Monday, January 31, 2011

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know...

Dreams are powerful.

Last night I had a dream where I had to relive all my past failures.

I woke up in tears.

I relived my abusive childhood, all the failures of my love-life, all my failures in friendships, all my failures in dance, and worst of all.... my experiences with cancer.

Let's start with that. I have NEVER until this day, thought that I was any less of a person because of having cancer. If anything, I thought I was a better person because I experienced real pain and survived. But now.... I feel like the gimp my mother refers to me as. I feel broken, I feel regret, I feel worthless.
Maybe I am worthless. People say that they need me. I find that hard to believe. What could I possibly bring to anyone's life that no one else could? People don't need me. I play no special role. I've just been a parasite on everyone I've ever known. I take, and yet selfishly contribute nothing. I once jokingly called my brother the "Black Hole of Failure", but maybe I should've been calling myself that.

Everything, my entire past and all the rejection, keeps replaying over and over again in my mind, and each time I feel this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault. That I deserved all of it; that I'm supposed to be suffering.

It's one of those times I wish I had died 6 years ago.

I resent God for not ending it back then.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Oh Stop, let Me Take A Mental Shot of this Moment

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school:

The purpose of school is not just to learn academics, but really to make friends and, in my case, learn about the world. It's mainly because of school that I grew up the way I did. I made the connections that shaped me into who I am. In early grade school I rolled with the "bad crowd" and I learned a lot from that. In high school I rolled with the smart asians and I got my hard working habits from that. In college I found people that actually helped me learn that people aren't always innately bad, and people who brought me into the world of dance.... of which, whom I owe everything to.

52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average?

People think I'm smart. School says I'm dumb. I think I'm just me.

53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever?

A+ or check mark in kindergarten, I don't know which one ranks higher.

54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher?

It was a a low 3. something. If it's not a 4, there is no reason not to aim higher.

55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)?

Biology to talk about, psychology to study.

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before?

I am not currently in love. I don't believe I ever have been. Right now, I'm really confused on where I want to be. Part of me wants my ex back. Part of me doesn't. Part of me is just fine being alone and doing me. Part of me misses having a significant other. I guess I don't know what I really want. For now, being me will have to do.

57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)?

Let's see.... No one really tells me they love me (which is understandable, love is really strong emotion), people hug me a good amount, used to get kisses, I've never been etc'd before... I don't really know what that is comprised of; not to say I'm not curious though.

58. Is love worth it?

Yeah, I think it really will be.

59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months?

Yeah, they're fucking idiots. They "love" the feeling of having someone around to validate them. It's not about liking the person, it's about liking the status. Unless you've been with a person for a SIGNIFICANT amount of time, you haven't found love. I think love is something you find in a person after a long time and lots of experiences with them. When you care about each other to the point where you know and trust each other better than you do yourselves.

60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word?

I can say it easy; but to say it and really mean it? It takes a lot.

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round?

No, it really doesn't. Some of the best things in life don't cost money. Sure, money can buy happiness, but all the happiness that money can buy is just temporary. The real joy in life is free.

62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money?

Back in my day, my family was very poor (back when my father wasn't in the picture and a bit after). They used to be really rich though. Now.. we're on the low side of middle class at best.

63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to?

lol saving. What's there to save? If there wasn't financial aid, I'd be washing cars right now or frying up some Egg Foo Young. Real talk.

64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with?

I'd rather find the perfect person. I don't think you're really set for life until you've found that person that sets it for you. That sounds corny. I apologize. But really, money wouldn't make me happy as a soul mate.

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you?

Low side of 6. Money is just a safety net.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin?


67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with?

As long as no one gets hurt, there's no reason I see not to.

68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that?

Yeahhh, I kinda do. Because her panties drop when she hears words that rhyme with "dick". Haha, well, I guess that's a little exaggerated. She's really not that bad of a person, but her choices in life haven't been exactly saintly.

69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more?

I wouldn't change anything, because everything I did brought me to the path I'm on now, and the path looks pretty bright up ahead.

70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both!

I'm a nice guy and generally consider myself a gentleman. Doesn't mean I'm going to roll over for any person though. I'll be nice to you as long as you deserve it; if you don't, well, why am I still near you then?

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone?

Time varies depending on how fast people earn my trust. Henry took about 18 years, Kim and Alex took about half a year.... but really, I'm not much of a closed book. You want to know about me? Just ask.

