Day (Let's just call it) 9: Let's try something new.

Hmm. I think I should try something new.

I think I've hit somewhat of a plateau with my workouts.  I think I'm going to start trying to add more cardio to my regiment and take away some of my lifting.

Today I ellipticalled for about 36 minutes for about 3 and a half miles-ish.

Hopefully this helps me cut down and trim up.

I really hope that my thyroxine levels are high enough, otherwise I'm wasting a shit ton of time doing exercises that won't help me as much as it should.

P.S.

Sorry about not posting.  Been busy with Midterms and stuff.

Day Eight: Slippery Slope

Weight: Didn't check
Muscle Definition: Same
Food Intake:
Approximate Caloric Intake: 0
**Note** no appetite.

Workout: Abs and Legs
6x Set 10x Rep Weighted Squat @ 140lbs
5x Set 20x Rep Decline Sit Up @ 0,5,10,15,20 degrees decline
3x Set 8x Rep Dual Captains Chair
3x Set 20x Rep Wide Torso Rotation @ 65lbs
25x Rep Weighted Roman Twist @ 10lbs
3x Set 10x Rep Leg Extension @ 70lbs
1 mile elliptical @ lvl 7

Psych Eval:
Stress Level: High.


Today.... well.. Today sucked big nuts.  It was just bad news after bad news.  Got my hopes up about so many things... and got crushed on all of them.

Sigh...

Day Seven: Back on the Grind

Weight: 144.3 (hm... something is off...)
Muscle Definition: Starting to see the outline of my abs. Triceps have gotten bigger and  I can see them when I flex.
Food Intake:
2x Protein Bar
Turkey Pastrami Sandwich
2 Medium Tilapia Fish Fillets
2x servings of Roasted Eggplant
1.5x Servings Potato Chips
1/2 cup white rice
Approximate Caloric Intake: 1311 kcals
**Notes: Jesus, white rice is so bad for you.... damn my Chinese heritage...

Workout: Triceps, Chest, and Shoulders
3x Sets of 10x, 10x, 8x reps Flat Bench Press @ 100lbs.
3x Sets of 10x reps Wide-set Dips @ -25lbs
3x Sets of 10x reps Tricep Pull-Downs @ 37.5kg
3x Sets of 10x reps Deltoid Flys @ 15lbs each arm
3x Sets of 10x reps Back Flys @ 15lbs each arm
3x Sets of 10x, 6x, 3x reps Dumbell Military Press @ 20lbs each arm
3x Sets of 10x/both and 10x/each arm Weighted Shoulder Raises @ 45lbs each arm
1 mile on the Elliptical @ level 7


Psych Eval:
Stress Level: Medium

Feel basically the same as yesterday, but I had class and the gym to distract me.  I've started to study harder than before now that my classes are starting to pick up the pace; hopefully that pays off.  It does make me feel more accomplished, which is nice.  I've also decided that I'm going to try and avoid everyone on my birthday... except for Vince, as I have class with him... hm.  Ah well.

Even though it is the most important "21st Birthday", it really means nothing to me.  There are no casinos around to gamble in, I have no desire to drink alcohol (... even though I've never tried it before... for all your police officers out there...*cough cough*). Besides, I have an exam next week I need to study hard for if I want to spend all my time with Kim over the weekend.

The 21st birthday is highly over rated to me.  Been there, done that ('cept for drinking... for you police officers out there... yep... never tasted alcohol)

Days Four-Six.

Obviously, I've been slacking a little in the blogging department.  I find it very hard to make a blog post about my days and about my working out if nothing really special happens.  Not to say I was ever strict on myself about blogging consistently everyday; but when you do something like this, it's somewhat expected I guess.  Meh.

Day Four: Solitude.

Weight: 144.9lbs
- Not sure if I should attribute this to scale error, or me gaining muscle and/or adipose weight.
Muscle Definition: None
Food Intake: 
3x Protein Bar
Leftover Macaroni
Chicken Wings
Turkey-Pastrami and Ham Sandwich
Approx Caloric Intake: 1537 kcal (probably gross overestimation due to protein bars)

Workout: Biceps and Back (Re-do)
3x set 10rep/set dumb bell deltoid flys @ 15lbs each arm
1x set 10 rep per arm lawnmowers (Not sure what the actual name is but it looks like you're starting a lawn mower) @ 42.5lbs
3x set 10rep/set machine-weighted back rows @ 37.5kg
3x set 10rep/set machine-weighted Latissimus Dorsi Pull Down @ 42.5kg (mid-range)
3x set 10rep/set Upright Rows @ 50lbs
3x set 10rep/set Deadlift @ 80lbs
3x set 10rep/set-each arm endurance bicep curls @ 20lbs each arm
1 mile on the Elliptical


Day Five: Breaking Rules


Weight: Didn't check. Oops.
Muscle Definition: I can start seeing my back muscles again.   Gives me some hope.  Gynecomastia symptoms are lessening.  Thank God it's working.
Food Intake:
2x servings Leftover macaroni
Tortilla Chips and Salsa
Mexican Food (Guadalajara Special @ Dos Reales)
Approximate Caloric Intake: 2000+ calories...

Workout: Abs and Legs
**Notes** If you haven't noticed, Abs and legs are going to be interspersed in between all other days.
5x sets of 20x decline sit-ups @ 0, 5, 10, 20, and 25 degree declines
3x sets of 10x dual captain's chairs
50x reps of weighted roman twists @ 25lbs
5x set s of 10x weighted squats @ 130lbs
2 miles on elliptical

Day Six: Rest and Reflection.


