Thank You.

I actually wanted to post this on actual Thanksgiving Day, but couldn't because that day was one of "those" days; and I literally couldn't think of anything meaningful to say because my mind was clouded with so much regret and negativity. Today though, different story. So let's go.

This post is mainly just to put my appreciation for my best friends into words. Something that a lot of people don't do nowadays. I am a fervent believer that you should always treat your friends with the utmost appreciation and kindness; especially if they mean something to you. It's something I learned the hard way, but if you love someone, you should let them know. Really, you don't even need to use words to tell them; really, the best way is to show your care for them.

Everyone on this list, I care about you deeply. This isn't just for Thanksgiving, either.

I thank the Gods everyday for blessing me with your presence.

Henry Guan:

First and foremost, I would like to say that you are the only man I've ever loved; real talk. You're the person I've shared so many fun memories with. I remember the times back in Homework Help when we played card games after doing homework, going to Jun's house to play DDR (and you guys made poked fun at me for liking Julie back then xD), playing tennis way back when at McGuane with Wing and Justin, coming over to my house with Jun to play SSX Tricky (Jun fall down... funny), playing basketball in the middle of winter to the point where I couldn't speak straight anymore because of the cold, you teaching me how to ride a bike while learning the Sorry Sorry dance, doing the Sorry Sorry dance together at my house, all those talks 'til 4AM we've had, watching Samurai Champloo together, and tonight, where we slapped each other silly playing the ABC game at Saint's Alp. I could go on for weeks just listing all the other memories we've made over the years.

I don't know where I would be without you in my life; but I'm damn sure that I wouldn't be half the man I am today without you. I've always admired and respected your true sense of morality and how you always are able to do whatever the fuck you wanted without caring what other people thought. Throughout the years, you've always had my back, and I truly believe that you always will.... hahaha... you just IMed me telling me you decided not to shower and screaming out "WOOO!!!"... it's shit like that why I'm so proud to call you my best friend. You're amazingly unique, unbelieveably hilarious, and one of the best and strongest supports I've had in my life. We are so different in our personalities... but our souls couldn't be any more identical.

It's been a rough year for both of us, as you know, but we're gonna get through it. We keep each other strong and we're going to be happy soon. I know it.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, brother.

(I had so much trouble picking a picture, but this one for some reason, made me the happiest xD)

Kim Mok:

It's so strange that I've only known you for about 2 years now... yet... I love you just as much as I do Henry. I really don't know what to call our relationship; "close friend" isn't good enough, and "sister" definitely doesn't fit either, you are definitely my best girl friend, but to me it doesn't do it justice... One day I'll find the perfect way to describe it, but for now I'm just going to enjoy your company.

I still remember meeting you at my second practice of NightLife '09. I literally saw you and was totally smitten hahahaha. I friended you on facebook and mentioned you in a comment about your shoes (which I thought were so awesome) because I was too much of a pussy at the time to actually post something meaningful on your wall. You're literally the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, much less get this close to; even though you would never admit it haha...

Since then, we've shared so many experiences together. We've choreographed a piece together (something I haven't done with anyone else), we've broken bread countless times, cooked for friends and each other, had ab competitions with each other, had so many deep talks and shared so many stories with each other, shed tears together, and have kept each other strong for as long as we've known each other. heh, I still remember the time I pissed you off last year... hoo.. that was one of the longest nights of my life; wondering what I had done to our friendship.

Without you, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead right now. Thank you so much for giving me something to live for.

We're still going places, and to me, it doesn't matter where the hell we end up, because we'll still be there for each other. Love you, babe. Thank you for being there when I need it the most.

You mean the world to me, and I hope you know that.

(Man.. we are beautiful)

Alexander Yuwataepakorn Susanto:

Dude, I don't even know where to begin... I guess just to say that I am the man I am today because of you. You taught me what confidence was. You brought me into the world of dance. You also played a huge part in saving my life... on more than one occasion, I'm ashamed to say. You were my first real role model, and you still kind of are, even though a part of me doesn't want to admit that I need to look up to you (because it shows that I'm not strong enough).

We had some low times, but really, I don't care about those anymore. There's been too many good memories to even let the bad ones tarnish our relationship. The time I spent with you in NYC and BDC turned into some of the best memories and experiences I've ever had. Even that drive around New Jersey after that Applebee's experience where I got paid to eat food was so fun to me. Just talking about our pasts, girls, and relationships.

The day I came home for some break (I don't remember which one specifically) and my brother told me that I seemed more confident, I knew deep down that it was because of you. You were the catalyst that started my growth, and without you, I'd probably still be a loser kid that gamed all day and didn't have the confidence to look at a girl in the eyes.

So thank you. For everything.

(hahaha, I just remembered the times we tried to "thousand years of pain" each other.. miss ya bro.)

Marz Rivera:

It's almost been a decade since we've met. I still remember those ackie days when we'd go to computer info tech together and work on projects.. hahaha.. and that time that dude took a picture of us because of Felix's bigass bookbag.

