Relationships.

More and more I hear about drama in the relationships around me.

Anyone who's followed this blog knows that this is a big part of what I like to talk about, and really, a big part of my life. I've "recently" gone through heartbreak, and while everything is fine, the experience changed my life forever. How can something so intangible as love for another person alter a person so much?

Let's start with the basics.

**Note - the next few paragraphs are just speculation from what I've learned, I'm no expert on love or anything, this is just my opinion**

95% of women--no, 95% of any given person (mentally/personality wise), is the same as any other. It's that 5% that makes you different.

It's that 5% which makes no relationship similar to any other. Rather, that's what makes no one person similar to any other. Just as all snowflakes are different, yet they are all made up of water; just as we are all different, but are all just flesh and bone.

Now in that 5% is all the nuances of your personality that make you who you are. Your likes, dislikes, temperament, what you're attracted to, etc. For those of you trying to chase that perfect guy/girl, this 5% can either be heaven or hell for you. It can make and break your relationship.

It's that 5% that causes all the drama. There's no two people on the world that fit perfectly together, and there's bound to be disagreements or something that one person doesn't like about the other and that's when arguments can start, resentment, and scorn. When that happens, wave the white flag and say "gg" ("good game" for those of you who don't game all the time and have self respect *cough*) cause you've just lost. Personalities always clash at one point or another, it's just whether you care enough to listen and see what your significant other means to you. Otherwise, one will take the other for granted, leaving both parties angry, sad, and eventually hurt.

So why do we do this?

Why do we get into relationships even though it's probably a less than 1% chance something amazing will happen?

Why do we get into relationships even though we get hurt in the worst way?

It doesn't make sense does it? I mean, you don't put your hand over a fire again and again, hoping for a different outcome, right?

So why do we do this?

Here's my take:

Humans are social creatures, and I feel like a real relationship is the ultimate connection with another being.

To be love and be loved in an intimate way is the most personal you can get with someone. It's an amazing, indescribable feeling. When it's done right and you're attuned to your significant other, even for a second, I think that there's no better happiness.

That's why we try and try again. Once you've had a taste of the "forbidden fruit" (no, I don't mean sex) you really can't live without it.

It's so we can find that person we can completely break down our walls and become completely vulnerable; because we know our other will be there. I think everyone just wants that feeling. To finally be able to let your guard down.

Well that's my take, if you don't mind sharing yours, I'd be glad to listen. :]

Meaning of Perfection Pt. 2

I'm done studying for the night, but I wanted to write a little somethin' somethin' before I turned in.

I will admit my journey towards perfection has slowed down a bit. Especially this weekend.

Academically, I slipped up some because I've just lost focus especially now, cramming studying for my physics exam tomorrow and my MCB lab exam on Tuesday, I still can't seem to focus on studying. Physical-wise, I'm not doing too bad. I've dropped 10lbs in some of my workouts, but can now run a mile and some without much problem. Dancing has stopped a bit because of school and finals week coming up. Hopefully I can get back on track by tomorrow.

Alright let's pick up where I left off.

I want to first address the situation with the cancer. I am not better. Like I said in my previous post, the pain never fades; and it doesn't. This is something I have to live with, and times do get hard sometimes; and that day was one of those times. We have to live with what has happened to us. I can't change the fact that I've had cancer, I can only work with it. That's part of the reason I need to become my vision of perfect. I need to make myself as a person so amazing, so the cancer is the last thing that anyone thinks of. It's so that I can believe that I didn't deserve it, that I've risen above it.

As for relationships. Well, I think I'm actually over Robin now. I think the reason why I was so attached to her was that without her, things didn't feel normal. After hanging out with her everyday for months, having a void in my life where she used to be seemed wrong; and I guess I wanted to fix that the easy way (figuratively easy) by trying to get her back. We have a lot of things in common, but a lot of those things are quite superficial. The things that really matter, we probably could not be further apart. The things we want in life are completely different, and you can't make a lasting relationship out of that. While we were together, we had a lot of happy times, but there were a lot more sad ones, and relationships shouldn't be rollercoasting like the way ours did. Not to say I regret it; not at all, I actually got a lot out of the relationship and out of the break-up, like my first kiss, learning what women really want (most of the time, because women never really know what they want), a new way to tie my headphones, appreciation of Korean food and culture, learning more about what I want in a girlfriend, the drive to better myself, etc. I actually learned a lot about this from the Wong Fu video "Strangers, Again" (amazing video). The sad thing about all this is, Robin is slowly becoming a stranger to me again. As each day passes, I have less and less energy to put forth all the effort of salvaging our friendship, and sooner or later, sad to say our lives will end up being separated.

As for other girls. I don't really have time for that at the moment. I'm already struggling to keep my academic, emotional, and physical status at a certain level. I don't have the time or energy to build someone else up too. again, not to say that I wouldn't get into a relationship, if the opportunity arises, I will take it. But, then again, I'm not really looking for opportunities now am I?

It just seems at this point in my life, it's not practical to get a girlfriend. It's just like in high school. You'll have a sweetheart that you'll think will be with you forever, but you graduate and move to different colleges. It's the same in college, except, there is even less of a chance you two will end up in the same area. Who knows which med school will take me in, if any. I don't want to get into a relationship just to inevitably break it off in two years.

There are probably some of you who are thinking "Man, why are you thinking about the future like that? Just enjoy your life now you don't know what will happen". I'll say that I can see your point, but I kinda disagree. True, I don't know what will happen, but I do understand the concept of probability; and there is a high ass mother f*cking chance that I'd have to break up with the girl if I ended up going to another state for school. I do not believe in long distance relationship for the sole reason that I'm a paranoid PoS, and my mind is going to be riddled with questions about who's dicking my girlfriend. Not worth it.