Weight: No scale
Muscle Definition: None new.
Food Intake:
1 serving Fruit Loops with 2% Milk
1 serving Leftover Macaroni and Cheese (It's finally gone)
Turkey-Pastrami Sandwich
1 serving Potato Chips
Roasted Eggplant
1/2 cup Cooked White Rice
Approximate Caloric intake: 1030


Psych Eval:
Stress level: Medium

I don't know what's going on.  But something is starting to take a toll on me.  I'm starting to become more lethargic, irritable, non-focused, and more so in a constant less-than-content mood.  It's similar to the symptoms of my depression during first semester my junior year; but definitely no where near as severe.  There's just a heaviness in my heart (quite literally actually.... maybe it's cholesterol..)The thing is, I'm not sure what is causing this; relationship is great (cept for the long distance portion), friends haven't done anything to piss me off, I haven't been slighted in any way.  I have three hypotheses to why I'm feeling the way I am.

1.  The presence of the school is weighing down on me.
- My academic performance has been consistently disappointing throughout my college career.  I've been consistently getting a B+ average and that just isn't med school worthy.  No matter how much harder I work each semester, nothing changes.  I try harder each semester, but the results remain the same.  Perhaps sub-consciously I just don't want to try anymore.  Or perhaps it's that going to class day-to-day is a constant reminder of my past failures.  Who knows.

2.  Long distance
-  I really hate being away from Kim.  I've never been in a long distance relationship before, and having the person who I care about the most in world so far away is really taxing.  "So far away" may seem like an exaggeration but there really is no difference between 150 miles and 7000 miles when neither person can see the other.  She may as well be on the moon.

3.  Thyroxine deficiency
- this is probably the most likely of my three hypotheses.  The symptoms I described above are all correlated to a deficiency in T4/T3 deficiencies.  As my thyroid is out, I can't produce the hormone at all, forcing me to take a pill orally every morning.  I have been taking the pill consistently and correctly throughout, so it isn't that.  The only other variable is the type of pill itself and the dose.  As I doubt the pharmacist at Walgreens would switch my meds (and even if he did, I would've died by now), it has to be the dose.  I guess it will depend on what my blood tests say later on in the months.

I will have to monitor my symptoms more closely in the following days.

Another thing that I've noticed over the past few months is that my new found confidence has turned into cockiness.  The way I interact with other people seems so different than what I remember, and the way other people interact with me seems different too.  I didn't understand what was going on until probably an hour ago.  I don't know what exactly I do different, but I definitely know something is off.  I could easily avoid blaming myself; but when you feel that your relationships with everyone has shifted for the worst there is obviously something wrong with you.


People say the first step is to admit that you have a problem.

Check.

No one really says what step two is.... so I'm just going to wing it...

I guess the best and fastest course of action is to throw everything off and clean the slate.  No more cockiness, but also, no more confidence.  Odds are, if I'm doing it right, I'll be more secluded and more quiet and then I can build up from it.  Odds are, Kim is not going to like this version of me; hell, I don't like this version of me, but I don't like this cocky, self-centered version of me more, he needs to die and die now.

I let the idea of realizing that I had unlimited potential (not tooting my horn, everyone has unlimited potential, just most people don't realize it) go straight to my head.  I probably also let the idea of having a girlfriend go to my head too... After getting into three relationships, I have realized that I get this super cocky mindset whenever I'm in one.... hm.. something else to work on this summer too, I suppose.

Day Three: Catching Up

Weight: 144.4 w/ Cargo shorts
Muscle Definition: None
Food Intake:
2 cups cooked Fried Rice
1/2 serving Orange Chicken
Leftover macaroni
1 serving potato chips
1 cup white rice (cooked)
Leftover pork
Approx Calories: 1687

Workout
3x sets 10x rep wide-arm pull up.
3x sets 10x rep wide-arm dips.

Psych Eval:
Stress Level: Low

Wasn't too bored today as I had stuff to do for most of the day.  Still miss Kim a lot but I'm starting to get used to being alone for the most part.  I don't mind the self sufficiency, but there is a lot to do.  Hoping I don't fall off my game.

Notes:


Today was a bad day for physical fitness.  Did my dips and my pull ups, then saw Josh at the gym.  We ended up catching up for about an hour, and by that time I had to go to class. Afterwards, while walking home, I met up with Ed and David, who I also haven't talked to for about 2 years; caught up with them for about and hour and went grocery shopping too.

Tomorrow is my first weekend here.  I'll probably actually do my bicep and shoulder workout as well as study for the rest of the day.  I'm also starting to believe that I will be studying all next week, even on my birthday.

It is just another day right?

Day Two: Muscle Failure.

Weight: 144.4lbs w/ cargo shorts. (and the weight loss hopefully begins)
Muscle Definition: It's been a day, so nothing really new.  My arms have a little definition but nothing to be proud about.
Food Intake:
Breakfast: Nonexistant
Lunch: 6-inch turkey and ham sandwich with all the vegetables subway could pile on.
Snack: 1 homemade protein bar.
Dinner: Baked macaroni in a bechamel sauce. Chicken Alfredo pasta. Blueberries. Watermelon. Grapes.
Approximate Caloric Intake: 1420 kcals.

Workout: Abs and Legs
Note: Pulled my hamstring muscle on my fourth set.  Didn't risk doing cardio.
Squats: 4 sets 10x reps each. 120lbs free weight.
Sit-ups: 40x reps
90s/45s: 10 reps
Flutter kicks: 90 reps
Bicycles: 50 reps
Roman Twists: 40 reps
Baby Kicks: 20 reps.
Torso Rotations: 3x sets 20 reps for each side (Left and Right) at 100lbs.
Swinging Captain's Chairs: 2x sets, 20x reps, 16x reps.

