Last night I had a dream where I had to relive all my past failures.
I woke up in tears.
I relived my abusive childhood, all the failures of my love-life, all my failures in friendships, all my failures in dance, and worst of all.... my experiences with cancer.
Let's start with that. I have NEVER until this day, thought that I was any less of a person because of having cancer. If anything, I thought I was a better person because I experienced real pain and survived. But now.... I feel like the gimp my mother refers to me as. I feel broken, I feel regret, I feel worthless.
Maybe I am worthless. People say that they need me. I find that hard to believe. What could I possibly bring to anyone's life that no one else could? People don't need me. I play no special role. I've just been a parasite on everyone I've ever known. I take, and yet selfishly contribute nothing. I once jokingly called my brother the "Black Hole of Failure", but maybe I should've been calling myself that.
Everything, my entire past and all the rejection, keeps replaying over and over again in my mind, and each time I feel this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault. That I deserved all of it; that I'm supposed to be suffering.
It's one of those times I wish I had died 6 years ago.
I resent God for not ending it back then.