72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone?

Wouldn't know, I don't fully trust anyone.

73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason?

Past experiences and just the way I was raised.

74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually?

When I know them and have at least some sort of attraction towards them. Also when they don't have a penis.

75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them?

I don't tell my parents shit. To my close friends, I can tell them almost anything concerning my past or my feelings (or lack of) for people. I just don't tell them my current medical woes because I don't feel like there's a reason for them to know something that they can't stop.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Perfect Woman.

I just spent about 3 hours talking with my good friends Kim, Marz, Robin, Marcus, and Darren about what their perfect girl/guy would be, and it really got me thinking.

Here's mine:

1. Pretty face. Not saying she has to be beautiful, but looks matter to me. Not saying this is a gamebreaker/maker, it's still about personality.
2. Nice midrift. Some guys are for the ass, some guys are for the tits. I'm neither. I mean, I do like a girl who has some curves, but what really attracts me is a fit girl with some nice abs. Get to them crunches ladies. I'll do the same ;]
3. Good taste in food and clothes. Moreso food than clothes. I don't want a girl who just eats salad all the time. I want a girl who can appreciate a nice juicy burger and who won't judge me for eating one.
4. Can dance. This is a game maker/breaker for me. Not saying you have to be awesome (though it would be a HUGE plus in the pros column) but at least have the drive or interest in dance so you can dance with me. Hip-hop is preferable, but if it's ballet, that's cool too. You can teach me to plie and I can teach you to pop.
5. NOT CHILDISH. One thing I learned from my past relationships with girls (official and unofficial), is that I do not like childish girls. You know, once in a while acting a little cute is always enjoyable, but if you're all about Hello Kitty, and cute little shits, get the eff away from me. I don't want you in my life. Fo' real.
6. Down to Earth. That kinda goes along with number 5. I don't want a girl always in the air. I want a chill girl. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously, but doesn't restrict herself to reality too much.
7. Understands where I came from and accepts me for who I am. Kinda self explanatory. I don't come from a particularly nice background, and the last thing I need is a person who can't accept how that has shaped me. I'm not exactly the most STABLE person, but I like to think I have some structure.
8. Has a sense of humor. I like being the funny guy, but when a girl makes me laugh by some funny or off color joke, that really attracts me. Shows me she knows how to enjoy life, and enjoy words.
9. Butt-stickless. Don't like stuck up women. Touched on that before. Gotta be cool ya know. Know how to talk, know how to be chill, just have fun with life.

So basically those are the main qualities that I'd love in a woman..... but another thing I've realized from my past relationships is that.... none of that really matters. When you find a person that you really like(d), of course she's not going to fit your perfect schema for a girl, but it won't matter. You'll accept them and love them for who they are; just the way they are. So really, I don't have a "perfect woman" because if I can find that someone who I can care about and love, and have them love me in return, that person will be my perfect woman.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I can teach you to Fly

Can't say I'm not a little disappointed.


Time to go even harder.

Next time it's all or nothing.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Show Me Something I've Never Had Before.

Second semester has officially started and so far, I like my classes and haven't fallen asleep in any of them yet; so things are looking good in that respect.

Right now, I'm actually in a really good place. I'm in that little section of life where I don't have feelings for anyone, and really, it's nice. Like my best friend Henry told me today, I can just focus on myself, and that's something I really need. Been going to the gym everyday since I got back, and results are already showing. Abs by February, I'm coming for you. ;]

That being said, I've been so confused these past few weeks. So what I'm going to do about it is continue my little survey thing I started a while back. Maybe there will be a question that will help me find some clarity in my thoughts.

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to?

That would be my father. I'm actually surprised I'm not putting his name in quotations like I usually do. Because I've never really considered him my father because of his past actions; however, since this break and since my break-up, I've been thinking in a lot of different perspectives. I mean, what's me hating him forever going to do? He's been behaving himself recently, giving support to the family which he never did before, not being so abusive, and generally being non-reactive. Not to say I trust him or anything, not even close to that. Also, not to say I won't put him in his place (the floor) if he reverts back to his old ways.

27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

Ughh, I can't believe I'm saying this... but blood is really thicker than water. I love my friends much more than my actual family, but, when push comes to shove, I'd choose family. If it were a life or death situation though, I'd probably die trying to save both.