Psych Eval:

Stress: Lower side of Medium

It's very weird comparing the feelings I had during my winter break and my summer break here on campus.  Back then I was so pumped to stay over and dance and study.  I was so adamant with bettering myself.  For some reason now, I'm so lethargic and apathetic.  I can't seem to come up with anything to do during my spare time.  Even if I did I don't think I would feel like doing it...

Hopefully that changes soon.

I also hope that I don't pull another muscle tomorrow.  Adequate stretching is important people.  Never think otherwise.

Road to Redemption (Day One)

I am now back in school and starting summer session. During this time,  I've decided to get back in shape in these next two months as I have gym access.  Reading my friend's daily blog (not so daily, but I forgive him) has inspired me to blog about my "Road to Redemption".  Redemption because I was actually somewhat more fit during the beginning of Junior year.... then got into two relationships (one of which actually worked, which is nice) and got two subsequent relationship guts*.

*Relationship gut - the extra weight gained around the midsection when entering a new relationship.  Main causes are a lack of motivation to go to the gym (i.e. got the girl/guy so why work out?) or spending workout time canoodling with the new significant other.

So let's begin :)

Day One: Flabby Weaksauce formerly known as Jeffery Lei.

Weight: 144.5lbs including cargo shorts (the beige one with all the pockets?)
Muscle Definition: None to be found.  Flab over abs (it looks like slightly melted chocolate over nice abs... it's kinda gross..  Arms are not defined anymore.  Shoulders... not too bad... but much worse than before.  Cannot see flexed back muscles anymore.
Food Intake: 
Breakfast:  Nonexistent

Lunch: ham and cheese sandwich on wheat bread, one ripe mango.

Dinner: half a cup (uncooked) of white rice, leftovers consisting of 3 pieces of squid, 4 chunks of chinese bbq pork, 2 pieces of sweet and sour pork.  No vegetables in the fridge.
Dessert: Kim's Red Velvet Cupcake (so the frosting doesn't go bad, and... well.. it's delicious..) and a homemade protein bar.

Workout: Tris, Shoulders, Chest

Benching: 10x rep, 10x rep, 8x rep @ 100lbs

Shoulder raises: 3 sets of 10x double raises (both shoulders), and 10x single raises (single shoulders) @ 45lbs each arm.

Dumbbell Military Press: 10x rep, 8x rep, 4x rep @ 25lbs each arm.

Pec flys: 3 sets of 10x rep. @ 90lbs

Skull crushers: 2 sets of 10x rep @ 40lbs

Dips: one set of 10x rep. -40lbs. 

Elliptical: 1.8 miles over 17 minutes at level 7.

2 hours of dancing.

Psych Eval:

Stress Level: Low

Notes:  I find it very hard finding something I want to do.

 It's very demoralizing seeing how much weaker I've gotten over the past few months.  Dropped at least 10 lbs in each exercise and couldn't finish most sets or even my full routine.  Seeing myself in the mirror makes me very unsettled and unhappy; the extra fat (and the shaved head, which I do not regret doing at all) make me very self conscious about how I look.  I feel super rusty when i dance, and am extremely anxious when dancing at the ARC as people who walk by make me very nervous; I hope that goes away soon as I dance more and more.

I enjoy the classes I am in.  Greek Myth is fun for me as I've always loved the topic, though the inconsistency of all the myths I've heard (they are all different) confuses me at times. I do not like that; though, having an attractive and smart-ass TA is really nice.  Anatomy and Physiology is, at the moment, not interesting at all, as I know most of the information from my MCAT studying days.  Speaking of which, I have not started studying yet.. I need to do that soon if not tomorrow.  

Today wasn't as boring as yesterday as I actually got to work out and had stuff to do.  Tomorrow my texts and internet refresh, so I can actually play online games again; not sure how that will affect  me, but hopefully keeping this blog will keep me straight as I can keep reminding myself to not fuck around.

Still miss Kim a helluvalot.  It's only day two of our long distance relationship, so that is expected.  It feels weird not having anyone else in my bed (Henry I know what you're thinking and no, you may not sleep in my bed with me when you come back down).  Talking with her at night before she goes to sleep is something I really look forward to, even though we don't really talk about SUPER interesting things; but it's really nice for me.

Thank You.

I actually wanted to post this on actual Thanksgiving Day, but couldn't because that day was one of "those" days; and I literally couldn't think of anything meaningful to say because my mind was clouded with so much regret and negativity. Today though, different story. So let's go.

This post is mainly just to put my appreciation for my best friends into words. Something that a lot of people don't do nowadays. I am a fervent believer that you should always treat your friends with the utmost appreciation and kindness; especially if they mean something to you. It's something I learned the hard way, but if you love someone, you should let them know. Really, you don't even need to use words to tell them; really, the best way is to show your care for them.

Everyone on this list, I care about you deeply. This isn't just for Thanksgiving, either.

I thank the Gods everyday for blessing me with your presence.

Henry Guan:

First and foremost, I would like to say that you are the only man I've ever loved; real talk. You're the person I've shared so many fun memories with. I remember the times back in Homework Help when we played card games after doing homework, going to Jun's house to play DDR (and you guys made poked fun at me for liking Julie back then xD), playing tennis way back when at McGuane with Wing and Justin, coming over to my house with Jun to play SSX Tricky (Jun fall down... funny), playing basketball in the middle of winter to the point where I couldn't speak straight anymore because of the cold, you teaching me how to ride a bike while learning the Sorry Sorry dance, doing the Sorry Sorry dance together at my house, all those talks 'til 4AM we've had, watching Samurai Champloo together, and tonight, where we slapped each other silly playing the ABC game at Saint's Alp. I could go on for weeks just listing all the other memories we've made over the years.

