If I Die Before I Wake I Pray to Lord My Soul to Take

"You're not someone's whole world. Sometimes no one gives a shit about you and that hurts. The pain is too much sometimes but ask yourself if dying fixes the problem. I can tell you it doesn't. YB, the past is the only thing that is painful, the present is just a neutral fulcrum for the future. And YOU make the future what it is.  So if you feel pain over something in the past, you have the present to make a change for the future. And everyone has the power to do that, Feel me?"

This was a comment posted on the video above.

When I read it, I couldn't believe how real this was. It's so completely right. No one can be anyone's whole world. You can't be the center of their universe. That's just selfish thinking. Sometimes the person who you care for doesn't give a shit about you; and yeah, that does hurt (a lot), but, what can you do about it? Try and force them to care about you? Life doesn't work that way, it never will. It's just learning that lesson and accepting it that will make a person strong.

When They Push You Down You Need to Get Back Up

As you may know from my previous post. My relationship with my girlfriend recently ended.

While a part of me is sad that I lost her. Another part of me see's it as a blessing.

Now I know, more than ever, what I need to do to make myself a better me. I need to redefine who I am, and what I want in life. Not only that, I need to grasp what I want, and work harder than I ever have before to attain it; because, let's face it, I am not happy with my life.

I've been bitching on this blog so much about how everyone else is wrong or how everyone else is problematic.

That's the problem though, the problem wasn't in other people. It was in me.

It was never my job to be the "moderator" to my family. I never had the right to do so; I am so far from perfect, who am I to tell them what they're doing wrong? Even so, I chose to do it, it was never forced on me. I acted like I was on a high horse, looking down on my family for bickering. What I should have done, and what I will do, was to just try and make things as happy for my family as can be; pointing out their flaws and yelling won't solve anything, it hasn't.

Another thing is that I never should've acted as cocky as I did. I always thought it was okay because I was joking. Now that I think about it, I feel that I wasn't joking. I really thought I was the shit. I've got a lot of room for improvement in mind, body, and soul. It's fact that I'm not a good dancer, I knew that, yet I let everyone's praises blind me into thinking I was great; I was taking small compliments and turning them into huge ones. I have so much more training to do to ever even be considered decent, let alone good. I also thought that because my abs were "coming in" I was a sexy thang and that everyone wanted a piece (okay not to that extent, but you get the idea). What. An. Idiot. I was. I stopped going to the gym as frequently as I could've and when I did go, I half-assed it.

No more.

This whole break-up was such a humbling experience. I see my flaws now (there are more than listed above), I accept that they exist, and I know what I need to do to fix them; and mark my words, I will fix them.

I will use the pain I feel as a reminder of what I need to do. I've never had so much drive and motivation in my life.

Another thing is that through this break-up, I've come to find out how many people actually care for me. I've been taking that for granted for so long without realizing it. I now know who my true friends are... and I'm so happy to have been blessed with so many. From my bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you so much.

Also, to my ex-significant other. If you hadn't done what was needed, I'd still be stuck in the same spot; not growing, just stagnant, so thank you. I love you. :]

I see clearly now. With this new clairvoyance, I'll redefine myself. Make myself into the best me that I, or anyone else, can possibly imagine.

I promise you, I'll achieve it.

One day at a time.

Gone.

Even though I knew that it was coming.

Even though I thought I was ready to break it off myself.

I wasn't ready for this.

Though I know that it needed to happen.

That it had to happen.

That she wasn't happy.

That I wasn't happy.

It still hurts...

so much...

I thought I was above feeling this way.

That my logical mind would triumph and spare me the pain.

I was wrong.

and now...

It is over. Forever.

People say she wasn't worth my time.

She was.

People pity me.

I'm not worth it.

People tell me to move on.

I have to...

but..

Where do I go?

Where can I go?

Brotalk and Hip-Hop

I love it.

Right now, unfortunately, there's really no one in my life that I can tell my deepest secrets to. Not my best friend Henry, not Kim, not Alex, not even my girlfriend Robin; and it's not even because they aren't trustworthy, quite the opposite, actually, they are actually the four people in my life that I am the closest to. It's because when you were raised the way I was, trust is something that doesn't come easy.

That's why I love having personal talks with people I know. It gives me a sense of trust and community. Each time I have one of these talks, the shell of distrust and self-consciousness I've built up breaks bit by bit. Slowly, I feel like I can share things that I've never shared with anyone before (and God knows there's a hella lot of that). I kinda feel more close to the person/people I have these talks with because they show their vulnerable side. It's a real bonding thing. You don't forget these people. You can't.

Maybe someday I can be that open book that I actually want to be. I want people to understand me and know who I am.

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Now on a completely unrelated topic, I want to talk about the definition of hip-hop.

Last year I was introduced into the world of the Hip-Hop subculture by my dear friend and mentor Alex Susanto. He taught me that hip-hop was a subculture, a mindset, and shouldn't be defined by what the media says it is. It's not a fad, and it's not Jay-Z's music, it's not gun-violence, 40-oz bottles of malt liquor, or pants that sag past your scrotum.

Hip-Hop was a form of expression. It's a lifestyle.

Thennn.. he kinda turned it all around. He put a metaphorical fence around what was hip-hop and what wasn't. More specifically, he clearly drew a line between "hip-hop" and "street jazz".

For those of you who don't know, here's the basic gist of what I was told.

Hip-Hop dance, in its essence, is popping, locking, and b-boying. It's cyphers, freestyles and battles. That's all well and good (I actually love cyphers, even though I'm total noobsauce), but a big part of it is distinguishing that the choreography style that people see on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance is in fact, not hip-hop.

The reason I bring this up is because this summer I was looking for a dance studio in Chicago that had a strong hip-hop choreography class or fundamentals of hip-hop class. I found this one studio (Visceral Dance Studio) which actually had a couple hip-hop classes, but the reviewers said that it wasn't "real" hip-hop, so I didn't go.

But now, I thought about it, and I really regret not going during the summer.

I don't agree with the mentality that choreography should not be a part of hip-hop. I think that choreography has just as much of a place in the hip-hop subculture as popping, locking, or b-boying. Hip-Hop is a form of expression, it should all depend on the mindset of the dancer and what he or she does with the choreography.

A prime example of what I mean is Lyle Beniga. He is a choreographer and most old-school hip-hop practitioners don't really know about him because I feel like they are so close minded to choreography. That's a shame too, because to me, he embodies the hip-hop spirit. He's got the swag, attitude, and he's built in fundamental hip-hop technique into his choreography style; yet, he'd still be considered "street jazz" and I feel like that's just wrong.

