Thank You.

I actually wanted to post this on actual Thanksgiving Day, but couldn't because that day was one of "those" days; and I literally couldn't think of anything meaningful to say because my mind was clouded with so much regret and negativity. Today though, different story. So let's go.

This post is mainly just to put my appreciation for my best friends into words. Something that a lot of people don't do nowadays. I am a fervent believer that you should always treat your friends with the utmost appreciation and kindness; especially if they mean something to you. It's something I learned the hard way, but if you love someone, you should let them know. Really, you don't even need to use words to tell them; really, the best way is to show your care for them.

Everyone on this list, I care about you deeply. This isn't just for Thanksgiving, either.

I thank the Gods everyday for blessing me with your presence.

Henry Guan:

First and foremost, I would like to say that you are the only man I've ever loved; real talk. You're the person I've shared so many fun memories with. I remember the times back in Homework Help when we played card games after doing homework, going to Jun's house to play DDR (and you guys made poked fun at me for liking Julie back then xD), playing tennis way back when at McGuane with Wing and Justin, coming over to my house with Jun to play SSX Tricky (Jun fall down... funny), playing basketball in the middle of winter to the point where I couldn't speak straight anymore because of the cold, you teaching me how to ride a bike while learning the Sorry Sorry dance, doing the Sorry Sorry dance together at my house, all those talks 'til 4AM we've had, watching Samurai Champloo together, and tonight, where we slapped each other silly playing the ABC game at Saint's Alp. I could go on for weeks just listing all the other memories we've made over the years.

I don't know where I would be without you in my life; but I'm damn sure that I wouldn't be half the man I am today without you. I've always admired and respected your true sense of morality and how you always are able to do whatever the fuck you wanted without caring what other people thought. Throughout the years, you've always had my back, and I truly believe that you always will.... hahaha... you just IMed me telling me you decided not to shower and screaming out "WOOO!!!"... it's shit like that why I'm so proud to call you my best friend. You're amazingly unique, unbelieveably hilarious, and one of the best and strongest supports I've had in my life. We are so different in our personalities... but our souls couldn't be any more identical.

It's been a rough year for both of us, as you know, but we're gonna get through it. We keep each other strong and we're going to be happy soon. I know it.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, brother.

(I had so much trouble picking a picture, but this one for some reason, made me the happiest xD)

Kim Mok:

It's so strange that I've only known you for about 2 years now... yet... I love you just as much as I do Henry. I really don't know what to call our relationship; "close friend" isn't good enough, and "sister" definitely doesn't fit either, you are definitely my best girl friend, but to me it doesn't do it justice... One day I'll find the perfect way to describe it, but for now I'm just going to enjoy your company.

I still remember meeting you at my second practice of NightLife '09. I literally saw you and was totally smitten hahahaha. I friended you on facebook and mentioned you in a comment about your shoes (which I thought were so awesome) because I was too much of a pussy at the time to actually post something meaningful on your wall. You're literally the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, much less get this close to; even though you would never admit it haha...

Since then, we've shared so many experiences together. We've choreographed a piece together (something I haven't done with anyone else), we've broken bread countless times, cooked for friends and each other, had ab competitions with each other, had so many deep talks and shared so many stories with each other, shed tears together, and have kept each other strong for as long as we've known each other. heh, I still remember the time I pissed you off last year... hoo.. that was one of the longest nights of my life; wondering what I had done to our friendship.

Without you, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead right now. Thank you so much for giving me something to live for.

We're still going places, and to me, it doesn't matter where the hell we end up, because we'll still be there for each other. Love you, babe. Thank you for being there when I need it the most.

You mean the world to me, and I hope you know that.

(Man.. we are beautiful)

Alexander Yuwataepakorn Susanto:

Dude, I don't even know where to begin... I guess just to say that I am the man I am today because of you. You taught me what confidence was. You brought me into the world of dance. You also played a huge part in saving my life... on more than one occasion, I'm ashamed to say. You were my first real role model, and you still kind of are, even though a part of me doesn't want to admit that I need to look up to you (because it shows that I'm not strong enough).