I don't know where I would be without you in my life; but I'm damn sure that I wouldn't be half the man I am today without you. I've always admired and respected your true sense of morality and how you always are able to do whatever the fuck you wanted without caring what other people thought. Throughout the years, you've always had my back, and I truly believe that you always will.... hahaha... you just IMed me telling me you decided not to shower and screaming out "WOOO!!!"... it's shit like that why I'm so proud to call you my best friend. You're amazingly unique, unbelieveably hilarious, and one of the best and strongest supports I've had in my life. We are so different in our personalities... but our souls couldn't be any more identical.

It's been a rough year for both of us, as you know, but we're gonna get through it. We keep each other strong and we're going to be happy soon. I know it.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, brother.

(I had so much trouble picking a picture, but this one for some reason, made me the happiest xD)

Kim Mok:

It's so strange that I've only known you for about 2 years now... yet... I love you just as much as I do Henry. I really don't know what to call our relationship; "close friend" isn't good enough, and "sister" definitely doesn't fit either, you are definitely my best girl friend, but to me it doesn't do it justice... One day I'll find the perfect way to describe it, but for now I'm just going to enjoy your company.

I still remember meeting you at my second practice of NightLife '09. I literally saw you and was totally smitten hahahaha. I friended you on facebook and mentioned you in a comment about your shoes (which I thought were so awesome) because I was too much of a pussy at the time to actually post something meaningful on your wall. You're literally the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, much less get this close to; even though you would never admit it haha...

Since then, we've shared so many experiences together. We've choreographed a piece together (something I haven't done with anyone else), we've broken bread countless times, cooked for friends and each other, had ab competitions with each other, had so many deep talks and shared so many stories with each other, shed tears together, and have kept each other strong for as long as we've known each other. heh, I still remember the time I pissed you off last year... hoo.. that was one of the longest nights of my life; wondering what I had done to our friendship.

Without you, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead right now. Thank you so much for giving me something to live for.

We're still going places, and to me, it doesn't matter where the hell we end up, because we'll still be there for each other. Love you, babe. Thank you for being there when I need it the most.

You mean the world to me, and I hope you know that.

(Man.. we are beautiful)

Alexander Yuwataepakorn Susanto:

Dude, I don't even know where to begin... I guess just to say that I am the man I am today because of you. You taught me what confidence was. You brought me into the world of dance. You also played a huge part in saving my life... on more than one occasion, I'm ashamed to say. You were my first real role model, and you still kind of are, even though a part of me doesn't want to admit that I need to look up to you (because it shows that I'm not strong enough).

We had some low times, but really, I don't care about those anymore. There's been too many good memories to even let the bad ones tarnish our relationship. The time I spent with you in NYC and BDC turned into some of the best memories and experiences I've ever had. Even that drive around New Jersey after that Applebee's experience where I got paid to eat food was so fun to me. Just talking about our pasts, girls, and relationships.

The day I came home for some break (I don't remember which one specifically) and my brother told me that I seemed more confident, I knew deep down that it was because of you. You were the catalyst that started my growth, and without you, I'd probably still be a loser kid that gamed all day and didn't have the confidence to look at a girl in the eyes.

So thank you. For everything.

(hahaha, I just remembered the times we tried to "thousand years of pain" each other.. miss ya bro.)

Marz Rivera:

It's almost been a decade since we've met. I still remember those ackie days when we'd go to computer info tech together and work on projects.. hahaha.. and that time that dude took a picture of us because of Felix's bigass bookbag.

You were there for me freshman year when all my other "friends" were talkin' hella shit about me. Though we've never really had many deep talks, and even though I don't really know as much as I would like to know about you, know that I got your back no matter what the situation because I know you got mine.

Real talk, you're one of the reasons why I work so hard in dance and in 2XS. For some reason I feel like I gotta keep my skills up so I'll never disappoint you. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come these past years, and I wish you the best.

Thank you for the loyalty and everything else, bro.

(I was worried I didn't have a picture of just us that looked good. Boy was I wrong)

Venus Liang:

You're amazing, you know that? Back when I met you during BizCaz practice, I would've never thought how important you would become to me; nor how important I would apparently become to you.

I think out of everyone on this list, I've had the most deep, spiritual, and philosophical discussions with you. Like that time we just sat in... someone's car until 4 or 5AM just talking about our lives and talking about relationships and guys and girls... and seeing a raccoon (god damn that nig was huge). You're one of the few people I can actually open up completely to, and that's saying a lot.

You called me your role model once, which surprised the hell outta me but made me hella happy; and since then, it's given me the motivation to try my hardest at everything to keep up with what I believe are equal to your standards. I promise I'll work to the point where I actually feel like I'm worthy to be your role model, and I'll try my hardest to not fall.

You have the amazing innate ability to make me smile, no matter what the situation is. I'm so proud of all you've accomplished, and I hope to make you proud one day as well.

Thanks for always brightening up my days, boo. :)

(Real talk, I felt awkward during this pic because I was touching your bare back)

Don Mach:

Really, I still have no idea why you took a shine to me, though I'm so glad you did. You took me under your wing and trained me, for no reason at all. Through dance, you've taught me so much about life and perseverance. You're probably one of the main reasons I work so hard in 2XS (which you helped me get into in the first place) is because of you. I want to one day get on your level and make you proud.

We've shared drinks (I'm still convinced you poured more than one shot of kraken into my rum and coke...), cooked pizza together with the P.I. fam which you helped create, and talked for hours about philosophy and happiness. Things I take to heart.

Thank you for constantly looking after me, really, you are a big brother to me.

(dude, we need a better fucking photo)

Robin Jun:

You probably didn't think you'd end up on this list, did you? Well, regardless of where we may stand now, I still thank the Gods every day for the opportunity to have met you, to have kissed you, and to have loved you.

