Thursday, August 12, 2010

*Whew*... Alright.

**WARNING** I'm halfway through my post, and I'm noticing that grammatical errors are becoming plentiful. I'm way too liberal with my use of parentheses, I know that and I will fix that problem in future posts, right now, I need to get my thoughts down. I'm also realizing that I'm toning the story waay down by leaving out a lot of details...

I was originally going to try and do a video post type of thing (was actually really excited to do so) to update you guys on what has been going on, but after a long, fruitless talk with my mom about my brother and their yelling and-- ugh, let me elaborate.

It's been a rough week for me. Well, if you actually put it on paper it's been a rough life (ask anyone who knows), but I'm just going to stick with the week here.

Before we begin, here's a little tidbit about myself: I do not live in a happy household. I have a deadbeat father who's more like a physically and mentally abusive parasite than anything, a loose-cannon of a brother who hates said parasite for reasons which I will explain later and takes it out on my mom, who, feels like she can fix all the trouble by yelling at everyone about everything wrong (Yeah, I know, how is that not working?). Don't get me wrong, I have my problems to add too, but I think I'd be biased in my word choice, so I'll leave it at that.

The bad week started on Saturday night, around 9PM. My brother just picked up my mom from work and apparently they had one of their arguments on the way home. This was nothing new. They argue about the same shit everytime, my dad stealing about $4,000 from my brother, threatening his girlfriend (Yup, that's ol' pops for ya), and my brother wanting to kick him out of the house. Normally, they argue for about 30 minutes, stop talking to each other but stay angry, go to bed, then reset the next day. This time, it was different. They argued for about two hours, then for some reason my mom brought my dad into the mix so he and my brother could grind the situation out (because my dad still denies he did anything/anything wrong). My mom claims she thought they would talk it out like civilized people (she is not a smart one....), INSTEAD what they do is get into a screaming match. Note that I was doing what I always did in these situations: stay in my room and not give a shit because it didn't have anything to do with me (technically it did, because my dad stole about $2,500 from me first, but he's been so abusive to me over the years I kinda just shrugged it off as another one of those "Yup, you got a shitty dad" events).

When the screaming match almost turned into a full-out brawl, I quickly lept out of my chair, ran outside my room, and forcefully separated my brother and my father (thank the Gods I worked out this summer.... my money would've been on my brother though, cigarettes and deceit have made my father frail). I think that it was at this point that my normal run-of-the-mill dysfunctional family became a broken home. I had to separate my bickering brother and parents, and force them to talk their problems out like adults (apparently, I'm the only one around...) and keep them on track with their arguments. Right then, I realized that, I, the youngest person in the "family", was the most mature and rational person out of a 22 year old and two 50 somethin's...Really?

Because, contrary to popular belief, a problem does not fix itself, this entire week I've been talking to my mom and brother (I find it pointless to talk to my dad because I'm fairly sure I'd end up punching him in the throat) trying to get them to grow up and make amends. Even so, nothing has changed. My brother won't talk to my mom or dad, my dad is.. well, he's exactly the same, and I think my mom is literally one "Fuck you" away from disowning my brother entirely. Just before I started writing this, I had to endure a yelling session about how my brother is a shitty son because he didn't say "Hi" to my mom when he PICKED HER UP FROM WORK OUT OF LOVE. Through this, I've verified my hypothesis on why nothing has changed: no one is listening to me. The only reason I'm able to write this right now is because I found out that these people literally tune me out when I try to reason with them. Tonight, I was trying to make a point to my mom, asked her to verify the logic, and all I got was "What did you say?" from my mom while she stared at a bowl of grapes. It was at that point that I have officially given up on trying to save this family. I reprimanded (well, yelled at) my mom for not listening, promptly closed my door, locked it, and started writing this; otherwise, I'd still be trying to reason with her. I'm so ashamed that things turned out this way. I can barely even look at my family...

I've always said that people never truly change until they've hit rock bottom. If this wasn't it for them, I can't even begin to imagine what is. I'm moving back to Urbana in about 4 days, and on that fourth day, I'm going to leave all of this behind me. It's a dick move, yes, I know. Should I give up on my family? No, but I'm literally out of moves here. They're all too stubborn to apologize or change their ways. You can't help someone if they don't want to be helped, and obviously, they don't want my help, or at least, they won't accept it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family (well, two of them anyways) and will do anything for them (two of them, anyways).

I'd like to thank my friends Kim and Colin for giving me support throughout this rough patch. It really helped me get over my initial wave of sadness. I love you guys, thank you so much.


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