You were there for me freshman year when all my other "friends" were talkin' hella shit about me. Though we've never really had many deep talks, and even though I don't really know as much as I would like to know about you, know that I got your back no matter what the situation because I know you got mine.

Real talk, you're one of the reasons why I work so hard in dance and in 2XS. For some reason I feel like I gotta keep my skills up so I'll never disappoint you. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come these past years, and I wish you the best.

Thank you for the loyalty and everything else, bro.

(I was worried I didn't have a picture of just us that looked good. Boy was I wrong)

Venus Liang:

You're amazing, you know that? Back when I met you during BizCaz practice, I would've never thought how important you would become to me; nor how important I would apparently become to you.

I think out of everyone on this list, I've had the most deep, spiritual, and philosophical discussions with you. Like that time we just sat in... someone's car until 4 or 5AM just talking about our lives and talking about relationships and guys and girls... and seeing a raccoon (god damn that nig was huge). You're one of the few people I can actually open up completely to, and that's saying a lot.

You called me your role model once, which surprised the hell outta me but made me hella happy; and since then, it's given me the motivation to try my hardest at everything to keep up with what I believe are equal to your standards. I promise I'll work to the point where I actually feel like I'm worthy to be your role model, and I'll try my hardest to not fall.

You have the amazing innate ability to make me smile, no matter what the situation is. I'm so proud of all you've accomplished, and I hope to make you proud one day as well.

Thanks for always brightening up my days, boo. :)

(Real talk, I felt awkward during this pic because I was touching your bare back)

Don Mach:

Really, I still have no idea why you took a shine to me, though I'm so glad you did. You took me under your wing and trained me, for no reason at all. Through dance, you've taught me so much about life and perseverance. You're probably one of the main reasons I work so hard in 2XS (which you helped me get into in the first place) is because of you. I want to one day get on your level and make you proud.

We've shared drinks (I'm still convinced you poured more than one shot of kraken into my rum and coke...), cooked pizza together with the P.I. fam which you helped create, and talked for hours about philosophy and happiness. Things I take to heart.

Thank you for constantly looking after me, really, you are a big brother to me.

(dude, we need a better fucking photo)

Robin Jun:

You probably didn't think you'd end up on this list, did you? Well, regardless of where we may stand now, I still thank the Gods every day for the opportunity to have met you, to have kissed you, and to have loved you.

While I've said so many times that I regret how things turned out between us, I never once regretted going through the journey with you. Through our experiences, I've grown more than I ever have before. You were the first girl I ever loved, and definitely the first girl I spent basically everyday with for basically a year. Never have I had such a desire to get to know someone before, though you never made it easy for me to do so, hahaha.

We've had so many experiences with each other, and while not all of them were good, every single one of them changed me in some way; I like to think for the better.

At the moment, I'm thinking about all those times we had... Our first lunch at Panera with Christine, XiXi, and Simon during runthroughs, the day I gave you the "doorknob to my heart", going to the mall with Kim and getting into the photo...box thing, '10 formal with that stunning dress, that day (night for you) we chatted online while I was halfway around the world in China, the day I asked you out and you shot me down, the day I asked you out again and you shot me down though we still ended up together (I had a huge smile on my face I could not get rid of), that snowy night we went to bombay and chilled in your room watching how I met your mother, the emotionally unstable night before we broke up, Fashion Show '10-'11 and the night after (Hooo, that was crazy...), the day we broke up for the first time, that spring break where I was a complete asshat, the summer nights when we'd stay up 'til 5AM just chatting about nothing on skype, the day you came back and we got back together, Mark's party, going swimming, the second time we broke up, all the workshops we've been to and all the dancing we've done together.... and well, now.

I cherish all those memories and more. You're one of the most unique girls I've ever met. You're an amazing dancer with so much potential; honestly, I'm jealous sometimes. You're still somewhat closed off from people, and I hope one day you find someone you can open up to; even though that person will never be me.

While I've been a complete dick to you the past month or so because I was upset with you, I would like you to know that I do still care for you. Even though we can't be friends anymore, I still care. I appreciate you and everything that you've done for me, and I wish you the best of the best. Wherever you may end up.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for being my first (and, I guess, second) girlfriend

Thank you for the first kiss (though you kinda missed)

Thank you for teaching me (inadvertently) how to be a good boyfriend

Thank you for the memories I'll always have

Thank you for changing me for the better.

I'll never forget.

Everyone else:

Don't think I forgot about you guys either. ;)

Though we may not be as close as I am with those above, I still appreciate every single one of you. Hell, I'd type out a thank you for all of you guys, but sadly, I just don't have enough time, patience, or mental fortitude to do all of that.

I hope one day we can become close friends, but until then...

Thank you.

P.S.

Dr. James Nachman:

You died on June 10, 2011. A day I will never forget.

Thank you for saving my life 7 years ago. I owe you everything.

My life's work is just to make you proud.

See you soon.

Relationships.