While I've said so many times that I regret how things turned out between us, I never once regretted going through the journey with you. Through our experiences, I've grown more than I ever have before. You were the first girl I ever loved, and definitely the first girl I spent basically everyday with for basically a year. Never have I had such a desire to get to know someone before, though you never made it easy for me to do so, hahaha.

We've had so many experiences with each other, and while not all of them were good, every single one of them changed me in some way; I like to think for the better.

At the moment, I'm thinking about all those times we had... Our first lunch at Panera with Christine, XiXi, and Simon during runthroughs, the day I gave you the "doorknob to my heart", going to the mall with Kim and getting into the photo...box thing, '10 formal with that stunning dress, that day (night for you) we chatted online while I was halfway around the world in China, the day I asked you out and you shot me down, the day I asked you out again and you shot me down though we still ended up together (I had a huge smile on my face I could not get rid of), that snowy night we went to bombay and chilled in your room watching how I met your mother, the emotionally unstable night before we broke up, Fashion Show '10-'11 and the night after (Hooo, that was crazy...), the day we broke up for the first time, that spring break where I was a complete asshat, the summer nights when we'd stay up 'til 5AM just chatting about nothing on skype, the day you came back and we got back together, Mark's party, going swimming, the second time we broke up, all the workshops we've been to and all the dancing we've done together.... and well, now.

I cherish all those memories and more. You're one of the most unique girls I've ever met. You're an amazing dancer with so much potential; honestly, I'm jealous sometimes. You're still somewhat closed off from people, and I hope one day you find someone you can open up to; even though that person will never be me.

While I've been a complete dick to you the past month or so because I was upset with you, I would like you to know that I do still care for you. Even though we can't be friends anymore, I still care. I appreciate you and everything that you've done for me, and I wish you the best of the best. Wherever you may end up.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for being my first (and, I guess, second) girlfriend

Thank you for the first kiss (though you kinda missed)

Thank you for teaching me (inadvertently) how to be a good boyfriend

Thank you for the memories I'll always have

Thank you for changing me for the better.

I'll never forget.

Everyone else:

Don't think I forgot about you guys either. ;)

Though we may not be as close as I am with those above, I still appreciate every single one of you. Hell, I'd type out a thank you for all of you guys, but sadly, I just don't have enough time, patience, or mental fortitude to do all of that.

I hope one day we can become close friends, but until then...

Thank you.

P.S.

Dr. James Nachman:

You died on June 10, 2011. A day I will never forget.

Thank you for saving my life 7 years ago. I owe you everything.

My life's work is just to make you proud.

See you soon.

Relationships.

More and more I hear about drama in the relationships around me.

Anyone who's followed this blog knows that this is a big part of what I like to talk about, and really, a big part of my life. I've "recently" gone through heartbreak, and while everything is fine, the experience changed my life forever. How can something so intangible as love for another person alter a person so much?

Let's start with the basics.

**Note - the next few paragraphs are just speculation from what I've learned, I'm no expert on love or anything, this is just my opinion**

95% of women--no, 95% of any given person (mentally/personality wise), is the same as any other. It's that 5% that makes you different.

It's that 5% which makes no relationship similar to any other. Rather, that's what makes no one person similar to any other. Just as all snowflakes are different, yet they are all made up of water; just as we are all different, but are all just flesh and bone.

Now in that 5% is all the nuances of your personality that make you who you are. Your likes, dislikes, temperament, what you're attracted to, etc. For those of you trying to chase that perfect guy/girl, this 5% can either be heaven or hell for you. It can make and break your relationship.

It's that 5% that causes all the drama. There's no two people on the world that fit perfectly together, and there's bound to be disagreements or something that one person doesn't like about the other and that's when arguments can start, resentment, and scorn. When that happens, wave the white flag and say "gg" ("good game" for those of you who don't game all the time and have self respect *cough*) cause you've just lost. Personalities always clash at one point or another, it's just whether you care enough to listen and see what your significant other means to you. Otherwise, one will take the other for granted, leaving both parties angry, sad, and eventually hurt.

So why do we do this?

Why do we get into relationships even though it's probably a less than 1% chance something amazing will happen?

Why do we get into relationships even though we get hurt in the worst way?

It doesn't make sense does it? I mean, you don't put your hand over a fire again and again, hoping for a different outcome, right?

So why do we do this?

Here's my take:

Humans are social creatures, and I feel like a real relationship is the ultimate connection with another being.

To be love and be loved in an intimate way is the most personal you can get with someone. It's an amazing, indescribable feeling. When it's done right and you're attuned to your significant other, even for a second, I think that there's no better happiness.

That's why we try and try again. Once you've had a taste of the "forbidden fruit" (no, I don't mean sex) you really can't live without it.

It's so we can find that person we can completely break down our walls and become completely vulnerable; because we know our other will be there. I think everyone just wants that feeling. To finally be able to let your guard down.

Well that's my take, if you don't mind sharing yours, I'd be glad to listen. :]

Meaning of Perfection Pt. 2

I'm done studying for the night, but I wanted to write a little somethin' somethin' before I turned in.

I will admit my journey towards perfection has slowed down a bit. Especially this weekend.

Academically, I slipped up some because I've just lost focus especially now, cramming studying for my physics exam tomorrow and my MCB lab exam on Tuesday, I still can't seem to focus on studying. Physical-wise, I'm not doing too bad. I've dropped 10lbs in some of my workouts, but can now run a mile and some without much problem. Dancing has stopped a bit because of school and finals week coming up. Hopefully I can get back on track by tomorrow.

Alright let's pick up where I left off.