It just seems very hypocritical that people who are in hip-hop preach about freedoms in expression and culture of dance, but are so close minded and shun something that is so obviously hip-hop at its core.

So you know what, this winter break, I'll be going to Visceral. Taking those hip-hop courses. Even if it really"isn't hip-hop", I'll make it into hip-hop myself.

It's Just a Matter of Time.... before...

It's 3:05AM. I'm about 5 hours away from my psychology final. The only thing keeping me up right now is pure unadulterated anger.

It's not even because of the lack of sleep, I've been lacking sleep for about 2 months now and I normally don't feel this way.

No, I know where the fury is stemming from. Only problem is, I don't know what to do about it.

People say I'm a chill person... I'm really not. I just have the decency to keep my mouth shut about everything that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like I'm killing myself slowly by doing so.

The rage I'm trying to keep bottled up is causing me physical pain. My internal organs, especially my heart, feel like they're in a vice, slowly being squeezed.

I've been coughing up blood more and more.

I doubt I'll last much longer. We'll see, won't we?

I wrote this hoping it would help me feel better putting my anger into words... I was wrong.

Time to get back to my studies. Bitching won't get me my revenge.

I think we've got somethin' special. Girl you and me.

Awesome day today! Woke up at 8:30, 8:35, 8:40, 8:45, and 8:50AM (snoozed). Went to the Museum of Science and Industry and met up with my close friend Kim, her sister, her brother and his girlfriend, and her astoundingly cute aunt (not in that way) hahaha. The original plan was for us to see Jim Henson's (creator of the muppets for those of you who don't know) Fantastic World exhibit, but we didn't have the time for it, so instead we saw the Smart Homes exhibit which was just as, if not more amazing.

There have been so many new innovations since the 90's. I am so impressed by how technologically advanced the house was, yet so green. Most of the furniture and appliances were made out of other recycled appliances. The house was technically small, but inside it felt so spacious and comforting! The best part were the large windows which turned out to be doors that opened completely. I know what house I'm going to have when I get rich.. oh yeah. Definitely go see it if you have the time and are in the Chicago area totally worth the 8 dollars.

Second most amazing thing about the museum was something I almost missed. It was a HUGE muppets themed gingerbread house by the ticket counters. Smelled friggin delicious.... :d

Afterwards we all went to this really nice restaurant on 33rd and Halsted called Nana. Small restaurant but everything on menu was organic and sounded so amazing... my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I got the smoked turkey pot pie which came with a side of apple mixed green salad (I'm saying mixed green because I dont know what the hell those greens were). It was absolutely delicious.... except for the piece of steel wool I found in my mouth.... yeah... wasn't too fond of it. Didn't bother me too much, but Kim insisted I tell them about it, which I did, and thanks to her, I got a free pot pie!! :D I love eating with friends, stuff like this always happens!!! bahahha.

Finally, I came home, took a three hour nap, watched an episode of Lie to Me because my brother has started watching the series, and learned the S**t Kingz choreography to "Something Special" by Usher, smooth piece, really love it, need to clean the ending.

**Sorry I don't have pictures, forgot to bring my camera back home and my phone can't transfer anything because the SD card is broken :/

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Alright, time for some insider thinking :D

I saw this prompt my friend Brian Kung used for one of his notes which read:

"Write about a future you who has learned a lot and has time traveled back to talk to you NOW"

I felt like talking about this.

(to high school jeff)

Yo, tubby.

There's a lot of things I have to tell you, because I'm assuming, I can't stay here long.

One. You need to start dancing NOW. Look up Lyle Beniga, Shaun Evaristo, Kyle Hanagami, the S**t Kingz, Mike Song, Anthony Lee, and Keone Madrid on Youtube and learn something, ANYTHING. Look up popping tutorials, look up locking tutorials, and look up breaking/top rocking tutorials. I know you think this stuff looks amazing, and I know you want to do it, but you're just too self-conscious and worried about what other people think. TRUST me, you don't need to give a shit about what they think, it'll only hold you back from being amazing.

Two, be more confident in what you do. Don't be a little bitch cowering behind doubt. If you want to do something, DO IT. If you want something WORK FOR IT. Don't be so dependent upon other people to get you what you want, get it your own damn self. Just don't be stupid about it.

Three, study your ass off in high school. I know I know, school is such a drag and blah blah blah. If you study now, you'll get straight A's, and you'll have a MUCH easier time in college. TRUST me. Just an hour a day at least will be a huge improvement, and I mean actual studying. No watching T.V., and doing homework does not count as studying. I can't tell you not to check facebook, because then we'd be a hypocrite and you know we hate those.

Four, WORK OUT. I know you hate being the fat kid in school. Start working out at home with push-ups, crunches, squats and shit. When you get your license, look up LA Fitness. It's right on Canal Street (also learn street names), and start going there. Mom will pay for it, she's tired of you being a fatass too. Also, DIET, stop eating all that high octane shit. It ain't good for you, and it'll hinder your slimmage.

Five, do not chase Cindy. You'll end up in multiple heartbreaks and she is not the girl for you. Which leads me to...

Six, I know you want to go to Northwestern University. Don't. Go to University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Join the Asian American Association and do their fashion show, and if you followed number one, you'll already want to. You'll meet the coolest people you've ever met, and form the closest relationships you've ever had, and you'll meet your first girlfriend there. She's beautiful and she's an amazing dancer ^^. Plus the education ain't half bad :]

Seven, your only real friends in High School are Henry, Matt Yau, basically the grade above you, and Colin Rouser. Everyone else is fake as hell. Don't mess with them.

Hope you wrote this shit down, homie.

Will learn the second dance tomorrow :]

Don't wake me up.

Lot of things went down today... kinda. Woke up and learned Lyle Beniga's "Make Me Wanna Dance" choreo. Not as hard as I thought it would be, the footwork looks intimidating, but it really isn't. It's actually a crapton of fun. :D

Played the Wii version of NBA Jam with my brother today too, made me reminisce of those SNES days.... I should really dust that thing off and play it... or you know, get an emulator. Same feeling, less blowing (into cartridges).

Also went to the optometrist today, which ended up to be a huge waste of time as my prescription has not changed at all. Though, I did find out that female optometrists are very attractive o.o Guys... not so much.

Afterwards, I hung out with Henry. The first friend I've seen all break. We danced, we laughed, I taught him choreography, he ate, and we had a small serious conversation (I miss those). it was a jolly good time *insert old rich guy laugh*

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Now that all that's out of the way. Let's talk about dreams.

This is actually a recurrent theme I bring up a lot with my girlfriend. The concept just really interests me. I mean, what is a dream really?