More and more I hear about drama in the relationships around me.

Anyone who's followed this blog knows that this is a big part of what I like to talk about, and really, a big part of my life. I've "recently" gone through heartbreak, and while everything is fine, the experience changed my life forever. How can something so intangible as love for another person alter a person so much?

Let's start with the basics.

**Note - the next few paragraphs are just speculation from what I've learned, I'm no expert on love or anything, this is just my opinion**

95% of women--no, 95% of any given person (mentally/personality wise), is the same as any other. It's that 5% that makes you different.

It's that 5% which makes no relationship similar to any other. Rather, that's what makes no one person similar to any other. Just as all snowflakes are different, yet they are all made up of water; just as we are all different, but are all just flesh and bone.

Now in that 5% is all the nuances of your personality that make you who you are. Your likes, dislikes, temperament, what you're attracted to, etc. For those of you trying to chase that perfect guy/girl, this 5% can either be heaven or hell for you. It can make and break your relationship.

It's that 5% that causes all the drama. There's no two people on the world that fit perfectly together, and there's bound to be disagreements or something that one person doesn't like about the other and that's when arguments can start, resentment, and scorn. When that happens, wave the white flag and say "gg" ("good game" for those of you who don't game all the time and have self respect *cough*) cause you've just lost. Personalities always clash at one point or another, it's just whether you care enough to listen and see what your significant other means to you. Otherwise, one will take the other for granted, leaving both parties angry, sad, and eventually hurt.

So why do we do this?

Why do we get into relationships even though it's probably a less than 1% chance something amazing will happen?

Why do we get into relationships even though we get hurt in the worst way?

It doesn't make sense does it? I mean, you don't put your hand over a fire again and again, hoping for a different outcome, right?

So why do we do this?

Here's my take:

Humans are social creatures, and I feel like a real relationship is the ultimate connection with another being.

To be love and be loved in an intimate way is the most personal you can get with someone. It's an amazing, indescribable feeling. When it's done right and you're attuned to your significant other, even for a second, I think that there's no better happiness.

That's why we try and try again. Once you've had a taste of the "forbidden fruit" (no, I don't mean sex) you really can't live without it.

It's so we can find that person we can completely break down our walls and become completely vulnerable; because we know our other will be there. I think everyone just wants that feeling. To finally be able to let your guard down.

Well that's my take, if you don't mind sharing yours, I'd be glad to listen. :]

Meaning of Perfection Pt. 2

I'm done studying for the night, but I wanted to write a little somethin' somethin' before I turned in.

I will admit my journey towards perfection has slowed down a bit. Especially this weekend.

Academically, I slipped up some because I've just lost focus especially now, cramming studying for my physics exam tomorrow and my MCB lab exam on Tuesday, I still can't seem to focus on studying. Physical-wise, I'm not doing too bad. I've dropped 10lbs in some of my workouts, but can now run a mile and some without much problem. Dancing has stopped a bit because of school and finals week coming up. Hopefully I can get back on track by tomorrow.

Alright let's pick up where I left off.

I want to first address the situation with the cancer. I am not better. Like I said in my previous post, the pain never fades; and it doesn't. This is something I have to live with, and times do get hard sometimes; and that day was one of those times. We have to live with what has happened to us. I can't change the fact that I've had cancer, I can only work with it. That's part of the reason I need to become my vision of perfect. I need to make myself as a person so amazing, so the cancer is the last thing that anyone thinks of. It's so that I can believe that I didn't deserve it, that I've risen above it.

As for relationships. Well, I think I'm actually over Robin now. I think the reason why I was so attached to her was that without her, things didn't feel normal. After hanging out with her everyday for months, having a void in my life where she used to be seemed wrong; and I guess I wanted to fix that the easy way (figuratively easy) by trying to get her back. We have a lot of things in common, but a lot of those things are quite superficial. The things that really matter, we probably could not be further apart. The things we want in life are completely different, and you can't make a lasting relationship out of that. While we were together, we had a lot of happy times, but there were a lot more sad ones, and relationships shouldn't be rollercoasting like the way ours did. Not to say I regret it; not at all, I actually got a lot out of the relationship and out of the break-up, like my first kiss, learning what women really want (most of the time, because women never really know what they want), a new way to tie my headphones, appreciation of Korean food and culture, learning more about what I want in a girlfriend, the drive to better myself, etc. I actually learned a lot about this from the Wong Fu video "Strangers, Again" (amazing video). The sad thing about all this is, Robin is slowly becoming a stranger to me again. As each day passes, I have less and less energy to put forth all the effort of salvaging our friendship, and sooner or later, sad to say our lives will end up being separated.

As for other girls. I don't really have time for that at the moment. I'm already struggling to keep my academic, emotional, and physical status at a certain level. I don't have the time or energy to build someone else up too. again, not to say that I wouldn't get into a relationship, if the opportunity arises, I will take it. But, then again, I'm not really looking for opportunities now am I?