I think I have more to say on the subject, but I'm about ready to pass out.

watch the video. It's very eye-opening.

The Meaning of Perfection.

It appears I've stumbled upon a little bit of break time in between my studies so I'm going to kick back and blog about something that's come to me in the past day.

I mentioned in my last post that I met a man named Calvin Sun at the Midwest Asian American Student Union Spring Conference. I've actually been keeping in touch with him through e-mail and I've been trying to claw out every bit of information I could get about med school and just how to optimize my life like he has. His responses have been quite casual (not that I was looking for more) and simple, but what they've inspired me to do is to make my life into my vision of perfect. I've got a lot of flaws in my life (yeah, I know I've said that before, still remains true) and I really have to buckle down and work on them (yeah, I know I've said that before too, shut up) and one really simple thing that Calvin said to me, I think, will help me accomplish it. I asked him how he has the time for med school and all his extra currics, and he told me: "Leave no room for procrastination." and that really hit me. I thought to myself "Why do I procrastinate? I mean, everything I procrastinate on has to get done anyway so why the hell shouldn't I do it now?". That thought kinda just spiraled to "If you don't like how your life is now, what the fuck are you waiting for? Change it NOW".

I know a lot of people say "Why do you want perfection? Your flaws make you who you are!". I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree. Your personality is what makes you; your flaws are what's wrong with you. That's the definition of a flaw. Not to say that my goal is to rid myself of every flaw I have; I am a realist after all, and I know that is well beyond impossible. My vision of perfection is just to make my life the best that it can be in physical, social, academic, and artistic aspects.

I was creepin' looking into Calvin's accomplishments and I was absolutely blown away with how long the list was. One of his accomplishments that really blew my mind (besides being president of like 14 different organizations) was that on his first year of med school, he already became the vice president of his class. That brings me to road to improvement factor number 1: be more outgoing. One thing Calvin suggested I do was to find extracurriculars that fit my passion, and if you follow my blog (according to the stats page, a couple of you from Russia do.... o.o;) you know that I'm really passionate about dance. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue Project Illegal as a director on my senior year. It's going to be a year long training workshop for those who want to broaden their dance repertoire, improve their dance skills, or just start dancing. One of the goals I have is to find and befriend dancers from various backgrounds and see if I can get them to help me with some dance workshops. At the moment I have no idea how I will do it, but that's part of the challenge right? I've also decided that I will join a pre-med fraternity like I was supposed to do my freshman year; which one I'll join is TBD, probably Phi Delta Epsilon. Who knows.

As for physical perfection, I'm going to up my gym frequency to everyday instead of only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. There really wasn't any reason for me not going everyday besides me being lazy. Wednesdays, as I have class at 8AM, I'll only be running. Otherwise, I will be doing my optimal workout along with running and/or abs every other day. To not die, I'll start sleeping earlier so I get my now mandatory 7+ hours of sleep.

Currently I am not in a good physical condition. I have too much fat in my upper body (chest and stomach) but I have chicken legs (not to mention my huge ass head). SO, goals for physical perfection include increasing muscle mass but not necessarily density (at this point) in my legs and arms and large amounts of cardio to burn the fat out of my moobs (man boobs) and spare tire. First will be fixed by doing squats; for those of you who don't know, squats are actually the best kind of workout exercise to do because your quads are the biggest group of muscles in your body, so if you work them out, your metabolism will skyrocket in no time. Also, because you have to use your entire body for squats, you're burning mad calories while you're doing them. As for cardio, I'm going to start actually running instead of using the elliptical machine. I've heard that the best kind of cardio is the one that you enjoy doing the most; well, the truth is I hate cardio, so really, I'm just going to use the most effective form which, in my opinion, is running. Plus that gives me an excuse to use my vibram five finger shoes, which may fix my flat feet. Two birds, one sweaty stone. I'm also going to pick up tennis again. I just thought I'd throw that in there.

I actually have more to say, but I'll leave it at this for now as I need to go to bed so I can run tomorrow and still be functional.

No.

I refuse to die now.

Do you hear me?

I refuse to die.

I have way too much to accomplish.

So bring the pain.

Bring the poisons.

Bring the scars.

I'll transcend it all.

Break the restraints you've held me under for 7 years.

Watch me do it.

Faith

Maybe it's something we all need a bit of.

half a month.

Time to start another challenge.

Day 15: The Outside

1. I rode in a bus filled with hoochies today. It was not as nice as the rappers make it out to be.

2. I am currently rooming with my best friend, Henry Guan.

3. I should be choreographing right now, instead I am eating raisins.

4. I don't know whether I want to buy a fedora or not. I definitely think I think I will.

5. I do a lot of harmless flirting. I don't know why.

6. I know three languages.

7. My favorite t.v. show is How I Met Your Mother. It used to be Scrubs.

8. One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump.

9. I really like wearing flannel shirts when I'm dancing.

10. I really like lounging around in a wifebeater and baggy sweats. It's the most comfortable thing ever.

11. I really can't wait for the weekend because I get to play tennis again!!! :D

12. I'm the coordinator for this year's AAA Fashion show. It's been fun/unbearable :D

13. I wholeheartedly believe that dancers are the best people in the world.

14. I like ab workouts. I think they're fun

15. I love to dance.

Scream.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Are you done spitting in my face yet?