Wednesday, January 5, 2011

First Rule, Never Let 'em Change You.

So I saw this on my friend Nikki's tumblr account. As I sat here, waiting for the drowsiness from my Benadryl, I figured this would be a fun way for me to open up to you guys.

Let's get this started.

Day 10: Inside Out.
1. I do not take compliments well. When I get them, I get flustered and I always feel REALLY awkward because I never think I deserve the praise. I usually just go "uhh-er... why thank you", and I'm pretty sure I start blushing. Either that, or the compliment goes STRAIGHT to my head, and over-inflates my ego. So, do us both a favor and don't compliment me; I don't need it, nor do I know what to do with it.
2. I've got a soft spot for bulimics and anorexics. I don't like it when people make fun of them for what they're doing (albeit what they are doing is wrong) because as a former fat person, I can really relate to how they feel. Actually, I should say, as a developing (non-purging) bulimic (I've got a couple of the symptoms... ergh) I know what they're going through.
3. I used to play piano and guitar. I'm actually very musically inclined, I just never had the motivation to get better at the instruments. Sometimes I regret that. Same with sketching, love it, but don't do it as much.
4. The first piece of choreography I ever learned was the dance to H.O.T.'s Candy (I think that's what it's called..). It looks really gay, but I think it's fun. Actually took me a while to learn it back then (a couple days?) eve though it'd take me at most 10 minutes nowadays.
5. My personality is more suited to a martyr (as stated by my friend Alex). I would literally give up everything (including my life) so someone else could live and be happy. It's a real bitch and a half sometimes.
6. I have this weird thing about Heaven and Hell; the concept is really interesting to me, and I know if I went to Heaven, I'd be a little bummed out that I'd never get to see what Hell looked like or experience it (although I'd get over it real soon haha). More specifically though, I have a really weird attraction to Angels; maybe it's the aspect of the freedom to fly anywhere at anytime? I don't know.
7. I want what I can't have. I believe you can imagine the problems that can stem from this :/
8. I break down every choice I can make to see what consequences would happen from a specific path. I do this for EVERYTHING. Probably why I take a while to make a decision, because I plan ahead waay far into the future depending on my circumstances.
9. Speaking of the future, I think A LOT about my reality in time. I think a lot about my past, even more about the future. Now that I think about it, I don't really live in the present; the present is merely a stepping stone for the future to me. The present and the choices I make now will affect my happiness in future. That's how I think about it.
10. I'm very self-conscious about having had cancer (actually self-conscious about everything). I think a lot about how having cancer affects how people see me. Do my friends see me as a gimp for having had it (like my mom does, her words not mine) or do they see past the scars and death? How hard is it going to be to find a woman who will look past the cancer completely and actually love me for who I am without thinking about disease (not that anyone would admit it)? Along with that, I always feel like it's selfish for me to make friends or want someone special even though I'm going inevitably die a lot earlier and put them through that kind of pain.

There's 10 secrets about me. See you tomorrow.


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