Monday, January 31, 2011

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know...

Dreams are powerful.

Last night I had a dream where I had to relive all my past failures.

I woke up in tears.

I relived my abusive childhood, all the failures of my love-life, all my failures in friendships, all my failures in dance, and worst of all.... my experiences with cancer.

Let's start with that. I have NEVER until this day, thought that I was any less of a person because of having cancer. If anything, I thought I was a better person because I experienced real pain and survived. But now.... I feel like the gimp my mother refers to me as. I feel broken, I feel regret, I feel worthless.
Maybe I am worthless. People say that they need me. I find that hard to believe. What could I possibly bring to anyone's life that no one else could? People don't need me. I play no special role. I've just been a parasite on everyone I've ever known. I take, and yet selfishly contribute nothing. I once jokingly called my brother the "Black Hole of Failure", but maybe I should've been calling myself that.

Everything, my entire past and all the rejection, keeps replaying over and over again in my mind, and each time I feel this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault. That I deserved all of it; that I'm supposed to be suffering.

It's one of those times I wish I had died 6 years ago.

I resent God for not ending it back then.


Icy Roses said...

Please don't ever think that. There are always people who care about you and love you. I know I haven't talked to you in a long time, but I do think about you. I know you don't like telling me depressing things, but if you ever change your mind, I'm always here.

faitswulff said...

We don't need you here. We want you here. And that's more important.

I can't say what my life would be like without you. I can't say that there is a God. I can't say that my life will have a happy ending. I can't say I know what true Love is.

What I can say for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that my life is better with you in it. Your friends' lives are better with you in it. The world is a better place with you in it. I can say this with no qualms, no buts or ifs.

Keep on trucking. Keep on failing; I'm right there with you (actually I'm probably doing worse in terms of money, career, and GPA). Fail because failure is human. We all failed at walking as toddlers. We called it crawling.

Wear that failure proudly because if we stop crawling, we'll never know what it feels like to run. Wear it proudly and no one will expect anything of you. Wear it proudly and they'll all be caught by surprise when you change the world.

I'm looking forward to it.

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