28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?

No. I tell them nothing about my life. Mostly because they don't care one way or the other, and two, they're really judgmental and I really don't need their put-downs getting in my way anymore.

29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

I have one older brother. I am actually pretty jealous of him. He gets the independence I can only dream of. He is also acknowledged by my parents as an actual man instead of a diseased gimp. He's also had a steady girlfriend for a couple years now. No idea how he does it. Also, no idea why he's jealous of me.

30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

Never. There is always an argument.

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?

I'm about 5'6'', I wish I were about 5'10'', maybe 6'.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that?

Most definitely. I've learned so much philosophy and gained so much perspective and motivation through my experiences in dancing, dating, getting dumped, and talking with my homies. I think I've become a whole different person than who I was a year ago. More confident, more talented, and overall stronger.

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?

In some aspects, well no, that's bullshit, in a LOT of aspects, I am still really childish. Sometimes it's on purpose though to bring smiles to faces, but a lot of other times, it's just because I haven't experienced or found the right way to approach a situation and usually I act like a child because like a child, I need to explore what's right and what's wrong. I feel that, at my core, I am a mature person.

34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?

Not scared, but I'm not looking forward to it either. I actually talked to my 32 year old cousin about this. I told him that I'd give anything to stay at the place I am right now; as in, a carefree college student that can enjoy life as it is. A person who can stop, smell the roses, and look at the pretty girls who pass by. Though, becoming 30, 40, and 50 all come with their own little benefits too, and I'll embrace them when they come.

35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

No one can say "No" to this. I personally have experienced more pain and enlightenment than most people will in their entire lives, and yet, there's still an endless ocean of knowledge that I have yet to uncover. There is no one in the universe that has all facets of knowledge, and that's how it should be. If you're done learning, what's the point of continuing to live? Life is about experiencing things and gaining knowledge, so if you've got it all, you're done. Right?

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

Probably the most real thing that a person can feel. Though, there are a lot of imitators. I'm assuming once you stumble upon it, you'll know.

37. Are you a pessimist of an optimist?

I like to think like an optimist, but most thoughts in my mind are the worst-case scenarios. Like, if I'm asked to play volleyball or something, first thing I'll think of is "Shit.. I'm going to suck and everyone is going to laugh at me" but then I actively try to turn that around now and think "You know what, fuck it, this isn't a tournament, we're just here to have fun". I feel like thinking about the worst-case scenario can help me brace myself, just in-case it does happen.

38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

I believe things happen for a reason. I know I've talked about this quite a bit, but my example would be me coming to UIUC instead of getting into NU or UChicago. I think it happened so I could grow into the person I am today, something that definitely would not have happened to me somewhere else.

39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?

I hope to God that's the case.

40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?

Music, dancing, and usually my best friend Henry.

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness?

Not constant, but more times than not, I feel sad and lonely. It's just about having the mental and emotional willpower to break through them. Sometimes though, you just have to break down and build yourself up, there's no way around it.

42. Do you have any type of disease or disability?

I've had cancer twice. Non-hodgkin's Lymphoma and papillary thyroid cancer. I've also got a heart condition and something that I will not mention as my friends read this sometimes. They'll know when it's time.

43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex?

Bad luck with the opposite sex.... No, I wouldn't call it bad luck. No, am I not in a hard relationship either. Really though, I don't think that any relationship comes easy. Friendships and lovers both have their pressures and disappointments; it's just the bonds you share with the people you interact with and if the strength of those bonds can withstand what comes. When they do, it's wonderful, but when it doesn't, it hurts, but I don't have a need for weak bonds in my life.

44. Do you think that you are alone in this world?

Sometimes I do. Being a cancer-survivor in a world full of healthy people who don't understand real pain and take for granted what they have makes me feel like a ghost.

45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away?

I actually had a lot of trouble getting started typing this sentence, but I mean, fuck it, no bullshit (though this sentence was a little bit of stalling). I'm actually quite ashamed to say that I have thought about suicide before, like seriously considered it. The first real time was back when I was in the middle of treatment, and at that point I was in constant pain, and I don't mean like when you have a hang nail and it hurts a bit all day. This was like my nerves were set on fire, all day, all night, with no treatment options, no found reason. I just really wanted to end it right there to save myself from the pain. Again, I'm ashamed to say, sometimes when things get rough in my life or I cause distress in another person's life, I regret not ending it back then. Death though, is another story, I'll see about that soon, won't I?