Is it just your neurons firing in random patterns making you think and visualize random visions and thoughts? I mean that would make sense, as most dreams are very random and a person doesn't really dream about something they don't know or can't conceptualize in their consciousness.. can they? Well, then comes in the idea of lucid dreaming, in which the dreamer is completely in control (theoretically) of their dream state, in which (once again theoretically) they can make themselves dream of new conceptions like a masterpiece painting they've never thought of, or a new recipe that they'd never heard of. Anything would theoretically possible as long as the dreamer wills it.

I think Carl Jung had a theory that dreams were just visions into what he called the "collective unconsciousness" which I interpreted as a connection of everyone's experiences and thoughts from the past, present, and future. This could mean that the ability to lucid dream is just the ability to control what you see in the collective. If present you wants to see a masterpiece painting, the idea that shows up is what future you has already conceptualized, or even, what someone else has conceptualized in their unconscious. Sorry if you're having trouble following me.

Another thing I wonder about dreams is why they are so fleeting... I'm fairly sure everyone has had a really weird dream in their life, and as soon as they wake up (unless they jot everything down) the dream will drain out of their mind unless they commit the details into memory extremely fast. Even then most people lose most of the dream anyways.

Hopefully I'll eventually be able to find out the truth about this. Whether in my lifetime, in my afterlife, or in a dream.

I just hope I don't forget it.

What is Love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo~

Today wasn't too bad. Actually got a lot done and no one yelled at anyone today. Everyone was also at work, but I'll take what I can get. ^^

Today I had an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Uma, that I've had for 5 years. She looked exactly the same, traditional indian clothing with a doctor's coat covered in pen scribbles all over it. It was really nice seeing her, as it always is. I also saw my other oncologist Dr. Nachman, who surprisingly offered me a summer job in one of his research labs (SCORE) and I'd actually get paid (DOUBLE SCORE). I just gotta fill out the paperwork, and hope to the Gods that I don't fuck anything up.... which shouldn't be the case *knock on wood* because I'm pretty decent with biological lab work.

Only problem at the hospital was that the nurse that drew my blood was a complete noob (what else is new) and missed the vein on her first stab and got my nerve instead, which made my arm twitch. Then on her second stab, she.... got my nerve AGAIN.. in the SAME SPOT. Needless to say, that hurt like a bitch... buuuut she got the job done in the end, so a sore arm isn't too bad of a trade-off for knowing that I'm not going to die from anemia. We cool, noob nurse, we cool. :]

rest of the day was pretty nice. Learned the rest of Ian Eastwoods "Please Don't Go" choreography and I also learned Keone's choreo to "Got No Worries" . I still need some cleaning in both dances, but I basically can do them. Maybe I'll work on Sh*t Kingz's "Something Special" or Keone and Ian's choreo to "Rock that Body"... MAYBE BOTH :O

________________________________________________________________

Alright now to what I wanted to talk about. Today I read something about Love that really intrigued me. This guy said that Love is when you can see the flaws of a person, and still have strong positive feelings for them.

I disagree.

I believe that Love is when you are in a relationship and you don't see flaws anymore. Early on in any relationship, there are always going to be at least one noticeable thing that you don't like about your significant other, but I think that if you really loved them, eventually, you wouldn't think about those characteristics as flaws, but rather traits that you love because it's something that makes them who they are.... if that makes sense.

Of course, I'm not sure if that's too improbable for anyone to truly find in a person. I've only got about a month and a half of relationship experience under my belt, so this could all be just speculation from the hopeless romantic that resides in me.

What do you think?

Home Sweet Home

hah, yeah fucking right. The person who came up with that saying should be stabbed in the eye.

Yep, I am once again in the place where I grew up, and only 26 hours and 14 minutes into my return, I've already had to become a damn mediator over my brother and my mother. I JUST finished arguing with my mother over what she did wrong; of which she heard zilch (not surprising, this is the fourth time I've told her the same shit)... next time I'm just going to tell her get out of my room and save myself from some stress-induced heart failure.

I see my friends and how their relationships with their parents are, and I really envy them. They seem so close and they smile when they talk or think of each other. They actually have conversations to each other when they're on the phone. Nothing would make me happier than being able to actually have a serious talk or discussion with my mother without her complaining about something or yelling about something... I want to talk to my pre-cancer mother; the strong woman who actually believed that she could do anything, and then do it... it saddens me to think that I'll never see her again.

This shit has just made me think about what home really is. Since I returned for my sophomore year of college, I've dreaded the idea of coming back here. There really is no happiness within these doors for me. The closest thing I can get to happiness is apathy, but even that is tainted by the fear that something will go down, or someone will start something. I was supposed to go down to the basement and start working out and dancing.. but I just can't, I'm so angry and stressed, and I don't want to associate those feelings with hip-hop or my dancing.

It's all just made me realize that where I am right now isn't really my home (note that I never referred to it as "home"). Someone said before that you'll always have a home with your family. yeah, bullshit. My "family" has tried kicking me out on more than one occasion. I believe that home is where you are the happiest. I guess that means my current home is in Urbana. That means that my friends are my family and my house is in my dorm.

Siigh..

I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Time to get my shit straight.

Alright, so lately I've been slacking in just about everything.

I've been kinda "meh" about school now, and like, I've lost sight of my goals in life. I'm sleeping at like 4AM for no reason and because of that, I think it's okay that I'm sleeping in my classes; because "I can't help it, I didn't have a good nights sleep *snooore*". Freaking obvious, retard, you went to bed at 4AM because you HAD to play tetris. Dumbass...

I've also been slacking off on going at the gym. I can barely see my abs anymore, which are now MUCH more flabby than before. While I know I can't go to the gym everyday, I should have stuck with my 3-day a week schedule. I didn't keep up with jack shiet. This also kind of ties into my sleeping thing because I nap like 2 hours a day to catch up on sleep. 2 hours in which I could have worked out and got healthier.

My attitude towards school and academics is also starting to waver, which is so detrimental to my studies. No one is going to study properly if they think that what they're studying is boring; it's just not going to happen. You're always going to think of something else you'd rather be doing. So obviously, I've fallen way behind in all my classes. Even when I have time to catch up, I usually end up playing Starcraft or some other shit that won't help me in the future.

I'd feel better if I spent this time dancing, but even that something I love doing, I've been slacking in. Nowadays the only times I get to dance are at the weekly Dance2XS clinics, or at Fashion Show practices, which honestly, are more like work than anything. I've gotten SO SLOPPY and I have no excuse for this.

The only thing that comes out of this is me feeling guilty and like a piece of shit because I can't get anything done.

This is unacceptable.

My friend Don recently told me "If you want to, you can" and I feel like such a hypocrite because I've been preaching this line to people for a while now and can't follow through with it myself.