We had some low times, but really, I don't care about those anymore. There's been too many good memories to even let the bad ones tarnish our relationship. The time I spent with you in NYC and BDC turned into some of the best memories and experiences I've ever had. Even that drive around New Jersey after that Applebee's experience where I got paid to eat food was so fun to me. Just talking about our pasts, girls, and relationships.

The day I came home for some break (I don't remember which one specifically) and my brother told me that I seemed more confident, I knew deep down that it was because of you. You were the catalyst that started my growth, and without you, I'd probably still be a loser kid that gamed all day and didn't have the confidence to look at a girl in the eyes.

So thank you. For everything.

(hahaha, I just remembered the times we tried to "thousand years of pain" each other.. miss ya bro.)

Marz Rivera:

It's almost been a decade since we've met. I still remember those ackie days when we'd go to computer info tech together and work on projects.. hahaha.. and that time that dude took a picture of us because of Felix's bigass bookbag.

You were there for me freshman year when all my other "friends" were talkin' hella shit about me. Though we've never really had many deep talks, and even though I don't really know as much as I would like to know about you, know that I got your back no matter what the situation because I know you got mine.

Real talk, you're one of the reasons why I work so hard in dance and in 2XS. For some reason I feel like I gotta keep my skills up so I'll never disappoint you. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come these past years, and I wish you the best.

Thank you for the loyalty and everything else, bro.

(I was worried I didn't have a picture of just us that looked good. Boy was I wrong)

Venus Liang:

You're amazing, you know that? Back when I met you during BizCaz practice, I would've never thought how important you would become to me; nor how important I would apparently become to you.

I think out of everyone on this list, I've had the most deep, spiritual, and philosophical discussions with you. Like that time we just sat in... someone's car until 4 or 5AM just talking about our lives and talking about relationships and guys and girls... and seeing a raccoon (god damn that nig was huge). You're one of the few people I can actually open up completely to, and that's saying a lot.

You called me your role model once, which surprised the hell outta me but made me hella happy; and since then, it's given me the motivation to try my hardest at everything to keep up with what I believe are equal to your standards. I promise I'll work to the point where I actually feel like I'm worthy to be your role model, and I'll try my hardest to not fall.

You have the amazing innate ability to make me smile, no matter what the situation is. I'm so proud of all you've accomplished, and I hope to make you proud one day as well.

Thanks for always brightening up my days, boo. :)

(Real talk, I felt awkward during this pic because I was touching your bare back)

Don Mach:

Really, I still have no idea why you took a shine to me, though I'm so glad you did. You took me under your wing and trained me, for no reason at all. Through dance, you've taught me so much about life and perseverance. You're probably one of the main reasons I work so hard in 2XS (which you helped me get into in the first place) is because of you. I want to one day get on your level and make you proud.

We've shared drinks (I'm still convinced you poured more than one shot of kraken into my rum and coke...), cooked pizza together with the P.I. fam which you helped create, and talked for hours about philosophy and happiness. Things I take to heart.

Thank you for constantly looking after me, really, you are a big brother to me.

(dude, we need a better fucking photo)

Robin Jun:

You probably didn't think you'd end up on this list, did you? Well, regardless of where we may stand now, I still thank the Gods every day for the opportunity to have met you, to have kissed you, and to have loved you.

While I've said so many times that I regret how things turned out between us, I never once regretted going through the journey with you. Through our experiences, I've grown more than I ever have before. You were the first girl I ever loved, and definitely the first girl I spent basically everyday with for basically a year. Never have I had such a desire to get to know someone before, though you never made it easy for me to do so, hahaha.

We've had so many experiences with each other, and while not all of them were good, every single one of them changed me in some way; I like to think for the better.

At the moment, I'm thinking about all those times we had... Our first lunch at Panera with Christine, XiXi, and Simon during runthroughs, the day I gave you the "doorknob to my heart", going to the mall with Kim and getting into the photo...box thing, '10 formal with that stunning dress, that day (night for you) we chatted online while I was halfway around the world in China, the day I asked you out and you shot me down, the day I asked you out again and you shot me down though we still ended up together (I had a huge smile on my face I could not get rid of), that snowy night we went to bombay and chilled in your room watching how I met your mother, the emotionally unstable night before we broke up, Fashion Show '10-'11 and the night after (Hooo, that was crazy...), the day we broke up for the first time, that spring break where I was a complete asshat, the summer nights when we'd stay up 'til 5AM just chatting about nothing on skype, the day you came back and we got back together, Mark's party, going swimming, the second time we broke up, all the workshops we've been to and all the dancing we've done together.... and well, now.