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke)

"Jun fall down.... funny" ... hahahhahha.

47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around?

It's both really. Most of my friends are quite hilarious, whether they do stupid things, have sharp wit, or are just acting really gay. Good times all around.

48. Do you cry when you laugh hard?

No, I get to clappin and bendin over. It's kinda weird.

49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day!

It was back during my freshman year of college. I went shopping with my friend Kim and my ex Robin. We saw the $0.25 kiddie rides (now $0.75, stupid recession) and I convinced Kim to ride one. I still have the video on my camera and it makes me smile every time I watch it.

50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class?

Not really. I don't really say much in class, and even if I did, I can't really say it loudly.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Hello there Old Friend.

You gonna finish the job this time or just fuck around again?

The Best Thing Is What You Already Be

Day 10: Me.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Root of All Evil.

I really don't understand what my mom sees in money. It seems everyday she's arguing with SOMEBODY about money. I mean, right now she's arguing with her mom (my 90 year old grandma) about money... Like seriously, wtf. I know we're not well off, and I know she works really hard, but we do have enough to get by for now (I've checked the papers); at least until my brother and I start working. I don't understand why she's so obsessed with it.

The main reason why this is so distressing is that after the person she initially yells at gets fed up and hangs up on her, she comes and starts yelling at me... which is kinda what's going on right now in-between sentences....

I don't know what to do.

What They Don't See...

So it's day four of Kuvia.... I'm soooo freakin' tired.... PheNix Dance Crew... not as good as I thought.... Oh well. At least I got to do some yoga this morning? I dunno....

It's 3 days until I go back home. It's going to be glorious :D

Day 2: My First and True Love
1. The Show Goes On by Lupe Fiasco. Probably one of my favorite songs ever. It's a very motivational piece and has gotten me through the tough days and challenges of my life. It's got a good message and , at least I think, it sounds dope as hell.

2. Be by Usher. It's not my favorite song, but again it's got a really good message. Just gotta slow down your life, take a pause and enjoy it.

There's 2 songs I like. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What They Don't Accept...

God damn I am tired. Started waking up at 5:00AM every morning to take part in University of Chicago's Kuvia challenge thing. It's a physical activity thing where you can take part in a lot of activities such as dance, martial arts, etc. At least you get free bagels and Hi-C... which reminds me I have a juicebox in my coat pocket. Win.

Day 3: 2 Hour Walks Back Home
1. Forrest Gump. Probably my favorite movie of all time. Just a really well done movie.
2. Hitch. Will Smith is hilarious; at least I think so. Really good story about love.
3. Iron Man. I love Tony Starks character. Insanely smart, extremely smooth, and he's just got swag.

There's 3 of my favorite films. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Put You On Another...

Finally back in the Chi. Missed this place..

Gotta make this a bit quick cause I need to get up in 4 hours for a hip-hop class at U of C. Ooooh shiet nigga. That finna be fun.

Day 4: Papercuts
1. Harry Potter Series. I've recently started reading the entire HP saga again, and I must say it's really interesting. The story really matures as Harry grows up and hits puberty. Good stuff.
2. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Yeah, I know, it's smut; but it's really well written, interesting smut.
3. Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Series. Nothing I like more than reading about shit that I will never need to know in my life. Hitler liked Jewish porn? Never know when that information is going to come in handy.
4. Spawn Comic Book Series. Yeah, I read comics, so what? Story is good, pictures are very well drawn, what's not to like?

As you can see, my book choices.... not that mature, but a good reflection of myself I suppose.

There's 4 books I enjoy. See you tomorrow.

Monday, January 10, 2011

In they Color...

it's 1AM in San Fran and I have no means of getting any food. lol

Day 5: The Way to My Heart

1. Noodles and pasta. Udon, ramen, spaghetti, chow mein, lo mein, pain fried noodles, it's all damn good to me. Never met a noodle I didn't like.

2. Potatoes. Spoken like a real American. I enjoy potatoes in all their forms; I just gotta work out twice as hard when I eat them. Gotta get rid of them carbs ya know.

3. Harold's Fried Chicken. Hands down, best fried chicken I've had. The shop is dirty, grimy, and overall pretty ugly... the best signs of a great place to eat. 9/10 Black people agree.