I want to be interested in my studies, I want to be stronger and fit, and GOD DAMMIT I want to improve my dancing ability.

From now on, I sleep at a REASONABLE hour, at LEAST 7-8 hours of sleep.

From now on, I get my academic shit done IN ADVANCE. No more waiting until 3 hours before the shit is due. No more all-nighters, and if I follow the former, that shouldn't be an issue.

From now on, I go to the gym on Tuesdays right after my lab, for at least 1 and a half hours, with at least 30 minutes cardio or at least 3 miles completed; whichever comes later. I'm going to be ripped by next fall.

Finally, from now on, I start dancing and choreographing more than one day a week. I'll spend at least 30 minutes every other day learning or refining choreography.

It's time I take control of my life.

The Show Goes On

I had a large ass post about 2 minutes ago.

Then I decided to condense it down to this:

I feel like shit.

Peace.

Thank you Asher Roth.

So I've been wanting to post this for a little while now..

A couple days ago, I got a surprising letter from Northwestern University's Honor's Program for Medical Education...

They STRONGLY urged me to not pursue the HPME program and instead go for their traditional 4-year study program. Basically, they rejected the hell out of me.... Funny thing is... I don't remember applying...

Theoretically, getting an e-mail like that should've been like a kick to the face. I mean, Northwestern University was my top choice back in the day... why wouldn't being rejected again hurt? It didn't though, I actually laughed at it and that's because I realized that I love it here at UIUC. I've met so many inspirational and amazing people that helped shape me into what I am today. I laugh when I think about who or what I'd be if I actually made it into Northwestern on my first try...

First off, I probably wouldn't have the time to write this (although I probably shouldn't be writing this now as I should be at the gym already...) because I'd still be struggling on homework that was due last semester. Second, I wouldn't have met so many wonderful people at Northwestern because my friends that go there wouldn't have ditched me like they did here (thank God they did too) and odds are, I probably would never have broke out of my shell and met new people. Because of that, I wouldn't have found a passion in dance because the people who really pushed me in that direction (Alex, Kim, and Don.... thank you so much) would've been here. I also would still be fat as hell because I doubt I would've gone to the gym at NU. Finally, and worst of all, I probably would've never met Robin...

Happiness isn't getting what you want all the time...

It's LOVING what you have.

Life is good.

Letter to the higher ups

Dear God,

Things better start going my way, or I'm going to go up there and fuck you up.

Real talk.

-Jeff

A message to the ladies

You make me confused as hell.

What I'm talkin' about is this whole "Chivalry is dead" thing. All I hear nowadays is women saying that men don't treat them like they should, and that we're rude, inconsiderate, and all we want to do is get in girl's pants and blah blah blah. But then, when guys treat women nicely and put them on a pedestal, we're suddenly sexist and wrong because they think we're doing it because we think that men are better than women.

I guess I'm more on the latter side of the spectrum in that I have that "chivalrous" tendency to treat women more nice than usual. I hold the door open for them, I (usually) speak nicely to them and (try to) avoid directly profanity at them, and if a woman asks me for a favor, I will always accept and do anything I can for them. Does that make me sexist? Does doing all that mean that I think women are inferior to men? I don't think so, but sometimes I think that's what some people think of me. I mean, I actually got cussed out once at Kohl's for holding a door open for this particular woman. Apparently I thought that she couldn't open the door because she was a woman.. that just struck me dumbfounded and kinda pissed me off because I was just trying to be nice.

I don't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do or not do to make you ladies happy.

Any help?

I think this'll be interesting...

Well, right now I don't really feel like actually working, as I've been doing that for the past 2 weeks straight... so I'm going to take a little break to tell you guys a lil' somethin somethin bout myself. I haven't read through this survey before, but I will answer each question as in-depth as I can and as honestly as I can. There were 130 questions in this survey... but fuck that, I don't have all night.

01. Have you ever been in a car accident?

- Yes I have, nothing major, just some idiots ramming into my car.

02. Do you have a lot of scars?

- Yeah, I have a crapton of scars. I have three main scars: one on my neck from my thyroidectomy, one on my chest from a failed portocath installation, and one large on on my inner-right thigh from being on the ECMO machine (that was not pleasant....)

03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?

- None too recently, but yeah, I have. It was really stupid though... one guy talking a bunch of shit to one of my friends, shit got out of hand, and as a friend, you HAVE to jump in and protect your own.

04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?

- Yes I have. Not one of my proudest moments as a child but, when I was young, my brother pissed me off so bad that I stabbed him in the leg with a pen. Not too deep, but that's something I will never do again and one thing that I will regret doing for the rest of my life. Not because I got reprimanded, but because I drew my own brother's blood.

05. Have you ever had stitches? Where?

- Yes I have. I've had stitches on my neck, on my chest, on my stomach, on my leg, and on my arms. All medical related.

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful?

- No. I really don't. I talk a LOT of crap about how good I look and shit, but all of it is fake. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted with how I look. Factually, I have lost a lot of weight, but I still see a fatass. A part of me is glad too, because it allows me to appreciate people for who they are and not so much how they look.

07. Are you self conscious of how you look?

- Extremely.

08. Do you put on a lot of makeup?

- Umm.. no. I have never put on any sort of make-up, beauty or halloween related.

09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?

- unless they can surgically change the color of my eyes, then no. I don't like my body, but if I want to make any changes to it, I'll make them through hard work and cardio.

10. What do you think makes a person beautiful?

- Personality, but if you're talking straight physical, basically, if the girl can wear sweats and a regular sized t-shirt with no make-up and still look good, she is beautiful to me.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for?

- Lol, I would actually say I was grounded my entire pre-school 'til high school years. I wasn't really let outside because my neighborhood was pretty dangerous and my parents were always gone.

12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion?

- Ummm I'm going to swap it around here and say that it's asking if I got a girl pregnant. For me, I would have it aborted because I am not ready to be any kind of father. I have no income, I'm barely able to feed myself much less a mother and a child, I can't even take care of myself, and I know I would resent the kid for just being born. Why would I condemn a child to such misery?

13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people?

- Honestly, that is all I ever think about when I'm with other people. Like, most of my thoughts are about how I could make other people's lives better, even if it ruins mine.

14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you?

- Remove my ears so I can't listen to music. I thrive in beats. If you see me alone, my headphones will be in, or my speakers will be blastin, or I'm dancing to a song. Take that away from me, and I would probably kill myself. Real talk.

15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end?

- Well, right now, I really wish that I wasn't such a hopeless romantic and put all this effort into chasing these girls. I mean, I've had some wonderful times during these periods but it's killing me inside and it really hasn't been worth it so far. I just need a break from all of it. But then again, in my heart, I know I'd do it over again....sighhhh

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them?