I cherish all those memories and more. You're one of the most unique girls I've ever met. You're an amazing dancer with so much potential; honestly, I'm jealous sometimes. You're still somewhat closed off from people, and I hope one day you find someone you can open up to; even though that person will never be me.

While I've been a complete dick to you the past month or so because I was upset with you, I would like you to know that I do still care for you. Even though we can't be friends anymore, I still care. I appreciate you and everything that you've done for me, and I wish you the best of the best. Wherever you may end up.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for being my first (and, I guess, second) girlfriend

Thank you for the first kiss (though you kinda missed)

Thank you for teaching me (inadvertently) how to be a good boyfriend

Thank you for the memories I'll always have

Thank you for changing me for the better.

I'll never forget.

Everyone else:

Don't think I forgot about you guys either. ;)

Though we may not be as close as I am with those above, I still appreciate every single one of you. Hell, I'd type out a thank you for all of you guys, but sadly, I just don't have enough time, patience, or mental fortitude to do all of that.

I hope one day we can become close friends, but until then...

Thank you.

P.S.

Dr. James Nachman:

You died on June 10, 2011. A day I will never forget.

Thank you for saving my life 7 years ago. I owe you everything.

My life's work is just to make you proud.

See you soon.

Relationships.

More and more I hear about drama in the relationships around me.

Anyone who's followed this blog knows that this is a big part of what I like to talk about, and really, a big part of my life. I've "recently" gone through heartbreak, and while everything is fine, the experience changed my life forever. How can something so intangible as love for another person alter a person so much?

Let's start with the basics.

**Note - the next few paragraphs are just speculation from what I've learned, I'm no expert on love or anything, this is just my opinion**

95% of women--no, 95% of any given person (mentally/personality wise), is the same as any other. It's that 5% that makes you different.

It's that 5% which makes no relationship similar to any other. Rather, that's what makes no one person similar to any other. Just as all snowflakes are different, yet they are all made up of water; just as we are all different, but are all just flesh and bone.

Now in that 5% is all the nuances of your personality that make you who you are. Your likes, dislikes, temperament, what you're attracted to, etc. For those of you trying to chase that perfect guy/girl, this 5% can either be heaven or hell for you. It can make and break your relationship.

It's that 5% that causes all the drama. There's no two people on the world that fit perfectly together, and there's bound to be disagreements or something that one person doesn't like about the other and that's when arguments can start, resentment, and scorn. When that happens, wave the white flag and say "gg" ("good game" for those of you who don't game all the time and have self respect *cough*) cause you've just lost. Personalities always clash at one point or another, it's just whether you care enough to listen and see what your significant other means to you. Otherwise, one will take the other for granted, leaving both parties angry, sad, and eventually hurt.

So why do we do this?

Why do we get into relationships even though it's probably a less than 1% chance something amazing will happen?

Why do we get into relationships even though we get hurt in the worst way?

It doesn't make sense does it? I mean, you don't put your hand over a fire again and again, hoping for a different outcome, right?

So why do we do this?

Here's my take:

Humans are social creatures, and I feel like a real relationship is the ultimate connection with another being.

To be love and be loved in an intimate way is the most personal you can get with someone. It's an amazing, indescribable feeling. When it's done right and you're attuned to your significant other, even for a second, I think that there's no better happiness.

That's why we try and try again. Once you've had a taste of the "forbidden fruit" (no, I don't mean sex) you really can't live without it.

It's so we can find that person we can completely break down our walls and become completely vulnerable; because we know our other will be there. I think everyone just wants that feeling. To finally be able to let your guard down.

Well that's my take, if you don't mind sharing yours, I'd be glad to listen. :]

Meaning of Perfection Pt. 2

I'm done studying for the night, but I wanted to write a little somethin' somethin' before I turned in.

I will admit my journey towards perfection has slowed down a bit. Especially this weekend.