It just seems at this point in my life, it's not practical to get a girlfriend. It's just like in high school. You'll have a sweetheart that you'll think will be with you forever, but you graduate and move to different colleges. It's the same in college, except, there is even less of a chance you two will end up in the same area. Who knows which med school will take me in, if any. I don't want to get into a relationship just to inevitably break it off in two years.

There are probably some of you who are thinking "Man, why are you thinking about the future like that? Just enjoy your life now you don't know what will happen". I'll say that I can see your point, but I kinda disagree. True, I don't know what will happen, but I do understand the concept of probability; and there is a high ass mother f*cking chance that I'd have to break up with the girl if I ended up going to another state for school. I do not believe in long distance relationship for the sole reason that I'm a paranoid PoS, and my mind is going to be riddled with questions about who's dicking my girlfriend. Not worth it.

I think I have more to say on the subject, but I'm about ready to pass out.

watch the video. It's very eye-opening.

The Meaning of Perfection.

It appears I've stumbled upon a little bit of break time in between my studies so I'm going to kick back and blog about something that's come to me in the past day.

I mentioned in my last post that I met a man named Calvin Sun at the Midwest Asian American Student Union Spring Conference. I've actually been keeping in touch with him through e-mail and I've been trying to claw out every bit of information I could get about med school and just how to optimize my life like he has. His responses have been quite casual (not that I was looking for more) and simple, but what they've inspired me to do is to make my life into my vision of perfect. I've got a lot of flaws in my life (yeah, I know I've said that before, still remains true) and I really have to buckle down and work on them (yeah, I know I've said that before too, shut up) and one really simple thing that Calvin said to me, I think, will help me accomplish it. I asked him how he has the time for med school and all his extra currics, and he told me: "Leave no room for procrastination." and that really hit me. I thought to myself "Why do I procrastinate? I mean, everything I procrastinate on has to get done anyway so why the hell shouldn't I do it now?". That thought kinda just spiraled to "If you don't like how your life is now, what the fuck are you waiting for? Change it NOW".

I know a lot of people say "Why do you want perfection? Your flaws make you who you are!". I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree. Your personality is what makes you; your flaws are what's wrong with you. That's the definition of a flaw. Not to say that my goal is to rid myself of every flaw I have; I am a realist after all, and I know that is well beyond impossible. My vision of perfection is just to make my life the best that it can be in physical, social, academic, and artistic aspects.

I was creepin' looking into Calvin's accomplishments and I was absolutely blown away with how long the list was. One of his accomplishments that really blew my mind (besides being president of like 14 different organizations) was that on his first year of med school, he already became the vice president of his class. That brings me to road to improvement factor number 1: be more outgoing. One thing Calvin suggested I do was to find extracurriculars that fit my passion, and if you follow my blog (according to the stats page, a couple of you from Russia do.... o.o;) you know that I'm really passionate about dance. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue Project Illegal as a director on my senior year. It's going to be a year long training workshop for those who want to broaden their dance repertoire, improve their dance skills, or just start dancing. One of the goals I have is to find and befriend dancers from various backgrounds and see if I can get them to help me with some dance workshops. At the moment I have no idea how I will do it, but that's part of the challenge right? I've also decided that I will join a pre-med fraternity like I was supposed to do my freshman year; which one I'll join is TBD, probably Phi Delta Epsilon. Who knows.

As for physical perfection, I'm going to up my gym frequency to everyday instead of only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. There really wasn't any reason for me not going everyday besides me being lazy. Wednesdays, as I have class at 8AM, I'll only be running. Otherwise, I will be doing my optimal workout along with running and/or abs every other day. To not die, I'll start sleeping earlier so I get my now mandatory 7+ hours of sleep.

Currently I am not in a good physical condition. I have too much fat in my upper body (chest and stomach) but I have chicken legs (not to mention my huge ass head). SO, goals for physical perfection include increasing muscle mass but not necessarily density (at this point) in my legs and arms and large amounts of cardio to burn the fat out of my moobs (man boobs) and spare tire. First will be fixed by doing squats; for those of you who don't know, squats are actually the best kind of workout exercise to do because your quads are the biggest group of muscles in your body, so if you work them out, your metabolism will skyrocket in no time. Also, because you have to use your entire body for squats, you're burning mad calories while you're doing them. As for cardio, I'm going to start actually running instead of using the elliptical machine. I've heard that the best kind of cardio is the one that you enjoy doing the most; well, the truth is I hate cardio, so really, I'm just going to use the most effective form which, in my opinion, is running. Plus that gives me an excuse to use my vibram five finger shoes, which may fix my flat feet. Two birds, one sweaty stone. I'm also going to pick up tennis again. I just thought I'd throw that in there.

I actually have more to say, but I'll leave it at this for now as I need to go to bed so I can run tomorrow and still be functional.

No.

I refuse to die now.

Do you hear me?

I refuse to die.

I have way too much to accomplish.

So bring the pain.

Bring the poisons.

Bring the scars.