- I ignore them. It's childish and hurts me more in the end, but I don't really know any other way, because unless it's REALLY bad, I will not snap on someone if I can control it.

17. Name a time when you had to be strong.

- I have to be strong all the time, or at least put on the facade that I am. Otherwise, I feel like people will walk all over me, or I will break down.

18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home?

- I wished that my parents would get a divorce. My father beat the shit out of us. My mom did too, but she usually had a good reason to.

19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react?

- Back in the day, I would get bent out of shape and be like "WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME?!"... but now, I couldn't give two shits. If you don't like me, get the fuck away from me then. If you have a problem with me, tell me to my face, if you're rational and speak with calm words, I will hear you and take your words into consideration. If you come at me with hate and anger, I will react accordingly.

20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it.

- I feel like I've been lucky so far. No one that I've really known or have gotten close to has died *knock on wood*. My paternal grandma died this year though. I went to China and paid my last respects to her grave.

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs?

- I had one job that I don't really count on the fact that I pussied out of it. I worked at coldstone creamery for like, 3 days. It was retarded and afterwards I promised myself that I would not quit anything ever again. As for volunteer jobs, I'm currently volunteering as a food service worker at Carle Hospital. I actually have work tomorrow O.o

22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all?

- Not at all. I haven't even really held a girl's hand, much less have any sexual experience with a girl.

23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far?

- I've been through the emotional equivalent of a tornado+earthquake+tsunami. a tornamiquake, if you will.

24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)?

- I do. I would really love that. It would be like starting a new life, one that I had control over.

25. How old do you act?

- This sort of changes depending on the situation. Most of the time I'm with people (mainly girls) I will act like I'm 8 because... well, because I'm pathetic like that. Buuut if the situation calls for it, I can act like I'm 40, meaning that I can be mature, I can take control of the situation and handle it properly when other people can't.

alright, well, that's all the time I'm willing to spend talking about myself. I need to get back to work. I actually learned a bit about myself doing this, hope you learned a bit about me too.

Peace,

Jeff

:]

the crazy midterm exams are over, and now I actually have time to post something.

The past two weeks have been crazy. It's just been one big blur of dancing and studying...

A week ago, dance practices for AAA fashion show started, and I realized that I really like passing on my knowledge of dance to people. I've never seen myself as a leader before, but I don't know, when I'm up in the front of the room teaching my choreography (or even just leading stretch) it feels... right..

Speaking of dance, this week was chocked full of it. One of the campus' dancing legends, Don Mach, has taken me and my friend Robin under his wing and has started training us..... at 7AM.. every morning.... not too fond of watching the sun-rise but it's something nice to wake up to :]

I've learned so much this past week through training alone, and I can feel myself growing each and every day. Slowly, but surely, I'm breaking out of the shell that I've been encompassed in for 18 years and soon, I hope I can smash my body onto the dance floor (figuratively) and show the world who I really am.

Tonight, I watched the best dance set I have ever seen in my life performed by Dance 2XS UIUC... the passion and emotion I saw on stage completely blew me away. After watching it, all I could say for the next hour was "Oh my GOD"... it was that good.

This week has made me re-evaluate my life in better terms.... Like, even though I'm spending most of my time studying, I realize that I'm genuinely interested in what I'm learning. Even though I don't have a girlfriend yet (yes, that does matter to me), I'm spending basically all of everyday with the girl I like, and really, that's all that should matter (though, not to say I wouldn't want a girlfriend anyways xD); whether we are a couple or not. Even though my health is slowly deteriorating (don't ask me why or how, I'm not going to tell you), I'm living each day to what I think is its rational fullest. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets. Most importantly though, I've realized that in this moment in my life, I am truly happy; something I haven't been in a long... long time.

I guess I can take off one of my wish bracelets now. :]

See what's up.

Alright, so it's been a while since I've posted. Mainly because my last post was all serious and bitchy and whatnot and I felt like it would be hard to follow that one up... Well, fuck it, I got shit to talk about, let's go.

A lot of things have been happening in my life. Most of which is changing how I view the world. One main thing that I've learned to do is to "take it with a smile". What I mean by that is to take the bad things in a positive way.

Before, I was always getting bent out of shape when things didn't go my way. I'm a kind of person that can't really let go of things. I wouldn't be able to change that, I wish to the Gods I could but I can't. But I figure if I can't stop thinking about it, might as well change how I think about it, if that makes sense.

About two weeks ago, I tried out for a campus dance group. Got shot down. Honestly, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm kind of proud (and surprised) about how I handled the rejection.

For the dance group, I thought that I'd be all "Why wouldn't they accept me?! I'm better than most of the people there!!!!!" but, I wasn't. In fact, I didn't give two shits that I got rejected. The tryouts were so much fun, I learned two amazing pieces of choreography,and it was a great experience that I would gladly do again (which I will during their Spring tryouts). All I could think about was getting better at dancing, learning new pieces of choreography when I'm at home, and thinking about ways I could improve my own choreography (which I desperately need to do). That day, you literally could not wipe the smile off my face. I was so happy.

It's just, at this point in my life, a lot of shit has happened to me, and there's at least a ton more flying towards me. I've always known this, but it hasn't really been until now that I've actually... accepted it. Shit will happen, people don't get what they want, nothing ever goes as planned, life is not fair. Accept it, let it happen, adapt, and take it with a smile. :]

-----------------------------------------

Hahaha.... side note.. my roomie is falling asleep to Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. Cute.

LOL he also just threatened to kick a girl "in [her] nuts". gahahahhahaha.

He'll probably read that and punch me. Completely worth it.

-----------------------------------------

Another thing I wanted to talk about (more like, vent, I guess? Ironic how this is coming after my "take it with a smile" spiel) something that I've recently noticed that's been happening to me all my life. People who know me know that it's in my nature to help people (again, not trying to toot my horn). A part of why I want to become a doctor is so that I can help people and do what comes natural to me. It's just the right thing to do, you know? But recently, I've kind of felt like the more I help my friends, the less they appreciate me... Like... they think it's expected of me or something. It was actually one recent event that actually made me realize that this was happening. I went completely out of my way to do a good deed for someone I knew and didn't even get a thank you. Of course, a good deed is reward in itself and all that jazz, and I honestly wasn't looking for a thank you, but it just made me realize that this has been happening a lot. Like, being in this situation, to me, just makes me feel like everyone's bitch. Like, only two people I can think of actually say "thank you" to me: my roomie Henry, and my good friend Kim...

I don't know, I might just be making mountains out of molehills, but that's just how I'm feeling now; like a bitch.

*Whew*... Alright.