Academically, I slipped up some because I've just lost focus especially now, cramming studying for my physics exam tomorrow and my MCB lab exam on Tuesday, I still can't seem to focus on studying. Physical-wise, I'm not doing too bad. I've dropped 10lbs in some of my workouts, but can now run a mile and some without much problem. Dancing has stopped a bit because of school and finals week coming up. Hopefully I can get back on track by tomorrow.

Alright let's pick up where I left off.

I want to first address the situation with the cancer. I am not better. Like I said in my previous post, the pain never fades; and it doesn't. This is something I have to live with, and times do get hard sometimes; and that day was one of those times. We have to live with what has happened to us. I can't change the fact that I've had cancer, I can only work with it. That's part of the reason I need to become my vision of perfect. I need to make myself as a person so amazing, so the cancer is the last thing that anyone thinks of. It's so that I can believe that I didn't deserve it, that I've risen above it.

As for relationships. Well, I think I'm actually over Robin now. I think the reason why I was so attached to her was that without her, things didn't feel normal. After hanging out with her everyday for months, having a void in my life where she used to be seemed wrong; and I guess I wanted to fix that the easy way (figuratively easy) by trying to get her back. We have a lot of things in common, but a lot of those things are quite superficial. The things that really matter, we probably could not be further apart. The things we want in life are completely different, and you can't make a lasting relationship out of that. While we were together, we had a lot of happy times, but there were a lot more sad ones, and relationships shouldn't be rollercoasting like the way ours did. Not to say I regret it; not at all, I actually got a lot out of the relationship and out of the break-up, like my first kiss, learning what women really want (most of the time, because women never really know what they want), a new way to tie my headphones, appreciation of Korean food and culture, learning more about what I want in a girlfriend, the drive to better myself, etc. I actually learned a lot about this from the Wong Fu video "Strangers, Again" (amazing video). The sad thing about all this is, Robin is slowly becoming a stranger to me again. As each day passes, I have less and less energy to put forth all the effort of salvaging our friendship, and sooner or later, sad to say our lives will end up being separated.

As for other girls. I don't really have time for that at the moment. I'm already struggling to keep my academic, emotional, and physical status at a certain level. I don't have the time or energy to build someone else up too. again, not to say that I wouldn't get into a relationship, if the opportunity arises, I will take it. But, then again, I'm not really looking for opportunities now am I?

It just seems at this point in my life, it's not practical to get a girlfriend. It's just like in high school. You'll have a sweetheart that you'll think will be with you forever, but you graduate and move to different colleges. It's the same in college, except, there is even less of a chance you two will end up in the same area. Who knows which med school will take me in, if any. I don't want to get into a relationship just to inevitably break it off in two years.

There are probably some of you who are thinking "Man, why are you thinking about the future like that? Just enjoy your life now you don't know what will happen". I'll say that I can see your point, but I kinda disagree. True, I don't know what will happen, but I do understand the concept of probability; and there is a high ass mother f*cking chance that I'd have to break up with the girl if I ended up going to another state for school. I do not believe in long distance relationship for the sole reason that I'm a paranoid PoS, and my mind is going to be riddled with questions about who's dicking my girlfriend. Not worth it.

I think I have more to say on the subject, but I'm about ready to pass out.

watch the video. It's very eye-opening.

The Meaning of Perfection.

It appears I've stumbled upon a little bit of break time in between my studies so I'm going to kick back and blog about something that's come to me in the past day.

I mentioned in my last post that I met a man named Calvin Sun at the Midwest Asian American Student Union Spring Conference. I've actually been keeping in touch with him through e-mail and I've been trying to claw out every bit of information I could get about med school and just how to optimize my life like he has. His responses have been quite casual (not that I was looking for more) and simple, but what they've inspired me to do is to make my life into my vision of perfect. I've got a lot of flaws in my life (yeah, I know I've said that before, still remains true) and I really have to buckle down and work on them (yeah, I know I've said that before too, shut up) and one really simple thing that Calvin said to me, I think, will help me accomplish it. I asked him how he has the time for med school and all his extra currics, and he told me: "Leave no room for procrastination." and that really hit me. I thought to myself "Why do I procrastinate? I mean, everything I procrastinate on has to get done anyway so why the hell shouldn't I do it now?". That thought kinda just spiraled to "If you don't like how your life is now, what the fuck are you waiting for? Change it NOW".