I'll transcend it all.

Break the restraints you've held me under for 7 years.

Watch me do it.

Faith

Maybe it's something we all need a bit of.

half a month.

Time to start another challenge.

Day 15: The Outside

1. I rode in a bus filled with hoochies today. It was not as nice as the rappers make it out to be.

2. I am currently rooming with my best friend, Henry Guan.

3. I should be choreographing right now, instead I am eating raisins.

4. I don't know whether I want to buy a fedora or not. I definitely think I think I will.

5. I do a lot of harmless flirting. I don't know why.

6. I know three languages.

7. My favorite t.v. show is How I Met Your Mother. It used to be Scrubs.

8. One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump.

9. I really like wearing flannel shirts when I'm dancing.

10. I really like lounging around in a wifebeater and baggy sweats. It's the most comfortable thing ever.

11. I really can't wait for the weekend because I get to play tennis again!!! :D

12. I'm the coordinator for this year's AAA Fashion show. It's been fun/unbearable :D

13. I wholeheartedly believe that dancers are the best people in the world.

14. I like ab workouts. I think they're fun

15. I love to dance.

Scream.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Are you done spitting in my face yet?

Love

So Valentine's Day is coming upon us, and my friend Dan has been posting up so many.. how should we say.... love quotes? I don't know what they're called. All's I know is some of them are kinda beautiful (at least to me) and well, the others are kinda corny and funny. I just want to share with the world a little bit of love, because, really that's what we all need.

here's what he's posted thus far:

There are only two times when i want to be with you... Now, and forever.

Love is not only to love the times when you are at your top, but also to love you at your lowest

Whenever I'm near you, i feel my heart skip a beat.
Whenever I hear your voice, every other sound get's drowned out.
Whenever I see you, I wish you were mine.

The heavens weep for the one angel that fell, that was you.

Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.

If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

‎"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

It doesn't matter how long you have known him.....if he's got you smiling, starting from day one.....don't lose him..

‎" If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

Don't put off telling someone how you feel about them, because every day that passes by is another opportunity for them to meet someone else.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

they ask me what i see in you and i smile, look down and say nothing because i don't want them to fall in love with you too

The only guy that deserves you... is the one that thinks he doesn't. the one that'll stick by your side... no matter how much you mess up. and the one who will forgive you... mistake after mistake...

There's always a real reason behind every "just wondering"

Who would you chose? The one that you love...or the one that loves you?

God gave us two ears to hear, two eyes to see and two hands to hold. But why did God give us only one heart? Because he wants us to find the other one.

GREAT LOVE: It's when you shed tears yet you still care; it's when you're ignored yet you still long; it's when he begins to love another yet you still smile and say "I'm happy for you."

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.

‎"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

If you could see inside my head,
If thoughts were things to see.
You would see how much you mean,
How much you mean to me.
As long as you are with me,
My heart soars with joy.
The only person I think of,
Is you all day and night.
Even if I try to think of someone else I can’t
The only thing I ask is for you to never leave.
Because if you were to leave me,
I would never be able to live.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

If you have a significant other, cherish them, tell them you love them. If you have someone you're interested in, spend some time with them. If you like being single, well, good for you lol.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know...

Dreams are powerful.

Last night I had a dream where I had to relive all my past failures.

I woke up in tears.

I relived my abusive childhood, all the failures of my love-life, all my failures in friendships, all my failures in dance, and worst of all.... my experiences with cancer.

Let's start with that. I have NEVER until this day, thought that I was any less of a person because of having cancer. If anything, I thought I was a better person because I experienced real pain and survived. But now.... I feel like the gimp my mother refers to me as. I feel broken, I feel regret, I feel worthless.

Maybe I am worthless. People say that they need me. I find that hard to believe. What could I possibly bring to anyone's life that no one else could? People don't need me. I play no special role. I've just been a parasite on everyone I've ever known. I take, and yet selfishly contribute nothing. I once jokingly called my brother the "Black Hole of Failure", but maybe I should've been calling myself that.

Everything, my entire past and all the rejection, keeps replaying over and over again in my mind, and each time I feel this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault. That I deserved all of it; that I'm supposed to be suffering.

It's one of those times I wish I had died 6 years ago.

I resent God for not ending it back then.

Oh Stop, let Me Take A Mental Shot of this Moment

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school:

The purpose of school is not just to learn academics, but really to make friends and, in my case, learn about the world. It's mainly because of school that I grew up the way I did. I made the connections that shaped me into who I am. In early grade school I rolled with the "bad crowd" and I learned a lot from that. In high school I rolled with the smart asians and I got my hard working habits from that. In college I found people that actually helped me learn that people aren't always innately bad, and people who brought me into the world of dance.... of which, whom I owe everything to.

52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average?

People think I'm smart. School says I'm dumb. I think I'm just me.

53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever?

A+ or check mark in kindergarten, I don't know which one ranks higher.

54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher?

It was a a low 3. something. If it's not a 4, there is no reason not to aim higher.