I want to first address the situation with the cancer. I am not better. Like I said in my previous post, the pain never fades; and it doesn't. This is something I have to live with, and times do get hard sometimes; and that day was one of those times. We have to live with what has happened to us. I can't change the fact that I've had cancer, I can only work with it. That's part of the reason I need to become my vision of perfect. I need to make myself as a person so amazing, so the cancer is the last thing that anyone thinks of. It's so that I can believe that I didn't deserve it, that I've risen above it.

As for relationships. Well, I think I'm actually over Robin now. I think the reason why I was so attached to her was that without her, things didn't feel normal. After hanging out with her everyday for months, having a void in my life where she used to be seemed wrong; and I guess I wanted to fix that the easy way (figuratively easy) by trying to get her back. We have a lot of things in common, but a lot of those things are quite superficial. The things that really matter, we probably could not be further apart. The things we want in life are completely different, and you can't make a lasting relationship out of that. While we were together, we had a lot of happy times, but there were a lot more sad ones, and relationships shouldn't be rollercoasting like the way ours did. Not to say I regret it; not at all, I actually got a lot out of the relationship and out of the break-up, like my first kiss, learning what women really want (most of the time, because women never really know what they want), a new way to tie my headphones, appreciation of Korean food and culture, learning more about what I want in a girlfriend, the drive to better myself, etc. I actually learned a lot about this from the Wong Fu video "Strangers, Again" (amazing video). The sad thing about all this is, Robin is slowly becoming a stranger to me again. As each day passes, I have less and less energy to put forth all the effort of salvaging our friendship, and sooner or later, sad to say our lives will end up being separated.

As for other girls. I don't really have time for that at the moment. I'm already struggling to keep my academic, emotional, and physical status at a certain level. I don't have the time or energy to build someone else up too. again, not to say that I wouldn't get into a relationship, if the opportunity arises, I will take it. But, then again, I'm not really looking for opportunities now am I?

It just seems at this point in my life, it's not practical to get a girlfriend. It's just like in high school. You'll have a sweetheart that you'll think will be with you forever, but you graduate and move to different colleges. It's the same in college, except, there is even less of a chance you two will end up in the same area. Who knows which med school will take me in, if any. I don't want to get into a relationship just to inevitably break it off in two years.

There are probably some of you who are thinking "Man, why are you thinking about the future like that? Just enjoy your life now you don't know what will happen". I'll say that I can see your point, but I kinda disagree. True, I don't know what will happen, but I do understand the concept of probability; and there is a high ass mother f*cking chance that I'd have to break up with the girl if I ended up going to another state for school. I do not believe in long distance relationship for the sole reason that I'm a paranoid PoS, and my mind is going to be riddled with questions about who's dicking my girlfriend. Not worth it.

I think I have more to say on the subject, but I'm about ready to pass out.

watch the video. It's very eye-opening.

The Meaning of Perfection.

It appears I've stumbled upon a little bit of break time in between my studies so I'm going to kick back and blog about something that's come to me in the past day.

I mentioned in my last post that I met a man named Calvin Sun at the Midwest Asian American Student Union Spring Conference. I've actually been keeping in touch with him through e-mail and I've been trying to claw out every bit of information I could get about med school and just how to optimize my life like he has. His responses have been quite casual (not that I was looking for more) and simple, but what they've inspired me to do is to make my life into my vision of perfect. I've got a lot of flaws in my life (yeah, I know I've said that before, still remains true) and I really have to buckle down and work on them (yeah, I know I've said that before too, shut up) and one really simple thing that Calvin said to me, I think, will help me accomplish it. I asked him how he has the time for med school and all his extra currics, and he told me: "Leave no room for procrastination." and that really hit me. I thought to myself "Why do I procrastinate? I mean, everything I procrastinate on has to get done anyway so why the hell shouldn't I do it now?". That thought kinda just spiraled to "If you don't like how your life is now, what the fuck are you waiting for? Change it NOW".

I know a lot of people say "Why do you want perfection? Your flaws make you who you are!". I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree. Your personality is what makes you; your flaws are what's wrong with you. That's the definition of a flaw. Not to say that my goal is to rid myself of every flaw I have; I am a realist after all, and I know that is well beyond impossible. My vision of perfection is just to make my life the best that it can be in physical, social, academic, and artistic aspects.

I was creepin' looking into Calvin's accomplishments and I was absolutely blown away with how long the list was. One of his accomplishments that really blew my mind (besides being president of like 14 different organizations) was that on his first year of med school, he already became the vice president of his class. That brings me to road to improvement factor number 1: be more outgoing. One thing Calvin suggested I do was to find extracurriculars that fit my passion, and if you follow my blog (according to the stats page, a couple of you from Russia do.... o.o;) you know that I'm really passionate about dance. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue Project Illegal as a director on my senior year. It's going to be a year long training workshop for those who want to broaden their dance repertoire, improve their dance skills, or just start dancing. One of the goals I have is to find and befriend dancers from various backgrounds and see if I can get them to help me with some dance workshops. At the moment I have no idea how I will do it, but that's part of the challenge right? I've also decided that I will join a pre-med fraternity like I was supposed to do my freshman year; which one I'll join is TBD, probably Phi Delta Epsilon. Who knows.

As for physical perfection, I'm going to up my gym frequency to everyday instead of only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. There really wasn't any reason for me not going everyday besides me being lazy. Wednesdays, as I have class at 8AM, I'll only be running. Otherwise, I will be doing my optimal workout along with running and/or abs every other day. To not die, I'll start sleeping earlier so I get my now mandatory 7+ hours of sleep.