**WARNING** I'm halfway through my post, and I'm noticing that grammatical errors are becoming plentiful. I'm way too liberal with my use of parentheses, I know that and I will fix that problem in future posts, right now, I need to get my thoughts down. I'm also realizing that I'm toning the story waay down by leaving out a lot of details...

I was originally going to try and do a video post type of thing (was actually really excited to do so) to update you guys on what has been going on, but after a long, fruitless talk with my mom about my brother and their yelling and-- ugh, let me elaborate.

It's been a rough week for me. Well, if you actually put it on paper it's been a rough life (ask anyone who knows), but I'm just going to stick with the week here.

Before we begin, here's a little tidbit about myself: I do not live in a happy household. I have a deadbeat father who's more like a physically and mentally abusive parasite than anything, a loose-cannon of a brother who hates said parasite for reasons which I will explain later and takes it out on my mom, who, feels like she can fix all the trouble by yelling at everyone about everything wrong (Yeah, I know, how is that not working?). Don't get me wrong, I have my problems to add too, but I think I'd be biased in my word choice, so I'll leave it at that.

The bad week started on Saturday night, around 9PM. My brother just picked up my mom from work and apparently they had one of their arguments on the way home. This was nothing new. They argue about the same shit everytime, my dad stealing about $4,000 from my brother, threatening his girlfriend (Yup, that's ol' pops for ya), and my brother wanting to kick him out of the house. Normally, they argue for about 30 minutes, stop talking to each other but stay angry, go to bed, then reset the next day. This time, it was different. They argued for about two hours, then for some reason my mom brought my dad into the mix so he and my brother could grind the situation out (because my dad still denies he did anything/anything wrong). My mom claims she thought they would talk it out like civilized people (she is not a smart one....), INSTEAD what they do is get into a screaming match. Note that I was doing what I always did in these situations: stay in my room and not give a shit because it didn't have anything to do with me (technically it did, because my dad stole about $2,500 from me first, but he's been so abusive to me over the years I kinda just shrugged it off as another one of those "Yup, you got a shitty dad" events).

When the screaming match almost turned into a full-out brawl, I quickly lept out of my chair, ran outside my room, and forcefully separated my brother and my father (thank the Gods I worked out this summer.... my money would've been on my brother though, cigarettes and deceit have made my father frail). I think that it was at this point that my normal run-of-the-mill dysfunctional family became a broken home. I had to separate my bickering brother and parents, and force them to talk their problems out like adults (apparently, I'm the only one around...) and keep them on track with their arguments. Right then, I realized that, I, the youngest person in the "family", was the most mature and rational person out of a 22 year old and two 50 somethin's...Really?

Because, contrary to popular belief, a problem does not fix itself, this entire week I've been talking to my mom and brother (I find it pointless to talk to my dad because I'm fairly sure I'd end up punching him in the throat) trying to get them to grow up and make amends. Even so, nothing has changed. My brother won't talk to my mom or dad, my dad is.. well, he's exactly the same, and I think my mom is literally one "Fuck you" away from disowning my brother entirely. Just before I started writing this, I had to endure a yelling session about how my brother is a shitty son because he didn't say "Hi" to my mom when he PICKED HER UP FROM WORK OUT OF LOVE. Through this, I've verified my hypothesis on why nothing has changed: no one is listening to me. The only reason I'm able to write this right now is because I found out that these people literally tune me out when I try to reason with them. Tonight, I was trying to make a point to my mom, asked her to verify the logic, and all I got was "What did you say?" from my mom while she stared at a bowl of grapes. It was at that point that I have officially given up on trying to save this family. I reprimanded (well, yelled at) my mom for not listening, promptly closed my door, locked it, and started writing this; otherwise, I'd still be trying to reason with her. I'm so ashamed that things turned out this way. I can barely even look at my family...

I've always said that people never truly change until they've hit rock bottom. If this wasn't it for them, I can't even begin to imagine what is. I'm moving back to Urbana in about 4 days, and on that fourth day, I'm going to leave all of this behind me. It's a dick move, yes, I know. Should I give up on my family? No, but I'm literally out of moves here. They're all too stubborn to apologize or change their ways. You can't help someone if they don't want to be helped, and obviously, they don't want my help, or at least, they won't accept it.

P.S.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family (well, two of them anyways) and will do anything for them (two of them, anyways).

P.P.S.

I'd like to thank my friends Kim and Colin for giving me support throughout this rough patch. It really helped me get over my initial wave of sadness. I love you guys, thank you so much.

Last Night My Family Fell Apart

That is all.

I Heart NY... kinda

Alright, so it took me about 2 days to finish the SC2 campaign (really freakin' good story, can't wait for Heart of the Swarm *insert girlish squeal*). As promised I will share about my experiences in NY.

Day 1:

'nuff said.

Day2:

Today was more of a sightseeing expedition. I'm not too much of a sightsee-er or shopper, so

today was kinda boring for me. Went to Chinatown in the morning and had some Beef Ho Fun for lunch at NY Noodle King *drool*; second best I've ever had.

Remember, it ain't good if it ain't glistening.

Then we took a ferry to Staten Island, just to take it back, it was really relaxing. I kinda fell asleep on the way back... oh well. The skyline is really beautiful, especially because all of the skyscrapers are basically the same height so everything is kinda level; unlike the Chicago skyline where the Sears Tower (No, I will not call it the Willis Tower just as U.S. Cellular Field is still Comiskey Park) makes all the other buildings look miniscule.

Finally, we went and saw Ground Zero. I had such an overwhelming feeling when I was standing there. I can't really describe it, it wasn't sad, it wasn't anger, I mean, I don't really know what kind of emotion it was, but all I could do was just stay silent and contemplate. Maybe you know the feeling?

Day3:

Another sightseeing day. Went to the Financial District (saw a very cute girl near the NYSE), NoHo, SoHo, NYU (not that impressive, no offense), and walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. It was hot as balls today.

Day4:

Well, this is where the pictures end, because I kinda stopped taking them...

Probably the best day of the trip. Woke up and went over to the Broadway Dance Center on 8th and 45th. Met up with my good friend Alex and we took 3 classes that day. First up was my waving/popping class. I forget who was subbing in for Future that day, but I remember being a bit disappointed when I saw him because he was pretty fat, and I wrongly judged a book by its cover. This man was amazing. He is a real testament to how much a person can control their body. He could control each individual muscle (literally) and make micro-waves throughout his body just by flexing certain muscles in succession. I could not stop smiling when I saw him dance. This was the class where I also went into the center of my first cypher; and although

I'm positive I sucked balls (figuratively), Alex was proud of me.