4. Meatloaf. I never understood why people don't like this. I share this guilty pleasure with my best friend Henry. Nothin we like better than a good loaf.

5. The Shack Stack at the Shake Shack in NYC. It's a regular burger mixed with one of their shroom burgers. What people normally assume is that it's just a buger with mushrooms. You would be very incorrect. The mushroom is crusted and fried with some sort of cheese, so you get a gooey surprise when you bite into the burger. So delicious. Gotta wait like an hour in line to get one though. The Shack is busy.

gah, I'm really hungry now... damn you 10 day you challenge!

There's 6 foods I love. See you tomorrow. Gonna be back in the Chi.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

and They Hate That, They Wanna Paint You.

Pretty good day. Little bit of drama here in SF, guess it can cross borders too. :/

Went to In-N-Out Burger today, overall, it was just aight. Worth it for the price. Wish I knew about their secret menu, everyone makes it sound so delicious. Maybe on Monday.

This morning, Dim Sum with the cousin's wife... that's going to be awkward...

This night, however, is technically....

Day 6: It's a Small World After All.
1. Japan. I took Japanese in high school, and I feel like I should use my knowledge of the Japanese language at SOME point in my life. From what I've seen, I think I'd really like Japan. Tokyo has a huge city vibe, and other places in Kobe and Okinawa have really peaceful and serene areas. Plus I'm a huge fan of Japanese food. :9
2. Los Angeles. More specifically, the Debbie Reynolds Dance Studio. To me, that's one of, if not the, dance mecca's of the U.S. Lyle Beniga, Keone Madrid, Kyle Hanagami, Mari Martin, and everyone else teach there regularly, if not somewhere in the general area. Also, food scene is very good there from what I hear; very fresh, very healthy, and very flavorful. I'm definitely going to visit LA at one point. Maybe even live there when I'm older.
3. New Zealand and Melbourne. I want to swim in the Great Barrier Reef. So clear, so diverse, so beautiful. Australia is very serene and from what I hear, the people are very nice. Plus, there's a VERY good food scene in Melbourne (starting to see a trend here?)
4. New York City. The city that never sleeps. Perfect for me. I always thought that the Chi was superior to NYC, and while I love Chicago with all my heart, I have to concede to the Big Apple. I have never felt such a pronounced heartbeat from a city before. People just on their grind all day, not stopping for anything. Love it. NYC has the Broadway Dance Center as well as many other famous dance studios. Plus, it's only two hours away from my friends Alex and Christine and the FUNKtion Dance Studio in NJ. Of course, as always, the food is amazing there. :9 the Shack Stack at the Shake Shack... oh... my... god..... hands down, best burger I have ever had.
5. Where the people who are close to my heart are. I'm in San Francisco right now, and don't get me wrong, I'm having a really good time exploring on my own and hanging out with my cousin; but when you're with people you share no real connections with, it's still lonely. I'm a fairly extroverted person, but I have a hard time cracking sarcastic jokes and loosening up when sarcasm doesn't exist in the Chinese language and I'm with people who don't speak english. I'd much rather be with the people I love.
6. Las Vegas. Sin City. 'nuff said.

There's 6 places I want to go. See you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

You Just Good at What They Can't Do.

Wandered around for 4 hours today in San Fran and ended it by sitting in front of the Pacific Ocean while having a conversation with my ex on the phone. It was a chill day.