Currently I am not in a good physical condition. I have too much fat in my upper body (chest and stomach) but I have chicken legs (not to mention my huge ass head). SO, goals for physical perfection include increasing muscle mass but not necessarily density (at this point) in my legs and arms and large amounts of cardio to burn the fat out of my moobs (man boobs) and spare tire. First will be fixed by doing squats; for those of you who don't know, squats are actually the best kind of workout exercise to do because your quads are the biggest group of muscles in your body, so if you work them out, your metabolism will skyrocket in no time. Also, because you have to use your entire body for squats, you're burning mad calories while you're doing them. As for cardio, I'm going to start actually running instead of using the elliptical machine. I've heard that the best kind of cardio is the one that you enjoy doing the most; well, the truth is I hate cardio, so really, I'm just going to use the most effective form which, in my opinion, is running. Plus that gives me an excuse to use my vibram five finger shoes, which may fix my flat feet. Two birds, one sweaty stone. I'm also going to pick up tennis again. I just thought I'd throw that in there.

I actually have more to say, but I'll leave it at this for now as I need to go to bed so I can run tomorrow and still be functional.

No.

I refuse to die now.

Do you hear me?

I refuse to die.

I have way too much to accomplish.

So bring the pain.

Bring the poisons.

Bring the scars.

I'll transcend it all.

Break the restraints you've held me under for 7 years.

Watch me do it.

Faith

Maybe it's something we all need a bit of.

half a month.

Time to start another challenge.

Day 15: The Outside

1. I rode in a bus filled with hoochies today. It was not as nice as the rappers make it out to be.

2. I am currently rooming with my best friend, Henry Guan.

3. I should be choreographing right now, instead I am eating raisins.

4. I don't know whether I want to buy a fedora or not. I definitely think I think I will.

5. I do a lot of harmless flirting. I don't know why.

6. I know three languages.

7. My favorite t.v. show is How I Met Your Mother. It used to be Scrubs.

8. One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump.

9. I really like wearing flannel shirts when I'm dancing.

10. I really like lounging around in a wifebeater and baggy sweats. It's the most comfortable thing ever.

11. I really can't wait for the weekend because I get to play tennis again!!! :D

12. I'm the coordinator for this year's AAA Fashion show. It's been fun/unbearable :D

13. I wholeheartedly believe that dancers are the best people in the world.

14. I like ab workouts. I think they're fun

15. I love to dance.

Scream.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Are you done spitting in my face yet?

Love

So Valentine's Day is coming upon us, and my friend Dan has been posting up so many.. how should we say.... love quotes? I don't know what they're called. All's I know is some of them are kinda beautiful (at least to me) and well, the others are kinda corny and funny. I just want to share with the world a little bit of love, because, really that's what we all need.

here's what he's posted thus far:

There are only two times when i want to be with you... Now, and forever.

Love is not only to love the times when you are at your top, but also to love you at your lowest

Whenever I'm near you, i feel my heart skip a beat.
Whenever I hear your voice, every other sound get's drowned out.
Whenever I see you, I wish you were mine.

The heavens weep for the one angel that fell, that was you.

Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.

If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

‎"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

It doesn't matter how long you have known him.....if he's got you smiling, starting from day one.....don't lose him..

‎" If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

Don't put off telling someone how you feel about them, because every day that passes by is another opportunity for them to meet someone else.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

they ask me what i see in you and i smile, look down and say nothing because i don't want them to fall in love with you too

The only guy that deserves you... is the one that thinks he doesn't. the one that'll stick by your side... no matter how much you mess up. and the one who will forgive you... mistake after mistake...

There's always a real reason behind every "just wondering"

Who would you chose? The one that you love...or the one that loves you?

God gave us two ears to hear, two eyes to see and two hands to hold. But why did God give us only one heart? Because he wants us to find the other one.

GREAT LOVE: It's when you shed tears yet you still care; it's when you're ignored yet you still long; it's when he begins to love another yet you still smile and say "I'm happy for you."

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.

‎"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

If you could see inside my head,
If thoughts were things to see.
You would see how much you mean,
How much you mean to me.
As long as you are with me,
My heart soars with joy.
The only person I think of,
Is you all day and night.
Even if I try to think of someone else I can’t
The only thing I ask is for you to never leave.
Because if you were to leave me,
I would never be able to live.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

If you have a significant other, cherish them, tell them you love them. If you have someone you're interested in, spend some time with them. If you like being single, well, good for you lol.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know...

Dreams are powerful.

Last night I had a dream where I had to relive all my past failures.

I woke up in tears.

I relived my abusive childhood, all the failures of my love-life, all my failures in friendships, all my failures in dance, and worst of all.... my experiences with cancer.

Let's start with that. I have NEVER until this day, thought that I was any less of a person because of having cancer. If anything, I thought I was a better person because I experienced real pain and survived. But now.... I feel like the gimp my mother refers to me as. I feel broken, I feel regret, I feel worthless.

Maybe I am worthless. People say that they need me. I find that hard to believe. What could I possibly bring to anyone's life that no one else could? People don't need me. I play no special role. I've just been a parasite on everyone I've ever known. I take, and yet selfishly contribute nothing. I once jokingly called my brother the "Black Hole of Failure", but maybe I should've been calling myself that.

Everything, my entire past and all the rejection, keeps replaying over and over again in my mind, and each time I feel this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault. That I deserved all of it; that I'm supposed to be suffering.

It's one of those times I wish I had died 6 years ago.

I resent God for not ending it back then.

Oh Stop, let Me Take A Mental Shot of this Moment

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school:

The purpose of school is not just to learn academics, but really to make friends and, in my case, learn about the world. It's mainly because of school that I grew up the way I did. I made the connections that shaped me into who I am. In early grade school I rolled with the "bad crowd" and I learned a lot from that. In high school I rolled with the smart asians and I got my hard working habits from that. In college I found people that actually helped me learn that people aren't always innately bad, and people who brought me into the world of dance.... of which, whom I owe everything to.

52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average?