Second class was a hip-hop choreography type class. The regular teacher, Bev, was also out that day; also disappointing because she's a two time cancer survivor and I wanted to talk to her about it... Oh well. Anyways, her substitute was a loud, domineering, half white half Asian girl named Christine. She was hot, so I didn't mind. It was kind of a normal choreo class, nothing TOO special, still a lot of fun though. I was kinda surprised I could keep up with the pace of the class; I guess I've gotten a little better. Also this was when I realized my sweaty gene has turned on because I was drippin' waterfalls out my face.

Third class was an extra one that I wasn't planning to take, but I'm really glad I did take it. It was a b-boy class taught by this really cool dude named Abstract. I've never had any real experience with b-boying so this was really new to me. I learned so many things from this class, and it really got me more interested in b-boying. I have so much to work on.

Day5:

Woke up in Alex's house (which is really nice......). Went downstairs and made pancakes with him. First couple came out nasty and burnt (you can kinda see it on the bottom of the stack)because neither one of us really knew when to flip the pancake (I never made pancakes with a mix before, and I didn't really know his stove, I kinda just wing it at home and it turns out alright). After a couple, they were alright. Ate some pancakes, and I took a nap because for some reason I was hella tired. Woke up an hour later and met Alex's friends Richard and Brian (cool guys). Went to McDonalds for ice cream and played in the playpen which was surprisingly REALLY FUN. (*sidenote* uploading pictures really suck not because I have to drag them down 87 paragraphs of text... I'm also realizing that I have more pictures than I thought I did).

At around 5PM, we took a bus back to NYC and went back to the dance studio so I could take my locking class. The teacher was a guy named Spex and HOLY CRAP LOCKING IS SO MUCH FUN. There's so many elements to it and it's just so funky you can't help but to enjoy yourself.

Day6:

Today was really nice, Alex and I drove about an hour to meet my friend Christine (no relation to the aforementioned Christine). We went to Short Hills mall, which is kind of like the Water Tower Place for us who were born and raised in the Chi (expensive as hell, yo) . Main reason for going to Short Hills was to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen.... yeah, I don't know either, but it was nice.

Afterwards we hung out in Christine's tiny town for a while. I've never been in such a small town before, so it was a nice experience. We got a small tour of the main street and we went to a park (where I almost caught a duck) and just chilled (figuratively, it was hot as balls on this day too, and it was humid). Small towns like that are much more peaceful than the city, which is cool, but it's not really for me.

**my hair lookin kinda weird in this picture, but whatever

That night Alex and I went to an Applebee's (first time for me) and just got a bunch of appetizers and just talked. I haven't done that with him in such a long time (it'll probably be the last one for a while...). It was really nice. I also got got 19 dollars in change for a bill I gave 12 dollars for. Win. Afterwards, we just drove around talking and looking and really, really, REALLY nice mansions in New Jersey... So jealous.. but yeah, learned a lot that night.

Day7:

Had to go back to NYC at meet up with my friends again. Watched Forrest Gump with my friend XiXi (sort of, she was back in Illinois, we kinda just chatted and laughed at random parts of the movie through AIM) Love that movie...

Day8:

Today was the last day (thank God, because I'm tired of typing this as I'm sure you're tired of reading it). Checked out of the Holiday Inn and went out on the town. Had the BEST BURGER I've ever had in my life at a place called the Shake Shack. It's in the Madison Square Park, look it up. Waited about an hour in line for a Shack Stack (basically a mix between their mushroom burger and a regular burger) and Fries (not so good). The mushroom aspect of the burger was amazing, it was basically a deep fried portabello mushroom, and when you bite into it, a bunch of gooey cheese comes along for the ride, Good. Shit. Small burger, kinda pricey, but definitely worth it.... Jesus, my mouth is watering just thinking about it...

Anyways, that was my trip. Haha, anti-climactic endings for the win. :]

Hell, it's about time.

Alright, so it's 3 in the AM. Got back from NYC about 4-5 hours ago.

In those 4-5 hours, I spent my time installing and enjoying Starcraft 2.

For those who don't know, I'm a total geek/nerd/dork (shocker). I've always loved video games but Starcraft has always held a real special place in my heart. It was actually the first computer game I've ever played. I still remember my cousin's (now ex) boyfriend showing me the game in what seems like a decade ago. I had never seen anything like it before. Blood, warfare, and explosions, everything a growing asian boy needs in his life all in one beautiful package. Really, unless you've experienced what I (and most of my guy friends along with all of Korea) did years ago with the first Starcraft, you really wouldn't understand how big of a deal it was when Blizzard announced Starcraft 2.

When I initially heard about it, I shat a brick. My childhood came rushing back to me and I felt nothing but excitement since then. I've eagerly anticipated this day for a long, long time; and it did not disappoint. The visuals are spectacular, the story (from what I've gone through so far) is captivating, and the voice acting is still pretty good. Gameplay has a new yet familiar feeling as most of the controls and units are the same, but the new additions require new strategies to be formulated and properly executed. The campaign missions are much more in-depth and the characters are more developed due to the addition of cut-scenes rather than scrolling text and facial displays.

Good. Shit.

P.S.

NYC video thing kinda didn't work out. Will post up my adventure when I finish the campaign in SC2; which will probably be tomorrow.

Empire State of Mind

It is 4:15 in the AM here in Chicago.

I just "woke up" 5 minutes ago so I could eat breakfast (currently on a low iodine diet.... frickin sucks, yo, but more on that later). "Por Que?" You may be asking? Well, it's because in about 45 minutes, I'm going to be in car, on the way to Midway Airport to get on a flight to NYC :D

I'm actually REALLY excited (and tired) about this trip because one, I get to see my friend Alex who I haven't seen in months, two, I get to take professional (I assume) dance classes with said friend Alex, and three, it's my first trip out of state with just friends. Yeah, crazy, I know.

Right now, the plan for me is to document most of my trip on video, and I'll also be writing about each day, sort of like a journal (*cough* diary *cough*) .... shut up brain. ANYWAYS, not really sure whether I'm going to just post up all my videos or just take out snippets and make a video montage thing.... that's a problem for future KC.

So far, from what I can tell, this is my itinerary for NY (not in any specific order):

1. Go to NY

2. Go to Queens (god dammit I'm going to get shanked....)

3. Check into hotel

4. Go to Pokemon Center (?)

5. Go see the Cake Boss (sweet)

6. Go meet up with Alex...somehow?

7. take dance classes and get beastly (Woo, popping and locking)

8. eat

9. Sleep.

10. Go shopping.

11. Something with Times Square, I assume.

Thaaaat's basically it.... hmm... I don't think that's going to last me a week... dang. Oh well, we'll probably just wing it.

P.S.

Please God, do not strike my plane down with lightning. 'kaythanks.

