If you don't like me, get the fuck away from me then. If you have a problem with me, tell me to my face, if you're rational and speak with calm words, I will hear you and take your words into consideration. If you come at me with hate and anger, I will react accordingly.

20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it.
- I feel like I've been lucky so far. No one that I've really known or have gotten close to has died *knock on wood*. My paternal grandma died this year though. I went to China and paid my last respects to her grave.

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs?
- I had one job that I don't really count on the fact that I pussied out of it. I worked at coldstone creamery for like, 3 days. It was retarded and afterwards I promised myself that I would not quit anything ever again. As for volunteer jobs, I'm currently volunteering as a food service worker at Carle Hospital. I actually have work tomorrow O.o

22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all?
- Not at all. I haven't even really held a girl's hand, much less have any sexual experience with a girl.

23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far?
- I've been through the emotional equivalent of a tornado+earthquake+tsunami. a tornamiquake, if you will.

24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)?
- I do. I would really love that. It would be like starting a new life, one that I had control over.

25. How old do you act?
- This sort of changes depending on the situation. Most of the time I'm with people (mainly girls) I will act like I'm 8 because... well, because I'm pathetic like that. Buuut if the situation calls for it, I can act like I'm 40, meaning that I can be mature, I can take control of the situation and handle it properly when other people can't.

alright, well, that's all the time I'm willing to spend talking about myself. I need to get back to work. I actually learned a bit about myself doing this, hope you learned a bit about me too.


Sunday, September 26, 2010


the crazy midterm exams are over, and now I actually have time to post something.

The past two weeks have been crazy. It's just been one big blur of dancing and studying...

A week ago, dance practices for AAA fashion show started, and I realized that I really like passing on my knowledge of dance to people. I've never seen myself as a leader before, but I don't know, when I'm up in the front of the room teaching my choreography (or even just leading stretch) it feels... right..

Speaking of dance, this week was chocked full of it. One of the campus' dancing legends, Don Mach, has taken me and my friend Robin under his wing and has started training us..... at 7AM.. every morning.... not too fond of watching the sun-rise but it's something nice to wake up to :]

I've learned so much this past week through training alone, and I can feel myself growing each and every day. Slowly, but surely, I'm breaking out of the shell that I've been encompassed in for 18 years and soon, I hope I can smash my body onto the dance floor (figuratively) and show the world who I really am.

Tonight, I watched the best dance set I have ever seen in my life performed by Dance 2XS UIUC... the passion and emotion I saw on stage completely blew me away. After watching it, all I could say for the next hour was "Oh my GOD"... it was that good.

This week has made me re-evaluate my life in better terms.... Like, even though I'm spending most of my time studying, I realize that I'm genuinely interested in what I'm learning. Even though I don't have a girlfriend yet (yes, that does matter to me), I'm spending basically all of everyday with the girl I like, and really, that's all that should matter (though, not to say I wouldn't want a girlfriend anyways xD); whether we are a couple or not. Even though my health is slowly deteriorating (don't ask me why or how, I'm not going to tell you), I'm living each day to what I think is its rational fullest. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets. Most importantly though, I've realized that in this moment in my life, I am truly happy; something I haven't been in a long... long time.

I guess I can take off one of my wish bracelets now. :]

Friday, September 10, 2010

See what's up.

Alright, so it's been a while since I've posted. Mainly because my last post was all serious and bitchy and whatnot and I felt like it would be hard to follow that one up... Well, fuck it, I got shit to talk about, let's go.

A lot of things have been happening in my life. Most of which is changing how I view the world. One main thing that I've learned to do is to "take it with a smile". What I mean by that is to take the bad things in a positive way.

Before, I was always getting bent out of shape when things didn't go my way. I'm a kind of person that can't really let go of things. I wouldn't be able to change that, I wish to the Gods I could but I can't. But I figure if I can't stop thinking about it, might as well change how I think about it, if that makes sense.

About two weeks ago, I tried out for a campus dance group. Got shot down. Honestly, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm kind of proud (and surprised) about how I handled the rejection.

For the dance group, I thought that I'd be all "Why wouldn't they accept me?! I'm better than most of the people there!!!!!" but, I wasn't. In fact, I didn't give two shits that I got rejected. The tryouts were so much fun, I learned two amazing pieces of choreography,and it was a great experience that I would gladly do again (which I will during their Spring tryouts). All I could think about was getting better at dancing, learning new pieces of choreography when I'm at home, and thinking about ways I could improve my own choreography (which I desperately need to do). That day, you literally could not wipe the smile off my face. I was so happy.

It's just, at this point in my life, a lot of shit has happened to me, and there's at least a ton more flying towards me. I've always known this, but it hasn't really been until now that I've actually... accepted it. Shit will happen, people don't get what they want, nothing ever goes as planned, life is not fair. Accept it, let it happen, adapt, and take it with a smile. :]


Hahaha.... side note.. my roomie is falling asleep to Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. Cute.

LOL he also just threatened to kick a girl "in [her] nuts". gahahahhahaha.

He'll probably read that and punch me. Completely worth it.


Another thing I wanted to talk about (more like, vent, I guess? Ironic how this is coming after my "take it with a smile" spiel) something that I've recently noticed that's been happening to me all my life. People who know me know that it's in my nature to help people (again, not trying to toot my horn). A part of why I want to become a doctor is so that I can help people and do what comes natural to me. It's just the right thing to do, you know? But recently, I've kind of felt like the more I help my friends, the less they appreciate me... Like... they think it's expected of me or something. It was actually one recent event that actually made me realize that this was happening. I went completely out of my way to do a good deed for someone I knew and didn't even get a thank you. Of course, a good deed is reward in itself and all that jazz, and I honestly wasn't looking for a thank you, but it just made me realize that this has been happening a lot. Like, being in this situation, to me, just makes me feel like everyone's bitch. Like, only two people I can think of actually say "thank you" to me: my roomie Henry, and my good friend Kim...

I don't know, I might just be making mountains out of molehills, but that's just how I'm feeling now; like a bitch.