55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)?

Biology to talk about, psychology to study.

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before?

I am not currently in love. I don't believe I ever have been. Right now, I'm really confused on where I want to be. Part of me wants my ex back. Part of me doesn't. Part of me is just fine being alone and doing me. Part of me misses having a significant other. I guess I don't know what I really want. For now, being me will have to do.

57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)?

Let's see.... No one really tells me they love me (which is understandable, love is really strong emotion), people hug me a good amount, used to get kisses, I've never been etc'd before... I don't really know what that is comprised of; not to say I'm not curious though.

58. Is love worth it?

Yeah, I think it really will be.

59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months?

Yeah, they're fucking idiots. They "love" the feeling of having someone around to validate them. It's not about liking the person, it's about liking the status. Unless you've been with a person for a SIGNIFICANT amount of time, you haven't found love. I think love is something you find in a person after a long time and lots of experiences with them. When you care about each other to the point where you know and trust each other better than you do yourselves.

60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word?

I can say it easy; but to say it and really mean it? It takes a lot.

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round?

No, it really doesn't. Some of the best things in life don't cost money. Sure, money can buy happiness, but all the happiness that money can buy is just temporary. The real joy in life is free.

62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money?

Back in my day, my family was very poor (back when my father wasn't in the picture and a bit after). They used to be really rich though. Now.. we're on the low side of middle class at best.

63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to?

lol saving. What's there to save? If there wasn't financial aid, I'd be washing cars right now or frying up some Egg Foo Young. Real talk.

64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with?

I'd rather find the perfect person. I don't think you're really set for life until you've found that person that sets it for you. That sounds corny. I apologize. But really, money wouldn't make me happy as a soul mate.

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you?

Low side of 6. Money is just a safety net.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin?

Yep.

67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with?

As long as no one gets hurt, there's no reason I see not to.

68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that?

Yeahhh, I kinda do. Because her panties drop when she hears words that rhyme with "dick". Haha, well, I guess that's a little exaggerated. She's really not that bad of a person, but her choices in life haven't been exactly saintly.

69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more?

I wouldn't change anything, because everything I did brought me to the path I'm on now, and the path looks pretty bright up ahead.

70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both!

I'm a nice guy and generally consider myself a gentleman. Doesn't mean I'm going to roll over for any person though. I'll be nice to you as long as you deserve it; if you don't, well, why am I still near you then?

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone?

Time varies depending on how fast people earn my trust. Henry took about 18 years, Kim and Alex took about half a year.... but really, I'm not much of a closed book. You want to know about me? Just ask.

72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone?

Wouldn't know, I don't fully trust anyone.

73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason?

Past experiences and just the way I was raised.

74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually?

When I know them and have at least some sort of attraction towards them. Also when they don't have a penis.

75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them?

I don't tell my parents shit. To my close friends, I can tell them almost anything concerning my past or my feelings (or lack of) for people. I just don't tell them my current medical woes because I don't feel like there's a reason for them to know something that they can't stop.

The Perfect Woman.

I just spent about 3 hours talking with my good friends Kim, Marz, Robin, Marcus, and Darren about what their perfect girl/guy would be, and it really got me thinking.

Here's mine:

1. Pretty face. Not saying she has to be beautiful, but looks matter to me. Not saying this is a gamebreaker/maker, it's still about personality.

2. Nice midrift. Some guys are for the ass, some guys are for the tits. I'm neither. I mean, I do like a girl who has some curves, but what really attracts me is a fit girl with some nice abs. Get to them crunches ladies. I'll do the same ;]

3. Good taste in food and clothes. Moreso food than clothes. I don't want a girl who just eats salad all the time. I want a girl who can appreciate a nice juicy burger and who won't judge me for eating one.

4. Can dance. This is a game maker/breaker for me. Not saying you have to be awesome (though it would be a HUGE plus in the pros column) but at least have the drive or interest in dance so you can dance with me. Hip-hop is preferable, but if it's ballet, that's cool too. You can teach me to plie and I can teach you to pop.

5. NOT CHILDISH. One thing I learned from my past relationships with girls (official and unofficial), is that I do not like childish girls. You know, once in a while acting a little cute is always enjoyable, but if you're all about Hello Kitty, and cute little shits, get the eff away from me. I don't want you in my life. Fo' real.

6. Down to Earth. That kinda goes along with number 5. I don't want a girl always in the air. I want a chill girl. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously, but doesn't restrict herself to reality too much.

7. Understands where I came from and accepts me for who I am. Kinda self explanatory. I don't come from a particularly nice background, and the last thing I need is a person who can't accept how that has shaped me. I'm not exactly the most STABLE person, but I like to think I have some structure.

8. Has a sense of humor. I like being the funny guy, but when a girl makes me laugh by some funny or off color joke, that really attracts me. Shows me she knows how to enjoy life, and enjoy words.

9. Butt-stickless. Don't like stuck up women. Touched on that before. Gotta be cool ya know. Know how to talk, know how to be chill, just have fun with life.