Inspiration

Not much has been going on in my life. No thoughts have been flowing through my head. The mind of chaos has become the mind of.... whatever the hell's happening on that episode of "How I Met Your Mother"

This. Is. A. Problem.

Maybe that's why I've been so....down lately. Maybe that's why I can't think of any choreography. Maybe that's why I'm so....fatigued all the time.... I don't know. This shit is not flyin'.... I remember a couple weeks back when I couldn't stop thinking, about ANYTHING. Life seemed so interesting and bright back then. Even on my most boring day, I'd be occupied with the thoughts of girl(s) (don't judge me) or new dances and dance techniques I could learn. Now, everything's just sort of...died down and I can see myself slowly reverting back to my old, pre-college self (who sucks compared to what I became in college.... man that sounded narcissistic). I'm really ashamed to say this but now dance seems more like work, I can't choreograph worth a shit, and that I'm not even thinking about girl(s) (preemptive no I'm not thinking about guys instead). It's just dead up there.

Which is why I'm glad to say I feel things are really going to change (oh shit, a twist?! whaaaat?); all thanks to two things.

One being The LXD (League of Extraordinary Dancers). If you haven't heard of them, even if you're not into dance, please check them out on Hulu. Everyone is so talented and are so good at conveying emotion through their movements. It is really amazing, especially Robot Lovestory. Watching their videos is slowly re-invigorating my drive to dance, and I'm REALLY hoping my trip to New York will be the (FIGURATIVE) kick in the gnads I need to really get back deep into dance.

The second being an e-mail I recieved from my friend Don Mach (Remember the guy I was talking about in my summer dance post? Yeah that's him). In it, he wrote a lot about what's going on in his life, and holy shit people, it is very impressive. Just reading about it has got me thinking about the goals in my life and how I can achieve them. Thanks, Don.

Shit is about to get real, son.

_______________________________________________________________

Here's a "poem" from Robot Lovestory that really touched me.

Life is not fair.
Sometimes dreams do not come true
Sometimes you're not the hero in the story of your life
and sometimes people die before they are supposed to
Life is not fair....
but fair has nothing to do with who you are inside, what you dream about, who you love, or what you stand for.
Life cannot touch that.
War cannot touch that.
Doctors... dark.... dark.. doctors.. cannot touch that

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Workout update:

Today: Abs

Reeeeally shitty workout today. Too many people at the gym in the afternoon.

Decline Sit-ups: Normal

Captains Chairs/Leg Lifts: Moved on to 20 reps. That is good, stay there for now

Hyper Extensions: Normal

Oblique Rotations: Move down to 105. 110 is too much for now.

No cardio because the pool was full.... bahh.

JHAMmin.

Alright, so I've got a couple of things to talk about tonight.

I just came back from my first "JHAM" (pronounced "jam") session. What's a JAHM session? Glad you asked. A JHAM session is something where me and my friends (Henry, Andrew, and Matt) just congregate and talk about.... let's just say... things that aren't necessarily PG, if ya know what I'm spittin'. Now let's be clear, while some of the topics themselves are considered dirty (not all of them are), the way we have our discussions are anything but. We discuss in a very civilized manner and do not stray into smut talk. I think that this is a very healthy thing to do and everyone should find someone(s) to talk about things of that nature. You'd be surprised at what you'd learn about your friends and definitely be surprised at what you'd learn about yourself. I can't say for those who have been in a relationship, but for those who haven't (like myself....*le sad face*) you kind of assume that you'd know what to do once you're in one; through the session, I found out that I don't really know a lot about it (shouldn't have been surprising), but talking with friends about it definitely helped. I think being able to talk about things like this really helps one mature. Hopefully you guys find your own JHAM Session. If I know you, don't be shy to ask me to be part of it, I wouldn't mind :D

Moving on.... there was something we grazed over during our JHAM session that really got me thinking. I won't go into detail about what we were talking about because anything said during a JHAM session is and will forever be confidential. This wasn't really a topic we were discussing, but something said kinda sparked this in my head....

I'm sure people have noticed that there is a, I guess, double standard between men and women on a plethora of topics. One namely, being gays and lesbians. Lesbians together = hot for men and sometimes hot for women, gays together = not so hot for anyone besides gay men (not saying they shouldn't be together, just saying society doesn't see them in the same attractiveness as lesbians). Why is that?

That also brings me to another topic I just remembered. Yesterday my friend Colin and I got into a discussion about the aesthetics of the human body. That got me thinking too (this happens a lot); personally, I think the female body is a beautiful thing (no I don't mean that in a pervy way) I actually think it's a a beautiful creation. Guy's body on the other hand, again, not so much. Just throwing this out there, for any ladies reading this (I'm counting 3 of you so far haha) do you see this in reverse? Do you think a guy's body is a thing of beauty? Just curious.

_____________________________________________________________________

I think I'mma start writing some shit that you probably don't care about down here seperated by the line of underscores. These are literally the thoughts that are in my head as I'm finishing this up. Feel free to disregard.

hmmmm... I think I'm going to have to get some new wife beaters, the ones my brother bought me are kinda thin and too big.... showin a little more cleavage than I want to..... also need to lose the rest of my spare tire...

Workout update (biting this from Kim's blog, I don't care this is mainly for me to check and maintain progress):

Today was shoulders and back...

Shoulder Shrugs: 2x 40lb dumbells, 3 sets, 20 reps. may move on to 45 next time. No significant muscle growth yet.

Military Presses: 2x 30lb dumbells, 3 sets, 10 reps. stay here for now, that shit was hard.

Rowing machine: 1 set 90lbs, 2 sets 105lbs. Stay at 105.

Reverse Pec Flys: 3 sets 70lbs, 10 reps. Maybe move to 75.

Deadlifts: 3 sets 50lbs, move to 60.

Swimming: 15 laps (non-consecutive) freestyle. Put your swimming stuff in the wash o.o (gah, shit, I forgot)

(Gah, got sidetracked and played SC2... woo, I won :D ) anyways..

Tomorrow: Abs and Legs

Decline sit-ups: - add 10-20 more sit-ups at 20 degree decline with 15lb weight if possible.

Oblique rotation: move up to 100lbs, maybe 105.

Captains Chairs/Leg Lifts: Stop being a bitch and do 6 sets. (yessir)

Hyper extensions: Do 20 reps for back, stick with 10 for the sides.

Quad stuff: Super set, keep at it.

Calf stuff: move up to 55lbs.

Elliptical: Go for 3+ miles depending on how long the others play racket(raquet?)ball

I finna win, Kim. I thought of a wager for if and when you lose :D tasteful, but still a tad humiliating. bwahahaha.

God damn, I need a girl.