People think I'm smart. School says I'm dumb. I think I'm just me.

53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever?

A+ or check mark in kindergarten, I don't know which one ranks higher.

54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher?

It was a a low 3. something. If it's not a 4, there is no reason not to aim higher.

55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)?

Biology to talk about, psychology to study.

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before?

I am not currently in love. I don't believe I ever have been. Right now, I'm really confused on where I want to be. Part of me wants my ex back. Part of me doesn't. Part of me is just fine being alone and doing me. Part of me misses having a significant other. I guess I don't know what I really want. For now, being me will have to do.

57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)?

Let's see.... No one really tells me they love me (which is understandable, love is really strong emotion), people hug me a good amount, used to get kisses, I've never been etc'd before... I don't really know what that is comprised of; not to say I'm not curious though.

58. Is love worth it?

Yeah, I think it really will be.

59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months?

Yeah, they're fucking idiots. They "love" the feeling of having someone around to validate them. It's not about liking the person, it's about liking the status. Unless you've been with a person for a SIGNIFICANT amount of time, you haven't found love. I think love is something you find in a person after a long time and lots of experiences with them. When you care about each other to the point where you know and trust each other better than you do yourselves.

60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word?

I can say it easy; but to say it and really mean it? It takes a lot.

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round?

No, it really doesn't. Some of the best things in life don't cost money. Sure, money can buy happiness, but all the happiness that money can buy is just temporary. The real joy in life is free.

62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money?

Back in my day, my family was very poor (back when my father wasn't in the picture and a bit after). They used to be really rich though. Now.. we're on the low side of middle class at best.

63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to?

lol saving. What's there to save? If there wasn't financial aid, I'd be washing cars right now or frying up some Egg Foo Young. Real talk.

64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with?

I'd rather find the perfect person. I don't think you're really set for life until you've found that person that sets it for you. That sounds corny. I apologize. But really, money wouldn't make me happy as a soul mate.

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you?

Low side of 6. Money is just a safety net.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin?

Yep.

67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with?

As long as no one gets hurt, there's no reason I see not to.

68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that?

Yeahhh, I kinda do. Because her panties drop when she hears words that rhyme with "dick". Haha, well, I guess that's a little exaggerated. She's really not that bad of a person, but her choices in life haven't been exactly saintly.

69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more?

I wouldn't change anything, because everything I did brought me to the path I'm on now, and the path looks pretty bright up ahead.

70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both!

I'm a nice guy and generally consider myself a gentleman. Doesn't mean I'm going to roll over for any person though. I'll be nice to you as long as you deserve it; if you don't, well, why am I still near you then?

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone?

Time varies depending on how fast people earn my trust. Henry took about 18 years, Kim and Alex took about half a year.... but really, I'm not much of a closed book. You want to know about me? Just ask.

72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone?

Wouldn't know, I don't fully trust anyone.

73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason?

Past experiences and just the way I was raised.

74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually?

When I know them and have at least some sort of attraction towards them. Also when they don't have a penis.

75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them?

I don't tell my parents shit. To my close friends, I can tell them almost anything concerning my past or my feelings (or lack of) for people. I just don't tell them my current medical woes because I don't feel like there's a reason for them to know something that they can't stop.

The Perfect Woman.

I just spent about 3 hours talking with my good friends Kim, Marz, Robin, Marcus, and Darren about what their perfect girl/guy would be, and it really got me thinking.

Here's mine:

1. Pretty face. Not saying she has to be beautiful, but looks matter to me. Not saying this is a gamebreaker/maker, it's still about personality.

2. Nice midrift. Some guys are for the ass, some guys are for the tits. I'm neither. I mean, I do like a girl who has some curves, but what really attracts me is a fit girl with some nice abs. Get to them crunches ladies. I'll do the same ;]

3. Good taste in food and clothes. Moreso food than clothes. I don't want a girl who just eats salad all the time. I want a girl who can appreciate a nice juicy burger and who won't judge me for eating one.

4. Can dance. This is a game maker/breaker for me. Not saying you have to be awesome (though it would be a HUGE plus in the pros column) but at least have the drive or interest in dance so you can dance with me. Hip-hop is preferable, but if it's ballet, that's cool too. You can teach me to plie and I can teach you to pop.

5. NOT CHILDISH. One thing I learned from my past relationships with girls (official and unofficial), is that I do not like childish girls. You know, once in a while acting a little cute is always enjoyable, but if you're all about Hello Kitty, and cute little shits, get the eff away from me. I don't want you in my life. Fo' real.

6. Down to Earth. That kinda goes along with number 5. I don't want a girl always in the air. I want a chill girl. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously, but doesn't restrict herself to reality too much.

7. Understands where I came from and accepts me for who I am. Kinda self explanatory. I don't come from a particularly nice background, and the last thing I need is a person who can't accept how that has shaped me. I'm not exactly the most STABLE person, but I like to think I have some structure.

8. Has a sense of humor. I like being the funny guy, but when a girl makes me laugh by some funny or off color joke, that really attracts me. Shows me she knows how to enjoy life, and enjoy words.

9. Butt-stickless. Don't like stuck up women. Touched on that before. Gotta be cool ya know. Know how to talk, know how to be chill, just have fun with life.

So basically those are the main qualities that I'd love in a woman..... but another thing I've realized from my past relationships is that.... none of that really matters. When you find a person that you really like(d), of course she's not going to fit your perfect schema for a girl, but it won't matter. You'll accept them and love them for who they are; just the way they are. So really, I don't have a "perfect woman" because if I can find that someone who I can care about and love, and have them love me in return, that person will be my perfect woman.

I can teach you to Fly

Can't say I'm not a little disappointed.

Dammit.

Time to go even harder.

Next time it's all or nothing.