So basically those are the main qualities that I'd love in a woman..... but another thing I've realized from my past relationships is that.... none of that really matters. When you find a person that you really like(d), of course she's not going to fit your perfect schema for a girl, but it won't matter. You'll accept them and love them for who they are; just the way they are. So really, I don't have a "perfect woman" because if I can find that someone who I can care about and love, and have them love me in return, that person will be my perfect woman.

I can teach you to Fly

Can't say I'm not a little disappointed.

Dammit.

Time to go even harder.

Next time it's all or nothing.

Show Me Something I've Never Had Before.

Second semester has officially started and so far, I like my classes and haven't fallen asleep in any of them yet; so things are looking good in that respect.

Right now, I'm actually in a really good place. I'm in that little section of life where I don't have feelings for anyone, and really, it's nice. Like my best friend Henry told me today, I can just focus on myself, and that's something I really need. Been going to the gym everyday since I got back, and results are already showing. Abs by February, I'm coming for you. ;]

That being said, I've been so confused these past few weeks. So what I'm going to do about it is continue my little survey thing I started a while back. Maybe there will be a question that will help me find some clarity in my thoughts.

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to?

That would be my father. I'm actually surprised I'm not putting his name in quotations like I usually do. Because I've never really considered him my father because of his past actions; however, since this break and since my break-up, I've been thinking in a lot of different perspectives. I mean, what's me hating him forever going to do? He's been behaving himself recently, giving support to the family which he never did before, not being so abusive, and generally being non-reactive. Not to say I trust him or anything, not even close to that. Also, not to say I won't put him in his place (the floor) if he reverts back to his old ways.

27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

Ughh, I can't believe I'm saying this... but blood is really thicker than water. I love my friends much more than my actual family, but, when push comes to shove, I'd choose family. If it were a life or death situation though, I'd probably die trying to save both.

28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?

No. I tell them nothing about my life. Mostly because they don't care one way or the other, and two, they're really judgmental and I really don't need their put-downs getting in my way anymore.

29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

I have one older brother. I am actually pretty jealous of him. He gets the independence I can only dream of. He is also acknowledged by my parents as an actual man instead of a diseased gimp. He's also had a steady girlfriend for a couple years now. No idea how he does it. Also, no idea why he's jealous of me.

30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

Never. There is always an argument.

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?

I'm about 5'6'', I wish I were about 5'10'', maybe 6'.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that?

Most definitely. I've learned so much philosophy and gained so much perspective and motivation through my experiences in dancing, dating, getting dumped, and talking with my homies. I think I've become a whole different person than who I was a year ago. More confident, more talented, and overall stronger.

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?

In some aspects, well no, that's bullshit, in a LOT of aspects, I am still really childish. Sometimes it's on purpose though to bring smiles to faces, but a lot of other times, it's just because I haven't experienced or found the right way to approach a situation and usually I act like a child because like a child, I need to explore what's right and what's wrong. I feel that, at my core, I am a mature person.

34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?

Not scared, but I'm not looking forward to it either. I actually talked to my 32 year old cousin about this. I told him that I'd give anything to stay at the place I am right now; as in, a carefree college student that can enjoy life as it is. A person who can stop, smell the roses, and look at the pretty girls who pass by. Though, becoming 30, 40, and 50 all come with their own little benefits too, and I'll embrace them when they come.

35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

No one can say "No" to this. I personally have experienced more pain and enlightenment than most people will in their entire lives, and yet, there's still an endless ocean of knowledge that I have yet to uncover. There is no one in the universe that has all facets of knowledge, and that's how it should be. If you're done learning, what's the point of continuing to live? Life is about experiencing things and gaining knowledge, so if you've got it all, you're done. Right?

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

Probably the most real thing that a person can feel. Though, there are a lot of imitators. I'm assuming once you stumble upon it, you'll know.

37. Are you a pessimist of an optimist?

I like to think like an optimist, but most thoughts in my mind are the worst-case scenarios. Like, if I'm asked to play volleyball or something, first thing I'll think of is "Shit.. I'm going to suck and everyone is going to laugh at me" but then I actively try to turn that around now and think "You know what, fuck it, this isn't a tournament, we're just here to have fun". I feel like thinking about the worst-case scenario can help me brace myself, just in-case it does happen.

38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

I believe things happen for a reason. I know I've talked about this quite a bit, but my example would be me coming to UIUC instead of getting into NU or UChicago. I think it happened so I could grow into the person I am today, something that definitely would not have happened to me somewhere else.

39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?

I hope to God that's the case.

40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?

Music, dancing, and usually my best friend Henry.

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness?

Not constant, but more times than not, I feel sad and lonely. It's just about having the mental and emotional willpower to break through them. Sometimes though, you just have to break down and build yourself up, there's no way around it.

42. Do you have any type of disease or disability?

I've had cancer twice. Non-hodgkin's Lymphoma and papillary thyroid cancer. I've also got a heart condition and something that I will not mention as my friends read this sometimes. They'll know when it's time.