I know a lot of people say "Why do you want perfection? Your flaws make you who you are!". I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree. Your personality is what makes you; your flaws are what's wrong with you. That's the definition of a flaw. Not to say that my goal is to rid myself of every flaw I have; I am a realist after all, and I know that is well beyond impossible. My vision of perfection is just to make my life the best that it can be in physical, social, academic, and artistic aspects.

I was creepin' looking into Calvin's accomplishments and I was absolutely blown away with how long the list was. One of his accomplishments that really blew my mind (besides being president of like 14 different organizations) was that on his first year of med school, he already became the vice president of his class. That brings me to road to improvement factor number 1: be more outgoing. One thing Calvin suggested I do was to find extracurriculars that fit my passion, and if you follow my blog (according to the stats page, a couple of you from Russia do.... o.o;) you know that I'm really passionate about dance. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue Project Illegal as a director on my senior year. It's going to be a year long training workshop for those who want to broaden their dance repertoire, improve their dance skills, or just start dancing. One of the goals I have is to find and befriend dancers from various backgrounds and see if I can get them to help me with some dance workshops. At the moment I have no idea how I will do it, but that's part of the challenge right? I've also decided that I will join a pre-med fraternity like I was supposed to do my freshman year; which one I'll join is TBD, probably Phi Delta Epsilon. Who knows.

As for physical perfection, I'm going to up my gym frequency to everyday instead of only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. There really wasn't any reason for me not going everyday besides me being lazy. Wednesdays, as I have class at 8AM, I'll only be running. Otherwise, I will be doing my optimal workout along with running and/or abs every other day. To not die, I'll start sleeping earlier so I get my now mandatory 7+ hours of sleep.

Currently I am not in a good physical condition. I have too much fat in my upper body (chest and stomach) but I have chicken legs (not to mention my huge ass head). SO, goals for physical perfection include increasing muscle mass but not necessarily density (at this point) in my legs and arms and large amounts of cardio to burn the fat out of my moobs (man boobs) and spare tire. First will be fixed by doing squats; for those of you who don't know, squats are actually the best kind of workout exercise to do because your quads are the biggest group of muscles in your body, so if you work them out, your metabolism will skyrocket in no time. Also, because you have to use your entire body for squats, you're burning mad calories while you're doing them. As for cardio, I'm going to start actually running instead of using the elliptical machine. I've heard that the best kind of cardio is the one that you enjoy doing the most; well, the truth is I hate cardio, so really, I'm just going to use the most effective form which, in my opinion, is running. Plus that gives me an excuse to use my vibram five finger shoes, which may fix my flat feet. Two birds, one sweaty stone. I'm also going to pick up tennis again. I just thought I'd throw that in there.

I actually have more to say, but I'll leave it at this for now as I need to go to bed so I can run tomorrow and still be functional.

No.

I refuse to die now.

Do you hear me?

I refuse to die.

I have way too much to accomplish.

So bring the pain.

Bring the poisons.

Bring the scars.

I'll transcend it all.

Break the restraints you've held me under for 7 years.

Watch me do it.

Faith

Maybe it's something we all need a bit of.

half a month.

Time to start another challenge.

Day 15: The Outside

1. I rode in a bus filled with hoochies today. It was not as nice as the rappers make it out to be.

2. I am currently rooming with my best friend, Henry Guan.

3. I should be choreographing right now, instead I am eating raisins.

4. I don't know whether I want to buy a fedora or not. I definitely think I think I will.

5. I do a lot of harmless flirting. I don't know why.

6. I know three languages.

7. My favorite t.v. show is How I Met Your Mother. It used to be Scrubs.

8. One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump.

9. I really like wearing flannel shirts when I'm dancing.

10. I really like lounging around in a wifebeater and baggy sweats. It's the most comfortable thing ever.

11. I really can't wait for the weekend because I get to play tennis again!!! :D

12. I'm the coordinator for this year's AAA Fashion show. It's been fun/unbearable :D

13. I wholeheartedly believe that dancers are the best people in the world.

14. I like ab workouts. I think they're fun

15. I love to dance.