Sunday, June 17, 2012

Days Four-Six.

Obviously, I've been slacking a little in the blogging department.  I find it very hard to make a blog post about my days and about my working out if nothing really special happens.  Not to say I was ever strict on myself about blogging consistently everyday; but when you do something like this, it's somewhat expected I guess.  Meh.

Day Four: Solitude.

Weight: 144.9lbs
- Not sure if I should attribute this to scale error, or me gaining muscle and/or adipose weight.
Muscle Definition: None
Food Intake: 
3x Protein Bar
Leftover Macaroni
Chicken Wings
Turkey-Pastrami and Ham Sandwich
Approx Caloric Intake: 1537 kcal (probably gross overestimation due to protein bars)

Workout: Biceps and Back (Re-do)
3x set 10rep/set dumb bell deltoid flys @ 15lbs each arm
1x set 10 rep per arm lawnmowers (Not sure what the actual name is but it looks like you're starting a lawn mower) @ 42.5lbs
3x set 10rep/set machine-weighted back rows @ 37.5kg
3x set 10rep/set machine-weighted Latissimus Dorsi Pull Down @ 42.5kg (mid-range)
3x set 10rep/set Upright Rows @ 50lbs
3x set 10rep/set Deadlift @ 80lbs
3x set 10rep/set-each arm endurance bicep curls @ 20lbs each arm
1 mile on the Elliptical

Day Five: Breaking Rules

Weight: Didn't check. Oops.
Muscle Definition: I can start seeing my back muscles again.   Gives me some hope.  Gynecomastia symptoms are lessening.  Thank God it's working.
Food Intake:
2x servings Leftover macaroni
Tortilla Chips and Salsa
Mexican Food (Guadalajara Special @ Dos Reales)
Approximate Caloric Intake: 2000+ calories...

Workout: Abs and Legs
**Notes** If you haven't noticed, Abs and legs are going to be interspersed in between all other days.
5x sets of 20x decline sit-ups @ 0, 5, 10, 20, and 25 degree declines
3x sets of 10x dual captain's chairs
50x reps of weighted roman twists @ 25lbs
5x set s of 10x weighted squats @ 130lbs
2 miles on elliptical

Day Six: Rest and Reflection.

Weight: No scale
Muscle Definition: None new.
Food Intake:
1 serving Fruit Loops with 2% Milk
1 serving Leftover Macaroni and Cheese (It's finally gone)
Turkey-Pastrami Sandwich
1 serving Potato Chips
Roasted Eggplant
1/2 cup Cooked White Rice
Approximate Caloric intake: 1030

Psych Eval:
Stress level: Medium

I don't know what's going on.  But something is starting to take a toll on me.  I'm starting to become more lethargic, irritable, non-focused, and more so in a constant less-than-content mood.  It's similar to the symptoms of my depression during first semester my junior year; but definitely no where near as severe.  There's just a heaviness in my heart (quite literally actually.... maybe it's cholesterol..)The thing is, I'm not sure what is causing this; relationship is great (cept for the long distance portion), friends haven't done anything to piss me off, I haven't been slighted in any way.  I have three hypotheses to why I'm feeling the way I am.

1.  The presence of the school is weighing down on me.
- My academic performance has been consistently disappointing throughout my college career.  I've been consistently getting a B+ average and that just isn't med school worthy.  No matter how much harder I work each semester, nothing changes.  I try harder each semester, but the results remain the same.  Perhaps sub-consciously I just don't want to try anymore.  Or perhaps it's that going to class day-to-day is a constant reminder of my past failures.  Who knows.

2.  Long distance
-  I really hate being away from Kim.  I've never been in a long distance relationship before, and having the person who I care about the most in world so far away is really taxing.  "So far away" may seem like an exaggeration but there really is no difference between 150 miles and 7000 miles when neither person can see the other.  She may as well be on the moon.

3.  Thyroxine deficiency
- this is probably the most likely of my three hypotheses.  The symptoms I described above are all correlated to a deficiency in T4/T3 deficiencies.  As my thyroid is out, I can't produce the hormone at all, forcing me to take a pill orally every morning.  I have been taking the pill consistently and correctly throughout, so it isn't that.  The only other variable is the type of pill itself and the dose.  As I doubt the pharmacist at Walgreens would switch my meds (and even if he did, I would've died by now), it has to be the dose.  I guess it will depend on what my blood tests say later on in the months.

I will have to monitor my symptoms more closely in the following days.

Another thing that I've noticed over the past few months is that my new found confidence has turned into cockiness.  The way I interact with other people seems so different than what I remember, and the way other people interact with me seems different too.  I didn't understand what was going on until probably an hour ago.  I don't know what exactly I do different, but I definitely know something is off.  I could easily avoid blaming myself; but when you feel that your relationships with everyone has shifted for the worst there is obviously something wrong with you.

People say the first step is to admit that you have a problem.


No one really says what step two is.... so I'm just going to wing it...

I guess the best and fastest course of action is to throw everything off and clean the slate.  No more cockiness, but also, no more confidence.  Odds are, if I'm doing it right, I'll be more secluded and more quiet and then I can build up from it.  Odds are, Kim is not going to like this version of me; hell, I don't like this version of me, but I don't like this cocky, self-centered version of me more, he needs to die and die now.

I let the idea of realizing that I had unlimited potential (not tooting my horn, everyone has unlimited potential, just most people don't realize it) go straight to my head.  I probably also let the idea of having a girlfriend go to my head too... After getting into three relationships, I have realized that I get this super cocky mindset whenever I'm in one.... hm.. something else to work on this summer too, I suppose.


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