43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex?

Bad luck with the opposite sex.... No, I wouldn't call it bad luck. No, am I not in a hard relationship either. Really though, I don't think that any relationship comes easy. Friendships and lovers both have their pressures and disappointments; it's just the bonds you share with the people you interact with and if the strength of those bonds can withstand what comes. When they do, it's wonderful, but when it doesn't, it hurts, but I don't have a need for weak bonds in my life.

44. Do you think that you are alone in this world?

Sometimes I do. Being a cancer-survivor in a world full of healthy people who don't understand real pain and take for granted what they have makes me feel like a ghost.

45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away?

I actually had a lot of trouble getting started typing this sentence, but I mean, fuck it, no bullshit (though this sentence was a little bit of stalling). I'm actually quite ashamed to say that I have thought about suicide before, like seriously considered it. The first real time was back when I was in the middle of treatment, and at that point I was in constant pain, and I don't mean like when you have a hang nail and it hurts a bit all day. This was like my nerves were set on fire, all day, all night, with no treatment options, no found reason. I just really wanted to end it right there to save myself from the pain. Again, I'm ashamed to say, sometimes when things get rough in my life or I cause distress in another person's life, I regret not ending it back then. Death though, is another story, I'll see about that soon, won't I?

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke)

"Jun fall down.... funny" ... hahahhahha.

47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around?

It's both really. Most of my friends are quite hilarious, whether they do stupid things, have sharp wit, or are just acting really gay. Good times all around.

48. Do you cry when you laugh hard?

No, I get to clappin and bendin over. It's kinda weird.

49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day!

It was back during my freshman year of college. I went shopping with my friend Kim and my ex Robin. We saw the $0.25 kiddie rides (now $0.75, stupid recession) and I convinced Kim to ride one. I still have the video on my camera and it makes me smile every time I watch it.

50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class?

Not really. I don't really say much in class, and even if I did, I can't really say it loudly.

Hello there Old Friend.

You gonna finish the job this time or just fuck around again?

The Best Thing Is What You Already Be

Day 10: Me.

The Root of All Evil.

I really don't understand what my mom sees in money. It seems everyday she's arguing with SOMEBODY about money. I mean, right now she's arguing with her mom (my 90 year old grandma) about money... Like seriously, wtf. I know we're not well off, and I know she works really hard, but we do have enough to get by for now (I've checked the papers); at least until my brother and I start working. I don't understand why she's so obsessed with it.

The main reason why this is so distressing is that after the person she initially yells at gets fed up and hangs up on her, she comes and starts yelling at me... which is kinda what's going on right now in-between sentences....

I don't know what to do.

What They Don't See...

So it's day four of Kuvia.... I'm soooo freakin' tired.... PheNix Dance Crew... not as good as I thought.... Oh well. At least I got to do some yoga this morning? I dunno....

It's 3 days until I go back home. It's going to be glorious :D

Day 2: My First and True Love

1. The Show Goes On by Lupe Fiasco. Probably one of my favorite songs ever. It's a very motivational piece and has gotten me through the tough days and challenges of my life. It's got a good message and , at least I think, it sounds dope as hell.

2. Be by Usher. It's not my favorite song, but again it's got a really good message. Just gotta slow down your life, take a pause and enjoy it.

There's 2 songs I like. See you tomorrow.

What They Don't Accept...

God damn I am tired. Started waking up at 5:00AM every morning to take part in University of Chicago's Kuvia challenge thing. It's a physical activity thing where you can take part in a lot of activities such as dance, martial arts, etc. At least you get free bagels and Hi-C... which reminds me I have a juicebox in my coat pocket. Win.

Day 3: 2 Hour Walks Back Home

1. Forrest Gump. Probably my favorite movie of all time. Just a really well done movie.

2. Hitch. Will Smith is hilarious; at least I think so. Really good story about love.

3. Iron Man. I love Tony Starks character. Insanely smart, extremely smooth, and he's just got swag.

There's 3 of my favorite films. See you tomorrow.

Put You On Another...

Finally back in the Chi. Missed this place..

Gotta make this a bit quick cause I need to get up in 4 hours for a hip-hop class at U of C. Ooooh shiet nigga. That finna be fun.

Day 4: Papercuts

1. Harry Potter Series. I've recently started reading the entire HP saga again, and I must say it's really interesting. The story really matures as Harry grows up and hits puberty. Good stuff.

2. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Yeah, I know, it's smut; but it's really well written, interesting smut.

3. Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Series. Nothing I like more than reading about shit that I will never need to know in my life. Hitler liked Jewish porn? Never know when that information is going to come in handy.

4. Spawn Comic Book Series. Yeah, I read comics, so what? Story is good, pictures are very well drawn, what's not to like?

As you can see, my book choices.... not that mature, but a good reflection of myself I suppose.

There's 4 books I enjoy. See you tomorrow.