Day 7: Bane of the Enlightened
1. To dance. Not just to dance, but to be amazing at it. There's really not a moment of the day where I'm not thinking about dance. When I listen to music, I think about choreo to it. When I'm eating, I think about how many hours I'll need to rest before I can start dancing. When I think of my ex (sad to say I still do) I think about how we danced together. It's such an integral part of my life. I eat, breathe, and live dance.
2. To save people. Kinda like a super hero does. I would actually love to be a super hero, and I think I'd be good at it. I mean, all I'm lacking is the physical prowess, gadgets, and the bulletproof skin. I'd be all up in that. Then again, I wouldn't mind just being a doctor and helping people that way. Here's to hoping I make it.
3. I really want to find that someone special. I was asked a couple days ago when I wanted to be married, and I thought about it and I realized that, really, I'm already ready to get married. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to marry some random Jane or Jill off the street, I'm just saying, I think I'm mature enough to tie the knot. I don't have the desire to sleep around with hundreds of girls. I don't want or need flings with girls to find out what I want in a girl, because I already know. What I really want is some special girl who I can trust and love to keep me grounded. Someone who doesn't take me for granted and someone who can love me in return.
4. To be able to trust people. Growing up the way I did, living the way I do, you don't trust people. I hate being so paranoid and believing that people will betray you the first chance they get. It makes me feel so guilty for not being a good friend. I never believe what people say. You know the saying "take everything with a grain of salt?" well, I take things with at least 4 metric tons of salt. I think I'd be more happy if I could trust people. I mean, you can't see what's ahead of you if you're always looking behind to check who's going to get you, you know?
5. Endless fortune. I know that sounds cliche and soooo greedy, but really I could fulfill wants 1 and 2 so much easier. With my money I could finish school easier, go to med school easier, probably wouldn't become a doctor, but start up my own hospital and research center. Plus, by not having to work, I'd be able to dance ALL THE TIME. Maybe fund Movement Lifestyle and other dance companies. Oh the possibilities.
6. Confidence. I feel like most of my failures (mainly all my greatest failures) in life are because I never thought I could accomplish them in the first place. I've only achieved a bit of confidence in the last year, and it's completely changed my life. I can't even imagine how I'd be if I had as much confidence as I wanted.
7. As for my final want... I guess it sounds kinda lame or stupid and impossible... but I really really want to be an Angel. To be completely free from everything. All the troubles of life... just... gone. I can only imagine...

There's 7 of my wants. See you tomorrow.

Friday, January 7, 2011

and Never be Ashamed to...

Touched down in San Francisco. Sun shines, lots of beautiful womens, decent food, and clean air... I could get used to this ;]. if San Fran is this good, LA must be amazing.

anyways, it is now...

Day 8: Weakness
1. Insects. They're Hell spawn I tells ya. HELL SPAWN. This is probably my only phobic fear. Doesnt mean I won't smashy one up good though.
2. Losing the ability to use my legs... again. People really take things for granted. It's true what they say, you never know what you've got 'til it's gone. Half a decade ago I fell into a coma and the muscles in my body completely atrophied to the point where I couldn't even sit up without assistance, let alone walk. It would be MUCH worse now that dance has latched itself onto my life. I honestly don't know what I'd do.
3. Betrayal. I am terrified of it.
4. Becoming the 40-year old virgin. Not that I've seen the movie, I'm just talking about the circumstance.
5. Women. They're volatile, unpredictable, and worst of all, you can't punch them :/
6. Having my friends leave me when they realize who I really am.
7. Opening up to people... I guess this kinda goes with betrayal, cause I always think that people will tell my darkest secrets to everyone else... ergo, why I don't tell people my darkest secrets.
8. My future. I have a set plan about how my life will be, and I'm constantly afraid that things will not go the way I planned... because they usually don't.

There's 8 of my fears. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Rule 2, Do You to the Fullest

Alright I know it's technically still day 10, but I'm going to be busy as hell tomorrow and I doubt I'll have the time, so let's do this right now.

Day 9: The Most Wonderful Thing in the World.
1. Music. Life would suck without it. I have my headphones in most of the day listening to my music. Without music, there would be no dancing, which brings me to...
2. Dance. Would not be living without it. Dance literally saved my life. It keeps me sane, gives me a reason to get fit, it gave me so many new connections and friends, and has made me into a better person.
3. Food. Although I'm giving it up for a greater purpose, I really love food. Cooking food, tasting food, smelling food, looking at food. It's all wonderful to me.
4. Women. Don't get ahead of me now, I don't mean boobs and ass and all that crap. I actually mean women as in the person. I don't know what it is, but I feel really comfortable around them; I feel more like myself. Don't know what it is. Also, I'm not talking about females, I mean women as in mature women who know what's up.
5. Close Friends. They're always there for me, I can tell them anything without feeling judged, persecuted, or worry about them blabbing to other people. I can always call em up to hang out or talk without feeling guilty for bothering them, and I never have a bad time when I'm with them. I can always depend on them to know when I'm feelin like shit and help me through my rough patches. I've got a lot of friends, but I've only got three legit close ones (hopefully more in the future): Henry Guan, Kim Mok, and Alex Susanto. Love you guys, real talk.
6. The Bright Side. Over the past few months I've been becoming more and more of an optimist; always trying to find something good out of everything bad. That gives me hope. That gives me a reason to live.
7. A Great Story. Nothing intrigues me more than a really interesting story, whether from a book or some guy's drunk story. Good shit.
8. Working out. I never thought I'd say this, but I actually really like working out. It's a humongous stress reliever and it's really healthy for me. Can't go more than a week without hitting up the gym at least once.
9. A balance between maturity and silliness. I love people who can have fun but can be mature when the time calls for it. I really hate people who are so mature that the sticks up their butts are touching their brain, and people who aren't mature enough to hold an intelligent conversation without mentioning penises.

There's 9 things that I love. See you soon.

First Rule, Never Let 'em Change You.

So I saw this on my friend Nikki's tumblr account. As I sat here, waiting for the drowsiness from my Benadryl, I figured this would be a fun way for me to open up to you guys.

Let's get this started.

Day 10: Inside Out.
1. I do not take compliments well. When I get them, I get flustered and I always feel REALLY awkward because I never think I deserve the praise. I usually just go "uhh-er... why thank you", and I'm pretty sure I start blushing. Either that, or the compliment goes STRAIGHT to my head, and over-inflates my ego. So, do us both a favor and don't compliment me; I don't need it, nor do I know what to do with it.
2. I've got a soft spot for bulimics and anorexics. I don't like it when people make fun of them for what they're doing (albeit what they are doing is wrong) because as a former fat person, I can really relate to how they feel. Actually, I should say, as a developing (non-purging) bulimic (I've got a couple of the symptoms... ergh) I know what they're going through.
3. I used to play piano and guitar. I'm actually very musically inclined, I just never had the motivation to get better at the instruments. Sometimes I regret that. Same with sketching, love it, but don't do it as much.
4. The first piece of choreography I ever learned was the dance to H.O.T.'s Candy (I think that's what it's called..). It looks really gay, but I think it's fun. Actually took me a while to learn it back then (a couple days?) eve though it'd take me at most 10 minutes nowadays.
5. My personality is more suited to a martyr (as stated by my friend Alex). I would literally give up everything (including my life) so someone else could live and be happy. It's a real bitch and a half sometimes.
6. I have this weird thing about Heaven and Hell; the concept is really interesting to me, and I know if I went to Heaven, I'd be a little bummed out that I'd never get to see what Hell looked like or experience it (although I'd get over it real soon haha). More specifically though, I have a really weird attraction to Angels; maybe it's the aspect of the freedom to fly anywhere at anytime? I don't know.
7. I want what I can't have. I believe you can imagine the problems that can stem from this :/
8. I break down every choice I can make to see what consequences would happen from a specific path. I do this for EVERYTHING. Probably why I take a while to make a decision, because I plan ahead waay far into the future depending on my circumstances.
9. Speaking of the future, I think A LOT about my reality in time. I think a lot about my past, even more about the future. Now that I think about it, I don't really live in the present; the present is merely a stepping stone for the future to me. The present and the choices I make now will affect my happiness in future. That's how I think about it.
10. I'm very self-conscious about having had cancer (actually self-conscious about everything). I think a lot about how having cancer affects how people see me. Do my friends see me as a gimp for having had it (like my mom does, her words not mine) or do they see past the scars and death? How hard is it going to be to find a woman who will look past the cancer completely and actually love me for who I am without thinking about disease (not that anyone would admit it)? Along with that, I always feel like it's selfish for me to make friends or want someone special even though I'm going inevitably die a lot earlier and put them through that kind of pain.

There's 10 secrets about me. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


:D :D :D :D :D

More updates later. much later.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Ceeeeelebrate Good Times Come On! :D

New Years Resolutions (actually my first time making them)

1. Get nice abs by the end of Feburary
- Consists of 2 hours at the gym EVERYDAY.
2. Get into Dance 2XS UIUC
- Consists of training extra hard in my spare time
3. Make 2010-2011 Asian American Association's Fashion Show unforgettable
- Consists of me pulling my pants off (just kidding)
4. Raise my GPA to at least a 3.5, maybe 3.6
- Straight A's both semesters.
- Study in your room, not in the lounge cause you ain't gonna study there.
6. Steady Girlfriend.
- Moreso determined by the fates, but it would be nice to have one by the end of the year.

let's see if I can pull this off. shall we?